in[FAT]uation

On it like a car bonnet...

2012-01-15T17:42:00.000Z

On it like a car bonnet... is a phrase of my brothers. Meaning in this sense I am so on track I couldn't be any more on track. Probably shouldn't say that or I will jinx myself. Just got back from a swimming session and I am buzzing!!! I was a nemo, TJ style.

My brother has joined weight watchers which is currently spurring me on :) it's good for us too, gives us something to do together. He came swimming with me. I am surprised at his determination so far. I hope he sticks with it. He's about 150 pounds heavier than me so I can understand how hard it is for him. Hopefully I will be more of a help than a hindrance.

Just have to keep it up.

Nothing new. Nothing learned.

2012-01-11T21:06:00.000Z

Gained half a pound this week. No surprise. Thought it might be more.
Had two full pizzas to myself. Must learn not to comfort eat when work is shitty.

New week. Renewed effort.
Positive. Positive.

Post holiday weigh in....

2012-01-03T22:03:00.002Z

Not as bad as expected. I ended up working late and almost missed my meeting but my leader is lovely and she allowed me to get weighed afterwards. I said to her 'Don't tell me out loud just write it down' as I hopped on the scales. I think I get kudos for turning up at all after the day I've had.

Turns out it was only 2.5 pound gain. I WILL TAKE THAT. I was expecting at least 6 or 7 pounds.

Shrink Shrink Shrink.

Again...

2012-01-01T18:47:00.002Z

It's that time of year again.

I have seen it again and again. Those bloggers who fall off the wagon and then resurface in the new year with their grand resolutions and the temporary positive attitude coupled with an energetic burst and love for exercise. Today this is me. I am back. I am that optimistic sap.

I have made my resolutions. I have made the promises to myself. I have made the necessary arrangements that I think will keep me on track for this year.

I have everything crossed.
Maybe 2012 will be my year.

Another Day

2011-10-18T13:09:00.000+01:00

Made me some delicious chilli.

Today I determined to get at least 5k steps. My target used to be 10k. Those were the days. But something is better than nothing. Got some walking into day. I am definitely feeling much more positive. I even have energy. I cleaned the bathroom from top to bottom yesterday, did quite a bit walking too. However it is majorly windy and very chilly here so I am finding it hard to go out and walk but I aim to go swimming again on wednesday. Hopefully that will become a regular fixture.

It's weigh in tonight. Got my fingers crossed.

Niggling doubts of the week: my cousins are over from Ireland. This to my family means lots of eating out and 'treats'. Must stay focused. Also this weekend coming I am coming I am off to Manchester to visit old uni friends which means lots of alcohol. I must behave. I hope I can have fun but not be too excessive. I will probably talk about that more later.

Over and out.

Continuing Continuity...

2011-10-17T10:20:00.000+01:00

Got my nemo on this week. As my good friend TJ would say. Been on track pretty much all week. Could definitely step up the exercise though. And I have this week off work so not many excuses.

Need to get back in to the habit of blogging regularly. It definitely helps. Need to read all my fave bloggers too. It has definitely been more than a while.

Right now my mood is good which is making staying on track way easier.
Fingers crossed I can keep this up.

The worst blogger that ever lived...

2011-10-11T22:04:00.000+01:00

You will have probably forgotten who I am. I just about remember myself. Today I went to my w.w meeting for the first time in a long time. I actually lost three pounds. Got myself under a big weight marker that I never ever ever wanted to hit. EVER. I never ever want to get above that.

I hope that the weight watchers catchphrase of 'This time decide to lose weight for the last time' applies to me this time. I am at my absolute heaviest. If I go up one more size in clothes I am going to have to order specially made stuff and not be able to buy from shops. I completely cannot afford to do that. I am tired of avoiding social events, friends and photographs. I am sick of denying the things that make me happy which creates that vicious fat/depression circle.

A lot is going on at work right now that is stressing me out so I need to stay positive. I have been learning to drive for almost a year and am still crap at it. This makes me sad. I need more confidence and I hope that losing this fat will make me gain some.

Cross your fingers that my will power doesn't desert me and that this time is the last time.

Over and out.

And repeat....

2011-08-23T11:52:00.000+01:00

On track.
On track.
On track.

Today is a new day.
Today is a new day.
Today is a new day.

I can do it.
I can do it.
I can do it.

Unrecognisable...

2011-08-21T16:36:00.000+01:00

This week has been an experience. I hit an all time low mentally and physically an all time high. The two are not a great combination. In fact just typing that sentence has exhausted me. everything these days does. That extra weight I have gained is actually starting to physically hurt me. I have always been fat but it is starting to affect my life noticeably. My work uniform is shrinking, my back aches, my feet hurt, the thighs are rubbing again, I am exhausted all the time, I just want to sleep and eat and do nothing.

I weighed in at my weight watchers meeting and after a seven pound gain took me over a weight threshold I never thought I hit. I broke down. Sobbing frantically. My leader hugged me till I stopped and sat me aside till we worked through some stuff. I didn't care that everyone was looking at me or I stopped others weighing in. I was a mess. I hope I can work up the courage to go next week.

I can't make any promises or even put in to words what I actually need to do to get back on track because there is so much. So one thing at a time, slowly slowly til I feel the momentum catching me again.

denial

2011-07-24T22:36:00.000+01:00

I am going to pretend that I never gave up, that I never gained almost 3 stone since I started blogging, that I hate that I cannot magic this fat away instantly.

Just going to get on with it.
Possibly be less whiney about it
And actually lose some fucking weight.

So to a clean slate!

Today I was going through a lot of my belongings that my parents are storing for me until I can get a place of my own. I came across a jar entitled blog me. My good friend Sarah and her kidlets made for me last year and I never ever used. So today, on my clean slate, I am going to open it. It is filled with suggestions/ideas/questions to inspire me to blog.

*opens jar* *reads paper*
QUESTION: Am I open minded?

Answer: I like to think of myself as being open minded. But sometimes I do come across things that cause me to question that. But like everything it's about tolerance and respect.

The return of the fatty

2011-06-12T11:03:00.000+01:00

Well hello there...

I am officially back on the internet. I am officially back to blogging. I am officially fatter than ever.

Today I used the worst excuse ever.
This is how the conversation went:

Mother: Are you going to back to your weightwatchers meeting?
Me: UM no, not til I lose some weight
Mother: ok then

Then I took a step back and realised what I just said. I can't go to back to weightwatchers because I need to lose weight first! Seriously how fucked up is that. W.w is the one place I need to go to stay on track and lose weight. What a ridiculous statement. I think this made me realise all of the excuses I have been using of late is bull shit. I need to step up and deal with all the reasons why I am avoiding losing the weight.

But I have now reached the point where my weight is hurting me. I never really had weight related problems before but now my back hurts, I can barely walk long distances with out being short of breath, I think it is the reason I am not sleeping properly, I can barely fit in my work uniform (and I have hit the biggest size before I have to have one specially made) and I just feel utterly miserable and have reverted to back to being a hermit.

Enough for today! Need to ease my way into the blogging business!

working on it

2011-05-08T10:11:00.000+01:00

i am back
And even on track

But my internet is so slow at my new place. it took me forty minutes just to load this page so its hard for me to read blogs and do anything of real importance. :(

working on it

Out of the dark and into the light??

2011-05-02T17:14:00.005+01:00

Hello my name is Simone.

And I am a serial quitter.

I do not even know where to begin. I daren't even weigh in I know that I have gained that much. I cannot believe i have let myself get far worse than when I first started. It is embarrassing and shameful. I have been un able to even read others blogs because the success stories remind I am the worst kind of loser and the people in my position just echo the sad mess I find myself in. Neither producing motivation of any kind.

The last couple of weeks I have blamed the gains on work related stress and other family related problems. Why can I not be one of those people who lose weight in stressful times? bah.

I cannot get any fatter. My brother is a lot fatter than me and I cannot reach that level. I watch his struggles and weight related problems, I CANNOT BECOME LIKE HIM. I struggle enough as it is. I am in fact so far back past square one, I can no longer see it. It is a vague shape in the dark.

I feel lost. stuck. sad.alone.fat.miserable.confused.angry.helpless.

But I need to do this. I dont want to die before I am thirty.

over and out.

Not sure...

2011-02-21T20:30:00.002Z

Finally hit an all time low.

I went away with my sister this week. It was great but she was like lets take loads of pictures of us together. I couldn't do it. I was too embarrassed and now the moment has gone. I can't go back and record our fun. I am too ashamed. I am officially the heaviest ever. I cannot even bring myself to admit to you what size clothes I am now wearing.

No matter how much I tell myself I need this. Or want it. I cannot seem to do it. My will power (or lack there of) is disgusting. Right now I am pulling every motivational tool and inspirational idea out the big fat weight loss bag and hoping something sticks.

Work sucks.

I suck.

My eating sucks.

bah everything sucks.

One positive thing is I am moving out this week from my parents. I hope this helps.

I am back.

2011-01-24T19:38:00.002Z

I am. I have been thinking a lot. I don't want to end up being the size of my brother or being one those really enormous people that they make a documentary about because they have to have a crane remove them from their house. Not me.

I am back to the bottom and the only way is up my friends.

Plus I cannot afford to buy any bigger clothes.

I have gotten some energy from some where so I must capitalise on it.

Work sucks. If that improved I think would be doing a lot better.

??????

2011-01-09T22:41:00.001Z

i have lost the art of blogging.

i haven't read some one else's blog in so long.

i am lost.

unsure.

unhappy.

confused.

stuck.

helpless.

have nothing to say.

i am very hateful right now.

3 days so far so good...

2011-01-03T11:53:00.002Z

This year is already testing me and we are three days in!

I slept through new years. And woke feeling miserable. Then didn't have time to wallow as my granddad has been taken into hospital. So we're dividing visiting schedules up between the family. I have been grandma sitting for the last couple of days. She has nothing healthy in her house. So I got my mother to bring me stuff. Then last night the electricity went off for three hours. The entire village! God I didn't half realise how much I rely on the internet and my phone. I felt very snacky but managed to reign it in.

Did two hours worth of ironing before the leccy went off. Hopefully might get some wii time later.

KEEPING POSITIVE.

or I am gonna fake it til I make it.

And so it begins!

2011-01-01T18:12:00.002Z

The new year is here.

So are the new goals.

New wishes.

New dreams.

New challenges.

New promises.

New hope.

Here is to a better weight loss year.

Oh fucking dear

2010-12-29T07:25:00.001Z

Hope this works! iPhone malarkey.

I have never been so embarrassed in my life. I have gained so much I'm having to wear a panty girdle just to fit into my new work pants.

Imagine cascading rolls of fat.
No. Don't lol.

If I don't laugh j will seriously cry and never ever stop.

Hope this is my big wake up call.
you best be doing better than me!

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

holiday cheer

2010-12-26T20:33:00.001Z

Boxing day.

Miserable.

Food coma.

Fatter than ever.

Back to step one minus ten.

utter despair

2010-12-12T17:23:00.002Z

I am going through the motions.

Existing but not living.

Eating with reckless abandon.

Majorly stressed over work and the upcoming uniform change.

No tracking.

No weighing.

No meetings.

No blogging.

Nothing.

Got told a few home truths from my parents. I am still digesting those so to speak.

just blah blah blah blah blah blah

good and bad times!

2010-11-21T18:19:00.004Z

After losing another two pounds this week I think I somehow managed to convince myself into not tracking hundred percent. I roughly know what I'm doing right? No. Been overly snacky this weekend, justifying it with my progress so far.

BIG MISTAKE. I know this small miscalculation can be the beginning of the end. Well it is not happening. I am fully back on track and raring to go! BRING IT.

Good things. Haven't been sitting round on my arse all weekend like usual. Been moving more. And generally eating ok.

I still keep making mistakes at work and I am trying to be better but I am constantly worried they are going to fire me. And I think I am finally starting to annoy my co worker :( which makes me sad because she's been so good to me. Though the stress is not making me lose weight. How come that only works for certain people? booo.

The bare minimum!

2010-11-19T20:15:00.002Z

Loved water aerobics... aqua fit or whatever it was called. Signed up for next week.

LOST TWO POUNDS THIS WEEK.

Baked loads of chocolate cakes for charity and didn't eat one! Go me!

Exciting times!

2010-11-17T18:12:00.000Z

Off to my first AQUA FIT class.
Wish me luck!

Madness!

2010-11-16T20:14:00.002Z

Must.catch.up. on. you. all.

With sitting down most of the day at work I am finding it hard to justify sitting at a computer for hours reading blogs. But I need to do it. you guys are awesome and I miss reading about you all. And how can I expect support if I don't offer it? ok enough love

Doing good. Tracking. Drinking water. Walking a little. Planning to go swimming this week.

Only problem is tiredness. No matter how little or how long I sleep I always end up exhausted. Even if doing nothing. It is leaving me frustrated. But hey ho.

Looking forward to weigh in once again. Positive sign right?

A new beginning of sorts...

2010-11-11T20:14:00.002Z

Weight watchers just introduced pro points here.

I lost 6 pounds.

Only another 4 pounds and the ten pound gainage is gone.

Had a bad day at work... almost reached for the food. It was that bad.

Survived another day.

Oh the temptations....

2010-11-08T19:18:00.002Z

Don't know how clear you can see this ^^^^ But I was checking nutritional value from a bad choice sandwich at lunch and this is what came up. Just the calories and the fat was given BUT SUGGESTED EXTRAS WERE A BOTTLE OF FULL FAT COKE AND A MUFFIN. besides images of bloody pastry which is my DEVIL TEMPTATION FOOD.

I missed my 300th post

2010-11-07T17:35:00.003Z

The last post was nothing eventful. This one won't be either. Just a lot of moaning and whinging.

At least I know I can post from my Iphone. :)

I have been back on track only two days and indeed feel much better in myself. I am trying to get back on track with other things too. Blogging. Friends. Social things. Exercise. I am finding it hard right now to get into a rhythm. I just started a new job as a cashier at a bank (which is weird because it has no relation to my degree in art history and also because I have the worst maths skills known to man). It is harder than I thought. I am constantly worried. Doubting myself. Also having uniform issues too. Even though I have been working a month now it doesn't feel like it is getting any easier and I am still stressing out. I dread nights like tonight. Sunday night. Back to work. What doesn't help is I am being transferred from my tiny little lovely nice and safe branch to the big busy city one. ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGH.

I thought I would be able to control my eating better now I am working. Not true. I thought yay to packed delightful low fat lunches and delicious dinners when I got in. Using the weekends to exercise and be social. NOT HAPPENED. I have been eating out at lunch and been so tired and miserable when I come home that I reach for the easy full fat comfort food.

I have been stuck in a rut and well to be honest haven't really been looking for a way out of it because it is easier to bury my head in the sand and blame everything else but me.

I need to stop whining. And repeating myself. And bloody hell Christmas is on its way...

I am going to go get on with things!

2010-11-06T13:25:00.001Z

Blogging from my iPhone: attempt one!

Had so much going on the last couple of weeks. New job. Driving lessons. Getting over my foot pain. Feeling miserable and eating every thing in sight. No weight watchers just take out food.

Today is the first day I am feeling good. And tracking.

Need to get on it.
Need to read your blogs for motivation and inspiration x

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Not much to say for once...

2010-10-25T19:14:00.001+01:00

Got absolutely nothing much to say. Just working, sleeping and eating!

Keepin' on truckin'.

Hope all is well.

a big thank you!

2010-10-22T18:52:00.003+01:00

You guys are awesome. How could I forget that?

Thank you for the advice.

Back on 'official' track. I do feel much better for it. Even if I did miss eating the flapjack at lunch.

Took a w.watchers prepared meal to work. With desert. It seemed to work. We will see how it goes :D

Chugging the water too.

Slowly slowly. Step at a time.

Bad bad bad bad bad times!

2010-10-21T20:50:00.002+01:00

I haven't blogged in frick knows how long.

I skipped my w.w in last week.

I started a new job. I sit down for 8 hours.

My ankle is still absolutely killing me with pain to walk even the slightest of distances.

No exercise. I have eaten taken out food 6 times in 2 and a half weeks.

I went to tonights weigh in. Up 10 FRICKING POUNDS. HIGHEST WEIGHT EVER.

All the progress so far? GONE.

What do I feel like doing? Eating cake.

*sigh* I am in a really bad place right now.

I am so exhausted. I am going to bed. I will try to catch up with your blogs at the weekend.

I am in a very cry-y mood.

sad face

2010-10-10T21:15:00.003+01:00

My ankle is much better. But still painful to walk on. Most of the swelling is gone but it is still hot and the swelling is only on the ankle instead of my entire foot (including my toes).

I start a new job tomorrow. I am scared and nervous. About being stupid and ugly. I broke out in spots like an hour ago. It's hideous. I have never worn make up and now Im scared I am going to have to, does that sound silly? I really really need this job. So much.

I am stressed and worried and eating everything in sight. And with resting the foot exercise has been none existant.

I weighed in last week and was up a pound. God knows what I will gain this week.

I am an emotional wreck. I do not know where my head is.

Right I am off to have an ice pack on the ankle and hopefully an early night. I have to be up at 6. Yikes. Early for me.

Hmmph.

2010-10-07T15:40:00.002+01:00

Not feeling like going to my w.w meeting tonight.

I hate knowing a gain is coming.

Hmmph.

bad times.

2010-10-06T10:27:00.002+01:00

I am finally beginning to see my ankle. Definitely good. But it is still swollen and quite painful. I had to squeeze it in a shoe y.day so I could go meet my new boss and had to walk up and down stairs. It is fair to say I am in agony today.

I am lying on the couch with my ankle propped up on cushions so it is higher than my hip. I am having ice packs regularly on it and am counting down the time to my next set of pain killers.

I have had take out three times already this week.

No exercise.

Weigh in isn't looking good tomorrow. But I am definitely not going to skip it. Mostly because now I am paying for it.... and I'm poor.

The consequences of hiking!

2010-10-04T16:42:00.002+01:00

Yep. I fell off a rock hiking. And my ankle has swollen to three times the size. I did this on Saturday and none of the swelling has gone down. I spent four hours in accident and emergency to find out it wasn't broken, thank frick for that. I start a new job in less than a week and need it to be better. They gave me crutches but I can barely hobble. The pain is immense.

Exercise is completely out of the window. I am trying not to snack while I have my foot higher than my hip and under an ice pack. I am bored of reading and have been facebooking far too much.

My eating at the weekend was great. Pre-prepared food went well. Went on a great hike til I fell. I had to walk 3 hours on my swollen foot. It was not fun. I hope I burnt some calories.

Not looking forward to this weeks weigh in!

Feeling very snacky.

Thinner Thursdays!

2010-09-30T20:02:00.002+01:00

I am down a half pound.

I will take that. I drank a lot of cider last weekend. Only managed to wii once this week! And my period is here so I will take that half a pound joyfully.

This weekend I am off camping (well staying in a cabin) in the lake district. Going hiking and everything. Kinda scared and excited, hope I can manage and not hold people back. Wish me luck.

One thing I do not have to worry about this weekend is food! We are miles from anywhere so I have to prepare everything I need to take. So I have total control over my eating. PHEW.

OK. Off to catch up on you lot.

See you Monday. Enjoy the weekend. Be gooooooooood!

woeful wednesday!

2010-09-29T13:32:00.002+01:00

It is raining like it is the end of the world here. I am seriously contemplating building an ark. Now, who should I save?

My period is still here. I had forgotten how much those cramps are the bane of life. Booo. Did a sneaky pre weigh in weigh in and I am up. Stupid period. Still don't feel like exercising to be honest but I am going to give wii fit a go later.

Had a yummy weight watchers macaroni and cheese for lunch with a w.w garlic ciabatta. Nom nom. Nothing much else to report.

the weekend and stuff

2010-09-27T21:27:00.004+01:00

I am back. Had the most FUN weekend I have had in a long long long long time. I miss having social outings! Having friends who are girls and just chat. And do nothing. And go to theatre and shopping. It was nice to be constantly NOT glued to the computer screen too. I felt like a person.

I also discovered I really really like sushi. I was so eurgh at the raw fishness of it and the weird lookingness of it. Made me gag but I was really surprised. So fresh and delicious. I had (see these pictures) I had salmon and eel and shrimpy things.

I didn't track my food. But I managed not to snack. I had healthy sandwiches, my friend cooked me a point friendly curry and got in my 1ok steps each day.

I fell down on alcoholic drinks. (not literally lol)

I had a lot. Each night. Far too much :( Damn you wine!

Also after six months of not having a period. It arrived Saturday night at the theatre. (awesome play though) The cramps that came with it are horrendous. I feel like my reproductive organs are being torn from my body. So I am not really feeling like exercising right now :( but I am chugging water.

Yay and nay....

2010-09-23T19:12:00.003+01:00

Another 1.5 pounds off!

If i had lost 2 lbs I would have got my half stone sticker. booo.

Yay so my birthday grazing didn't effect me too much huzzah! I didn't make it to badminton last night though. I was so exhausted from cleaning my Grandma's house that I fell asleep at 6pm til 8pm and completely forgot to go. Never mind....

However, I am going away for the weekend to Manchester to celebrate my birthday with my friends there. Now this scares me. Week 3. All alone. Drinks. Good food. Bad influences! I just hope I can do it in considerable moderation!

Wish me luck! See you Monday!

Things are a changing!

2010-09-22T09:10:00.002+01:00

I am off to play badminton tonight! Woohooo. Been swimming this week too.

I am actually looking forward to a weigh in for once. Makes a bloody change doesn't it?

Right got to dash. I am cleaning my grandmas house today!

BUSY BUSY BUSY!

catching up!

2010-09-20T16:40:00.003+01:00

Thank you for all your lovely birthday messages. Much appreciated. :D

I had a great day. I haven't said this in a long time but I was bursting with love for my family, they really went all out to make me happy.

I managed to avoid pizza, doughnuts and cookies but ate far too many cheese rolls and probably one too many gin and (slimline) tonics! I did compensate by chugging the water but bah it was not a bad effort at all by previous birthday standards. Though it was a buffet lunch I didn't graze too much but omg the temptation was there. I avoided the table!

See this amazingly beautiful pool? Me and the mother go to swim here for free. Thanks to British Gas (which is just as bloody well because they rob us enough in energy bills)

Why do you always feel ravenous after a swim? Or is that just me?

Birthday blues?

2010-09-18T10:14:00.001+01:00

It's my birthday tomorrow.

We always celebrate with food.

I can be good right?

is 5lbs beginners luck?

2010-09-16T20:21:00.002+01:00

I pre-weighed in yesterday morning for a sneaky check and knew I was down.

Didn't know it was 5lbs down. Woohoo *raises hands* give me some fives?

I am happy to lose this week. I have forgotten how good it actually feels. I know that when you start a new weight loss regime the first loss is going to be a little big because you are changing so many bad habits so while I am stoked to lose I know this game is about consistency. So if I lose continue to lose a little each week I will be happier.

Thinking of the long haul but with a smile on my fat chops!

Eeeek!

2010-09-15T08:59:00.003+01:00

I am off shopping to the big bright lights of Newcastle.

I know we will be eating lunch out.

Points Panic.

ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGH.

(i checked my scale this morning and IM DOWN. but not official w.w weigh in tomorrow)

Miserable Monday!

2010-09-13T13:04:00.004+01:00

BOOOOO it's raining and cold here. Which is a complete contrast to the hot hot hot day we had of sunshine yesterday. Not letting that deter me. Still went walking in the rain. Going swimming in 20 minutes too. SO F**K YOU RAIN.

I know the antidepressants probably arent working yet but I am feeling more positive. It is weird going back to weight watchers points. But I am liking the security of it, knowing what I'm allowed and not. Bought specific w.w meals (a little bit pricey) very tasty and filling. Plus the garlic bread I had been denying myself for ages is now allowed. 3.5 points and absolutely delicious.

Also the points have reigned in my portion sizes. I had only a third of what I would normally eat of my parents Sunday roast. And you know what? That portion size filled me.

p.s check out these brownies! Lol if you can they are not evenly cut but I was only supposed to divide them into 15 slices and did it to 28 so it works out at just under one point a brownie. They just have a hint of orange. nom nom nom nom.

All about the points

2010-09-10T18:11:00.003+01:00

Point in the right direction

A new stand point.

Weight watchers points.

I get 30 points. It seems like a lot. It is definitely weird going back to points. It was my first day today and I think I did ok. Quite excited to try out a lot of new things. We shall see how it goes.

I went to the cricket today and it was bad. Not the cricket I love that. The seats. I felt bad because my wide hips encroached their space. It sucked. I had to sit for 5 hours scrunched up between two men. And now my back hurts. God damn the fat. Well another reason why I must lose this bloody fat.

A biggie...

2010-09-09T21:33:00.004+01:00

In regards to my last post, it got a lot of people going, I saw another doctor today. What a world of difference. He didn't rush me out in five minutes, he actually listened to me. The doctor I saw on Monday had a really condescending dismissive tone, he didn't really care, he asked me no questions and didn't even refer to my file.

I agree I do need the tough love. And maybe weight watchers is an option. But I don't need a doctor who couldn't care less. He was rude and didn't even offer me a tissue when I broke down. The guy I saw today has signed me up for counseling and prescribed me a small anti-depressant. I primarily went to the doctor to help me with my moods not my w.loss. The last few months I have been up and down up and down. No in be

tween. If I didn't sleep on a bed in the living room and had to get up when others got up I would spend all day in bed. I am exhausted and cold all of the time. I have no passion to go out. Last week I didn't even get dressed for 3 days. At almost 23 years old I shouldn't be feeling like this.

It is a vicious cycle the tiredness and lack of motivation make me not want to exercise. It's easy saying push through but I just don't have the energy or anything else to make me want to do it. I am content do nothing. I don't want to be like this. I took two positive steps today.

The doctor helped me out.

I did join weight watchers.

I want to thank you guys for the comments and the support. I really need it. I appreciate and am trying to use all of your comments constructively.

I am trying to suck it up and just do it. I promise.

Doctor's verdict....

2010-09-07T11:30:00.003+01:00

He told me to go to weight watchers.

And....

No wonder I am depressed I am obese and out of work. Most obese people are depressed.

Yes. There will be tears and it is hard but you just have to do it.

Just push through the mood swings and tiredness.

Use the motivation of being skinny to propel me forward.

If I feel hungry have a glass of water and tell myself I'm not.

Never a good number...

2010-09-06T10:37:00.002+01:00

I weighed in today.

299.8 pounds. ALMOST THREE FRICKING HUNDRED.

If this doesn't catapult me into some sort of motivation I don't know what will.

I am off to the Doctor soon. I hope he can help me sort out these crazy moods.

I'll check in later.

I am definitely back.

It's the whiner. Again.

2010-08-31T09:24:00.003+01:00

Wow. Even though I have been the worst blogger ever I have gained (as well as weight and more self loathing) a few more followers. So hello there. And the regulars if you're not sick of reading me.

My head is all over the place still. I cannot lie. One moment my head is so far in the game its amazing the next I am the polar opposite. I keep reminding myself of all the bad things being fat does to me or excludes me from but in the moment, when I am eating, I just do not care one iota. I.JUST.NEED.TO.DO.

I don't really have much to say right now without whining or crying so I will cut this short.

I really will catch up on you all this week.

It has been a while...

2010-08-27T09:16:00.002+01:00

Why has it been a while? Because I was ashamed and couldn't face you guys.

I am officially beyond square one. I weighed in today and I weigh one pound heavier than when I started this journey. That is disgustingly embarrassing, especially in comparison to what some of you awesome people have been up to.

I have no excuses. I have eaten like mad and done zero exercise. I am not making promises of being back on track again because, obviously, I don't keep them. The best I can do right now is tell you all I am making a more active effort than I was.

I am two pounds away from three hundred pounds and that is not a zone I intend to surpass.

Current weight: 21 stones 4 pounds (298)

Previous weight: 20 stones 11 pounds (291) (from when last weighed with nurse)

Heaviest weight: current number

Lowest weight: 19 stones something.

Where the fuck am I?

2010-08-05T10:10:00.003+01:00

Where the fuck am I? Good question.

I was in a bad place. The last two weeks has seen my eating grown enormously out of control. In fact if I told you what I ate you'd be sick from just hearing about it. It sickens me to think about it. My mother tried to reign me in but all I did was yell at her and say "I AM 22 YEARS OLD I'LL EAT WHAT THE HELL I WANT." So embarrassed to say that. My moods have been all over the place. One day I am extremely happy on top of the world the next I am suicidal. There is no in between. I have snapped and been nasty to everyone trying to give me support. For that reason I haven't blogged. I just feel poisonous of late. Big surprise I skipped weighing in with the nurse.

Every day I have been waking up waiting for the motivation to grab me and shake me in to submission. It hasn't happened. It will not happen. I NEED TO FIND IT. I cannot sit here and wait for life to happen to me. I must make things happen. No one else can do this for me. No magic wand. I keep thinking it has to be something big to motivate me, something momentous but that is not true. I just have to do it.

Watch this whining space!

Catch up on blogs soon. x promise!

I was having a bit of a wii fit...

2010-07-28T17:44:00.003+01:00

This is the wii fit island map. I have been cycling for my life. I unlocked expert and can still only find 19/20 flags. Grrrrr! One damn flag eludes me. I was cycling wii stylee for an hour then it cuts you off. That one flag is killing me. Good that yes I am exercising for longer but frustrating that I cannot find one damn flag.

Also I have set a 400 calorie limit on it so I am not allowed to log out til I've burnt those 400 calories.

Was about to go see Toy Story 3 but both showings were sold out. And we didn't want to wait another hour to see the next one. I hate the kids are off school for the holidays. Sucky. But all is not lost, instead of the cinema we are now going swimming again.

HUZZAH

2010-07-27T16:21:00.002+01:00

Yep. A one pound loss on the nurse's scales! I will take that. I lost two pounds on my scales that was early morning naked weigh in. When I go to the nurse its full clothes and shoes. And post breakfast. So I will definitely take that. Still lied to her though. Because I did eat out. But shhhhhh.

The lovely Alexia inspired me to buy a mango. So I did. Stayed tuned as to whether I actually like it.

I am off to watch America's biggest loser and iron while I watch. No idea what season it is but I do love this show. Just finished an Australian series. I always get behind one person big stylee and go through the journey with them. Mine never win.

nothing exciting here.

2010-07-26T18:02:00.002+01:00

Just checking in. Doing the do.

Trying not to sit on my fat arse for more than twenty minutes at a time. It's kinda working. Helped my mother clean the bathrooms, did two hours worth of ironing and have spent all day cleaning and sorting out my parents bedroom, hanging out washing. I have even been cleaning at my grandmas (broke a piece of her china oops!) Im getting at least 30 mins of wii time in too.

Sneaky peek. Down two pounds on my scale but we will see what the nurse's scales say tomorrow. They seem to hate me.

Going swimming with my mother tonight. It will be the first time in like 20 years for her. So lots of mini victories are happening.

keep smiling :D

Well hello there...

2010-07-23T16:14:00.002+01:00

You can't really tell but my face looks like a tomato. I have just come in from the veggie patch. Man, gardening is hard work. But so worth it now I can see my potatoes above ground.

Had a bit of a dodgy food week since I lost that one pound. Why do I feel it is ok to reward myself with food? I never learn. Anyhoo... I am taking pro active measures to keep me on track.

I deleted all of my facebook games because I was spending two hours a day minimum on them and I could use that time to blog. I do not need more excuses to sit on my bum.

I have put an inspirational YOU CAN DO IT on the fridge in magnets.

I am making food plans.

Scheduling exercise. Need to get back into a routine.

I am sprucing up my FAT BOOK with more motivational photos.

My sleeping is pattern is much better.

My attitude is positive and it is making a hell of a difference.

Back on track...

2010-07-20T14:51:00.002+01:00

Weighed in with the nurse today. Lost a pound. Which is good because I went away for the weekend and ate like crazy. But I did walk an awful lot.

Before the weekend I ate pretty good. And I have wii fitted. Feeling much better mentally too.

Slowly. Slowly.

p.s the potatoes in my veggie patch are now visible above soil!

If you're really happy DO NOT READ this post. MISERABLENESS

2010-07-12T20:20:00.002+01:00

This is going to be a long one.

Gawd... I am even tearing up as I right this. I am feeling really pathetic right now. I am eating like food is going out of fashion. And I am not caring. I just feel rock bottom again. Even when I am snacking I am thinking I am going to regret this then just continue chomp chomp chomping down on whatever. Moving back home is harder than I thought and not being able to find a job is killing me. I am tired and my back hurts from the airbed and being fat. All I am doing is whining. Making excuses. I just do not have the energy. For anything. I don't even want to get out of bed.

I signed back up at the gym today. (My gran is paying for my membership til I get back on my feet) and it just seemed like too much fucking effort. I was so close to actually just breaking right down there in the gym.

My head is clearly not in the right place. I don't want to be back to what I was when I started the blog but... I don't know... all I really feel like doing is crying. And whining to people how bad my life is.

I just do not know what to do.

Epic unfitness

2010-07-07T20:59:00.002+01:00

Today I was sorely reminded of how unfit I really am. Spent the last two days helping my pregnant friend paint and decorate her house. It has practically killed me and I'm not 6 months pregnant! I am exhausted.

I am too tired to post fully. My back hurts and my bath is almost ready.

Oh I lost one pound this week :D

woo wii!

2010-07-05T17:48:00.002+01:00

This is me not eating a big piece of bread for breakfast. YUM. Yoghurt, crisp bread and strawberries. I am trying to change up breakfasts!

Breakfast change number two! A stuffed mushroom filled with onions, peppers and grilled bacon topped with cheese. It looks like a lot of cheese but its not.. all weighed and accounted for!

I think I mentioned my mother had a gastric bypass. She's lost like 7 stone (100 pounds) she lost half of it before the surgery but its awesome. She has so much energy its unbelievable. We wii-fitted for an hour together last night. She could never ever do that before. It's great to finally have a wii buddy! We also walked the dog for an hour in the morning. I bought her a pedometer months ago and now we are racing to see who gets to 10k steps first! Just what I need!

strange times!

2010-07-02T16:19:00.002+01:00

I think my family have taken well to the use of my fridge magnets!

It's weird I have nothing to whinge about. It's not like me.

Strange. Going strong is all I have to say so...

I am off to wii fit!

no whining just doing!

2010-07-01T14:14:00.002+01:00

LOL. Sorry this picture crack me up. It is from my actual fridge! I got some cool abc magnets in pink and my dad keeps leaving me mean messages. So I left him one back. The poster is to prevent me snick snacking during the day.

No whining. Just doing it.

Back on full track.

Made me some mini goals.

Right off to the veggie patch before the rain sets in!

Hope you're all on it too!

Oooops

2010-06-29T15:18:00.002+01:00

For those of you who befriended me on facebook (some who wanted to wash my mouth out with soap ;) ) I spend a lot of time on there but I haven't been blogging. I should have been. My eating this weekend was atrocious. DISGUSTING. I grazed and just inhaled everything in sight.

I have a truck load of excuses. None of them worthy.

I do hate being fat. And thanks for the messages y.day.

JUST.GET.MOVING.SIMONE.

On a shameful note I am now weighing in with the nurse. I skipped my appointment today because I couldn't face her. One week in and I was sure to gain. EMBARRASSMENT.

note for today

2010-06-27T21:49:00.001+01:00

HATE

BEING

FAT

Smiley saturday

2010-06-26T11:24:00.002+01:00

I got my school transcript and it turns out one of my essays is missing. They have no record of it and I cannot find my receipt. BOO. But I go over 60 percent for everything else. So I just have to resubmit it (I have a copy some where) so I actually did get a decent grade. *SIGH OF RELIEF*

I went to waitress last night and ended up being a dishwasher. *sigh of relief* I am better at dish-wishing. And the waitresses were bitches to me. But nothing new.

A quick note

2010-06-25T17:09:00.002+01:00

A quick early dinner! Mashed potatoes and smoked fish with peas! yum. Had it really early because I am going to trial waitress tonight. Just for 4 hours at a golf club. Wish me luck, dead nervous.

See? No wallowing in misery!

bad times

2010-06-24T14:59:00.001+01:00

Prepare for some whining.

I got my final university results. Not good. Have to re-sit. I feel stupid. I should not be doing this so late in the game. I am absolutely gutted.

Couple that with being only 4 pounds away from being my original weight when I started the blog does not help. AT ALL.

I have cried for the last two hours. I feel much better for it. But still not feeling good.

The BAD the GOOD and the downright UGLY

2010-06-22T19:32:00.007+01:00

I had a super great day! This the veggie garden update. It has doubled in size not that you can tell. Man, gardening is a good work out. We're going take it another 8 inches then we're done. It needs some more work before planting but it's on its way! Spent the day in the garden with the family. At one point there were three generations of family working on it. Pretty cool.

On the bad front I went to the nurse. I am only 4 pounds away from being back to my original starting weight. That was a bit of a shocker. :( Hopefully big motivation though.

This is me with my fat arms and legs on display. My gardening gear...

Motivational Monday

2010-06-21T19:02:00.005+01:00

Today was my first day back on super track. Taking charge of this weighty wagon! It feels so good. I did everything right. Water. Steps. Exercise. Food.

I FEEL GREAT. I really cannot stress that enough. The sun was shining and I spent most of the day working on my new vegetable patch! Man, gardening is hard work. Everyone thinks it will not work, that I will give up on it BUT MY VEGGIE PATCH IS HERE TO STAY. :D It was surprisingly hot. I had to crack out the suncream.

Also before the gardening I wore a beautiful turquoise skirt that Sarah gave me. It's long and floaty and I felt pretty. So a good day all round :D

Grandmabears sunday lunch!

2010-06-20T12:34:00.002+01:00

This is the sunday lunch my gran just made for me. It was delicious. For the first time in ages I actually didn't clear my plate.... though I only left one potato.

It's Fathers day and I have the house to myself. My dad and my brother have gone to watch the cricket. My sister is at work and my Mam is still in Ireland. I think I might go have a bath nap.

Shitty Saturday...

2010-06-19T15:55:00.005+01:00

Got back from Sarah's today! Got no energy at all. Just lying on the couch watching the world cup and not really caring about anything. Missing Sarah already. She is the best hostess ever :) Treated me gooooooooood!

She made me try new things:

Prunes = disgusting

But cous cous is yummy. I thought I hated it but I don't. Thanks Sarah!

These amazing ryvita thingies. They're a little bit sweet but I had them with (not at the same time) both ice cream and houmous (or whichever way you spell it)

and I am now addicted to bombay mix (I ate the rest of it so there's no pic)

Also she made me so many nice meals some so simple even I can manage. I must make more of an effort. Also I must stop saying I am going to do things and not do them.

w.i.d.t.h (thanks jack sh*t)

2010-06-17T13:14:00.002+01:00

Still at Sarah's! Not being the best motivation buddy if I am honest. I cannot conjure up any energy, all I want to do is sleep :(

However stop listening to me whine and go check out why I do this at Jack Sh*t's awesome blog.

CLICK HERE TO SEE MY AWESOME W.I.D.T.H AT JACK SH*TS BLOG.

bad times to good times fingers crossed

2010-06-15T16:24:00.004+01:00

Finally arrived at Sarah's (big_mummy) in Essex. Needed this trip in more ways than one and I haven't been here 24 hours. Hope she can get my fully back on track. I was doing so well until my Mother left for her own holiday. This weekend was horrific food wise. And I MEAN HORRIFIC...

In the last 24 hours I have experienced several fat problems i thought was over...

*seatbelt extender*
*chafing*
*belly hanging over jeans*
*disapproval of water*
*judging other fatties in proximity to me*
*intense dislike for walking long distances*

BAD TIMES
I MUST GET BACK ON TRACK

Mixed bag!

2010-06-11T14:57:00.003+01:00

I must admit I am feeling so much better now that I am back on track. Katie J reminded me so diligently to get out the wii and I can proudly say I have been working it girlfriend!

I want to draw your attention to this. DISGUSTED. This is a link to one of my fave BBC radio 1 djs. In his online blog he accidentally took a picture of a fat person. Then ridiculed him. That was the entire post. Point and laugh at the fat person. It left me disgusted and disappointed at him. It was pointless and unnecessary. Angered.

Otherwise I am trying to catch up on blog reading. And I am super excited for the world cup!

get on this!

2010-06-10T20:18:00.003+01:00

I am making some travelling plans... maybe even to America and Canada!

so could you please leave your city and state/county in your comment incase Im able to come visit :D I need to map this shit out! I really want to meet you guys!

Nothing to report. Eating less. Exercising more. Got my nose to the grind, people!

the shizzle as it stands....

2010-06-09T18:45:00.005+01:00

I got my pedometer back! I missed counting my steps even if they were minimal! So back on my ten thousand steps malarkey :D well I have committed to at least five thousand this week because my muscles are still frickin' aching from the four continuous days of packing/ unpacking and cleaning that almost killed me through exhaustion.

Despite that I am going to blow the dust off my wii fit board and get on with some exercising! Yes. I am actually wanting to move my caboose off the couch.

Definitely a good sign.

Also had the most yummy dinner tonight. My parents got this really cool new cooker. We had baked potato with cheese, bacon and mushrooms. My lovely mother sco

oped out the potato mashed it and then put it back in the skin topped with melted cheese, bacon and some delicious mushrooms ( a certain someone made me crave them).

This is the dinner we had. OK. So visually not so good looking but OMG delicious!

This is the weird cooker thingy!

Exciting times!

2010-06-08T19:44:00.002+01:00

'Sup y'all?

I am officially back on track. Got a little competition with my friend. Going to visit Sarah (big_mummy) soon. Also I have moved back to my parents house. Yep. Couldn't afford to live in the awesome city that is Manchester. I kinda felt a lil lonely there too. Who knows what this move will do to my weight loss... we will see.

However, I am in a great frame of mind. Maybe I needed a change. Thanks for the kind and arse kicking comments of the last post. Needed them :D you guys rock. Hopefully I can now catch up with you guys!

i am an idiot

2010-06-03T15:56:00.002+01:00

Why can't I just do it?

I am up 14 pounds.

Half of what I lost.

It's practically square one.

p.s sorry I have been a bad blogger of late.

shit shit and just shit

2010-05-27T10:13:00.002+01:00

if you can't watch the video apologies.

it basically says things are shit

i have an ear infection :(

food is ok

no exercise

feel and look like shit

SHIT TIMES.

Thanks to those people on facebook/those who expressed they miss me

also I dare not weigh in....

deep appreciation...

2010-05-16T17:22:00.003+01:00

Thanks to everyone who commented on the post the other day.

Hello to the new readers :D

I am back on track :D

One thing I have realised with the over eating this last few weeks is that now I am back to eating regular meals and not snacking the crap out life I am back to feeling hungry. I hope it doesn't take me to long to settle back to normal. I guess I've just gotten used to eating loads. My stomach doesn't like the smaller portions. WELL DAMN YOU GREED!

The lethargy and feeling like general shit will probably linger for a while too but I am trying to shake it off. Revision sucks. But two more days people. TWO MORE DAYS.

That's all I have for now.

Man, I have missed blogging.

SERIOUS HELP NEEDED

2010-05-14T18:19:00.007+01:00

Ok people. I have been a very bad blogger and for that I apologise. But the consequences have been bad for me. See those pictures? Apart from the coke I have practically been eating these every day on top of my main meals. EVERY DAY. How bad is that? I have never been so stressed as I have these last two weeks. I have one more exam left (on Wed) and I am driven to distraction with the stress. It is no excuse to eat like this though. Zero exercise too.

ok people I need your support and encouragement.

but I also need the TOUGH LOVE.

the return of the serial whiner!

2010-05-05T15:28:00.002+01:00

Well hello there...

Do you remember me? Miss whine-a-lot!

Thank you to everyone who has gotten in touch with me and asked after my well being. Especially to those who said they missed me. Much appreciated. x

This is just a quick one to let you know I am back in the blogging business. Forgive me for not catching up on your blogs sooner. I will get on it.

Missed ya!

whiner! whiner!

2010-04-15T19:18:00.003+01:00

I had mini realisation.

Life is tough. Right now it's fucking hard.

I am exhausted everyday.

When I leave school and have to get a job it is not going to get any easier. I keep waiting for life to be just easy and simple and effortless. But it ain't gonna happen. I just have to step it up. Stop whining and just do it.

Confession time :D

2010-04-12T09:23:00.003+01:00

I have fifteen days to my final exams.

I have ten days to hand in my final dissertation.

I am stressed to the ultimate heights.

BAH. Just need school to be over.

This last week has been dreadful. Drinking lots of wine and cider. Eating what I like when I like. At some points I was having 4\5 meals a day. No water. No exercise. No caring. No blogging. I have managed to stay the same the last month but today I weighed in and I am up two pounds. I am surprised that it is only two pounds to be honest.

Current Weight: 19 stones 3 pound (269 lbs)

Previous weight: 19 stones 1 pound (267 lbs)

Highest weight: 21 stones 3 pounds (297 lbs)

Weight loss this week: stayed the same.

Total weight lost: 2 stone (28lbs)

I do not want this to be the start of a decline. One gain usually signals this. Not this time. It is a small wake up call. I *know* what needs to be done. I just need to do it. I need the accountability of the blog. So I am BACK. I realise how much I need and miss your support. I will catch up with you all soon.

I love jack sh*t!

2010-04-06T21:22:00.003+01:00

These are the pictures from what I got in the post this morning!! It's my runner up prize from Jack Sh*t! Cool or what? I was so excited. The postman came all the way to the third floor to deliver this :D Thanks Jack! Not only does he have great advice but great gifting skills. Thanks again. It made me soooooo happy.

I weighed in. I am the same again. I will take that. I haven't been the best lately.

Sorry I havent been reading blogs either. Il catch up I promise.

same old shit

2010-04-03T22:23:00.002+01:00

The last few days have been bad.

No blogging. No tracking. No caring.

I hate not caring. It can lead quite easily to that slippery slope of MASSIVE GAIN.

But on a small positive. Chugging the water. Went for a loooooooong bike ride. Tracking again.

That's a positive, right?

2010-03-30T19:03:00.002+01:00

It has been a bad bad bad week. I thought I was back on track.

Nope. Broke up with Simon.

Parent problems.

Used both emotional issues to just eat and do pretty much nothing else. Well, I watched House.

My misery loves comfort. Comfort food.

I weighed in and stayed the same thank frick but it will probably show up with a gain next week.

No excuses. Just not feeling it.

Back on track

2010-03-27T19:22:00.002Z

You gotta do what ever to make yourself feel better.

I woke up on the right side of the bed.

I am smiling.

I am tracking food.

I painted my nails alternate pink. green. pink. green.

I cleaned the flat.

I had left over healthy spag bol for lunch.

And yummy fajitas for dinner. I stopped at two even though I wanted a third.

I went all the way into town to buy the fourth season of House.

Got me 5k steps.

I love House *sigh* I cannot believe I just discovered it.

I feel it.

:(

2010-03-26T11:14:00.002Z

And so it begins...

The stress of todays deadline has made me over eat this week.

I am exhausted.

The rest of today is for watching House (my new addiction) and sleeping.

Nothing else interesting to say.

the not so much weigh in

2010-03-23T09:28:00.002Z

Current Weight: 19 stones 1 pound (267 lbs)

Previous weight: 19 stones 1 pound (267 lbs)

Highest weight: 21 stones 3 pounds (297 lbs)

Weight loss this week: stayed the same.

Total weight lost: 2 stone 2 pounds (30lbs)

Stayed the same again. I will take that. I EXTREMELY STRESSED. I am miserable too and I don't think things are going to work out with Simon. In fact all I feel like doing is crying, going to bed and eating lots of chocolate malteser rabbits.

An almost clean weekend....

2010-03-22T09:55:00.002Z

Damnit almost!

My wine was all calorie counted. My roast dinner a success. I ate a mountain sized pile of carrots. I went on a 3 hour walk!! Totalling 21 thousand steps. I had dinner cooked for me last night. Did not have the chips (fries) with it. Had one teeny weeny slice of flatmates home made victoria sponge. (When my phone gets fixed I will show you)

Then despite being full went back for a frickin' second slice. It was delicious but unnecessary.

I am feeling pretty crappy today. I lost the simcard out of my phone. So I can't text or phone anyone. I feel lost with out it. Its gonna take four days and £15 to sort out. Sucky. I hope it doesn't make me snacky.

Join me...

2010-03-19T21:06:00.001Z

Here's to a clean eating weekend.

the weight loss scale

2010-03-18T22:02:00.004Z

(didn't know how else to do it. so its a screen shot)

This is the graph of my weight losses and gains since I started January.

There three clear massive spikes. major gains.

1. may time =exams

2. august= went on holiday

3. christmas

These are the numbers that went into the fat file.

DATE	WEIGHT
Jan-09	297
Feb-09	283
05.03.09	280
12.03.09	279
19.03.09	278
26.03.09	278
09.04.09	274
16.04.09	278
23.04.09	275
30.04.09	273
07.05.09	274
15.05.09	271
11.06.09	284
18.06.09	278
29.06.09	274
06.07.09	273
13.07.09	273
20.07.09	274
27.07.09	272
03.08.09	271
08.08.09	271
17.08.09	279
24.08.09	270
16.10.09	269
25.10.09	268
30.10.09	266
06.11.09	266
27.11.09	271
04.11.09	268
02.01.10	282
09.01.10	275
15.01.10	273
29.01.10	273
05.02.10	271
12.02.10	268
26.02.10	270
02.03.10	261
09.03.10	261
16.03.10	261

The only comfort I can take from this is at least I am actually at a point of loss.

the fat files...

2010-03-17T23:04:00.002Z

Today I created the 'fat book'.

I gathered all of my fattest looking pics of me ever.

And some ones that I like.

I re-read my entire blog. That was hard.

I have started to make a chart documenting my weight losses and gains. So there's a progress section.

Inspiration pages... things that I want to be able to do and wear and stuff... to motivate me.

During this exam/study time last year I gained back over half of what I lost. Not this time. I have maintained for the last two weeks or so. I will take that. No gains. I made this book to remind to look forward... I can do this. I WILL NOT GAIN IT BACK.

another stay the same!

2010-03-16T14:03:00.005Z

Current weight: 19 stones 1 pounds (267 lbs)

Previous weight: 19 stones 1 pounds (267 lbs)

Highest weight: 21 stones 3 pounds (297 lbs)

Weight loss this week: stayed the same

Total weight lost: 2 stone 2 lbs (30 lbs)

Pulled off another stay the same. I will take that. My period is still here and I am constipated (sorry). Done no exercise either. Simon stayed over last night. WE DO NOT EAT TAKE OUT FOOD. In fact I cooked a healthy quorn (meat free mince) chilli with whole wheat pasta. Yep. I cooked it. For another person. My chilli had mushrooms, onions, kidney beans, tomatoes, garlic and chilis. yum yum. I made enough to freeze and have later. And we had low fat ice cream for dessert. I rarely have dessert and low fat ice cream usually sucks but it was yummy.

I only got like four hours of sleep so today I am exhausted. And for all you filthy minded bloggers it was not for THAT reason. Stupid period is still here. I just cannot share my bed. I sleep in the middle of the bed usually or in diagonally or in like a star shape. Having another person there takes up all my space! And he's a really cuddly sleeper. I HATE THAT. I NEED MY SPACE.

2010-03-15T09:17:00.003Z

You guys are awesome.

You came out with some strong with some great gems of advice.

I have written alot of it down in my notebook.

And plus I do not want an arse kicking from several of you!

Simon is comig over tonight after uni

We will not eat out.

I DO WANT THIS.

I NEED TO JUST DO IT.

I AM NOT THE SAME PERSON I WAS LAST YEAR.

i need help.

2010-03-14T11:58:00.002Z

I seem to be having one bad day of bad food at the weekend and can never recover from it. I have to learn to say no. I am definitely having problems with the no. I am going to be spending literally every day studying and keep seeing the weekend has my time off to relax. TOO RELAXED. I am finding it hard to exercise. The motivation is just not there. I am so tired from reading and typing and trying to comprehend everything I have to before the deadlines approach. It is making me miserable. And on top of all that I am worried I am going to regain everything I have lost so far. It happened last year. My eating due to stress snowballed.

Help me.

the dreaded wardrobe

2010-03-12T11:07:00.011Z

TA DAH MY WARDROBE IN ITS ENTIRETY

(minus a oversized hoody and socks and pyjamas)

These jeans... plus the oneS I am wearing. 3 pair in total...

My comfort tshirts.... (only wear these around the house)

I only own three pairs of shoes...

This is what I am wearing today... like what I pretty much wear every day. Dark colours and a cardigan....
Black black black....
the same cardigan in three different colours...

new stuff...

My favourite part of my wardrobe. Novelty knickers.!

Can't wait to lose more weight and have a better wardrobe that is not so dark.

LOSING MORE WEIGHT.

AND SOON.

this post was inspired by Alexia. Go check out her blog @ http://www.mywickedwickedways.org/

inspirational potatoes!

2010-03-10T23:04:00.003Z

What is your most favourite baked potato topping?

Ok people... GET CREATIVE.

There will be a small prize for the yummiest answer!

in[FAT]uation

On it like a car bonnet...

Nothing new. Nothing learned.

Post holiday weigh in....

Again...

Another Day

Continuing Continuity...

The worst blogger that ever lived...

And repeat....

Unrecognisable...

denial

The return of the fatty

working on it

Out of the dark and into the light??

Not sure...

I am back.

??????

3 days so far so good...

And so it begins!

Oh fucking dear

holiday cheer

utter despair

good and bad times!

The bare minimum!

Exciting times!

Madness!

A new beginning of sorts...

Oh the temptations....

I missed my 300th post

Not much to say for once...

a big thank you!

Bad bad bad bad bad times!

sad face

Hmmph.

bad times.

The consequences of hiking!

Thinner Thursdays!

woeful wednesday!

the weekend and stuff

Yay and nay....

Things are a changing!

catching up!

Birthday blues?

is 5lbs beginners luck?

Eeeek!

Miserable Monday!

All about the points

A biggie...

Doctor's verdict....

Never a good number...

It's the whiner. Again.

It has been a while...

Where the fuck am I?

I was having a bit of a wii fit...

HUZZAH

nothing exciting here.

Well hello there...

Back on track...

If you're really happy DO NOT READ this post. MISERABLENESS

Epic unfitness

woo wii!

strange times!

no whining just doing!

Oooops

note for today

Smiley saturday

A quick note

bad times

The BAD the GOOD and the downright UGLY

Motivational Monday

Grandmabears sunday lunch!

Shitty Saturday...

w.i.d.t.h (thanks jack sh*t)

bad times to good times *fingers crossed*

Mixed bag!

get on this!

the shizzle as it stands....

Exciting times!

i am an idiot

shit shit and just shit

bad times to good times fingers crossed