Well hello there...

So it has been two years since my last post….

And 'Where have I been? My progress so far?'

The answer is no where and nothing.

Lost all of that weight and overcome all of those challenges for nothing. Back to square one. But here I am once again calling on the help of the blog. This is not about followers or an audience. It is for me. Some thing to get me back on track because I can no longer continue on this self destructive path. I can already feel myself spiralling out of control. This time however it comes with a heavy emotional price. I am depressed. A recent trip to the doctor has seen me on the way to medication. Initially, the thought of pills 'happy pills' as my mother calls them made me feel embarrassed and stupid. Now I am trying to accept that I need whatever help I can get.

I don't want to be sleeping my life away.
Or pushing away all of my friends.
The constant miserableness, loneliness and sadness is too much.

I need my life back.
And that starts today.

I have done the mundane things to distract me from worrying about work. My two week absence starts today. I am trying everything I can not to dwell on it or add it to my stress list. I must keep the miserable at bay.

I am trying.

A little of this and that...

I have lost consecutively at my last two weigh ins which hasn't happened for a very long time. I do feel like I am making more conscious food decisions though exercise is still leaving something to be desired. I am hoping to re light my enthusiasm for stepping. Doing my 10k steps a day actually worked for me, became an achievable target and it meant I wasn't making exercise promises I wouldn't commit to.


Need to stick with it.
Forward and keep positive.


Made some mini goals. Trying to keep the posts relatively short til I get back into a rhythm.


Also going to review some of my previous posts... looking at successes and failures.

Back for the millionth time...

Today I am making changes.
That is all


:)


AND boy is this blog neglected.
Make over starts now!

On it like a car bonnet...

On it like a car bonnet... is a phrase of my brothers. Meaning in this sense I am so on track I couldn't be any more on track. Probably shouldn't say that or I will jinx myself. Just got back from a swimming session and I am buzzing!!! I was a nemo, TJ style.


My brother has joined weight watchers which is currently spurring me on :) it's good for us too, gives us something to do together. He came swimming with me. I am surprised at his determination so far. I hope he sticks with it. He's about 150 pounds heavier than me so I can understand how hard it is for him. Hopefully I will be more of a help than a hindrance.


Just have to keep it up.

Nothing new. Nothing learned.

Gained half a pound this week. No surprise. Thought it might be more.
Had two full pizzas to myself. Must learn not to comfort eat when work is shitty.

New week. Renewed effort.
Positive. Positive.

Post holiday weigh in....

Not as bad as expected. I ended up working late and almost missed my meeting but my leader is lovely and she allowed me to get weighed afterwards. I said to her 'Don't tell me out loud just write it down' as I hopped on the scales. I think I get kudos for turning up at all after the day I've had. 


Turns out it was only 2.5 pound gain. I WILL TAKE THAT. I was expecting at least 6 or 7 pounds.


Shrink Shrink Shrink.

Again...

It's that time of year again.


I have seen it again and again. Those bloggers who fall off the wagon and then resurface in the new year with their grand resolutions and the temporary positive attitude coupled with an energetic burst and love for exercise. Today this is me. I am back. I am that optimistic sap.


I have made my resolutions. I have made the promises to myself. I have made the necessary arrangements that I think will keep me on track for this year.


I have everything crossed.
Maybe 2012 will be my year.

Another Day

Made me some delicious chilli.


Today I determined to get at least 5k steps. My target used to be 10k. Those were the days. But something is better than nothing. Got some walking into day. I am definitely feeling much more positive. I even have energy. I cleaned the bathroom from top to bottom yesterday, did quite a bit walking too. However it is majorly windy and very chilly here so I am finding it hard to go out and walk but I aim to go swimming again on wednesday. Hopefully that will become a regular fixture.


It's weigh in tonight. Got my fingers crossed.


Niggling doubts of the week: my cousins are over from Ireland. This to my family means lots of eating out and 'treats'. Must stay focused. Also this weekend coming I am coming I am off to Manchester to visit old uni friends which means lots of alcohol. I must behave. I hope I can have fun but not be too excessive. I will probably talk about that more later.


Over and out.

Continuing Continuity...

Got my nemo on this week. As my good friend TJ would say. Been on track pretty much all week. Could definitely step up the exercise though. And I have this week off work so not many excuses.


Need to get back in to the habit of blogging regularly. It definitely helps. Need to read all my fave bloggers too. It has definitely been more than a while.


Right now my mood is good which is making staying on track way easier.
Fingers crossed I can keep this up.

The worst blogger that ever lived...

You will have probably forgotten who I am. I just about remember myself. Today I went to my w.w meeting for the first time in a long time. I actually lost three pounds. Got myself under a big weight marker that I never ever ever wanted to hit. EVER. I never ever want to get above that.


I hope that the weight watchers catchphrase of 'This time decide to lose weight for the last time' applies to me this time. I am at my absolute heaviest. If I go up one more size in clothes I am going to have to order specially made stuff and not be able to buy from shops. I completely cannot afford to do that. I am tired of avoiding social events, friends and photographs. I am sick of denying the things that make me happy which creates that vicious fat/depression circle.


A lot is going on at work right now that is stressing me out so I need to stay positive. I have been learning to drive for almost a year and am still crap at it. This makes me sad. I need more confidence and I hope that losing this fat will make me gain some.


Cross your fingers that my will power doesn't desert me and that this time is the last time.


Over and out.

And repeat....

On track.
On track.
On track.


Today is a new day.
Today is a new day.
Today is a new day.


I can do it.
I can do it.
I can do it.

Unrecognisable...

This week has been an experience. I hit an all time low mentally and physically an all time high. The two are not a great combination. In fact just typing that sentence has exhausted me. everything these days does. That extra weight I have gained is actually starting to physically hurt me. I have always been fat but it is starting to affect my life noticeably. My work uniform is shrinking, my back aches, my feet hurt, the thighs are rubbing again, I am exhausted all the time, I just want to sleep and eat and do nothing.


I weighed in at my weight watchers meeting and after a seven pound gain took me over a weight threshold I never thought I hit. I broke down. Sobbing frantically. My leader hugged me till I stopped and sat me aside till we worked through some stuff. I didn't care that everyone was looking at me or I stopped others weighing in. I was a mess. I hope I can work up the courage to go next week.


I can't make any promises or even put in to words what I actually need to do to get back on track because there is so much. So one thing at a time, slowly slowly til I feel the momentum catching me again. 

denial

I am going to pretend that I never gave up, that I never gained almost 3 stone since I started blogging, that I hate that I cannot magic this fat away instantly.


Just going to get on with it.
Possibly be less whiney about it
And actually lose some fucking weight.


So to a clean slate!

Today I was going through a lot of my belongings that my parents are storing for me until I can get a place of my own. I came across a jar entitled blog me. My good friend Sarah and her kidlets made for me   last year and I never ever used. So today, on my clean slate, I am going to open it. It is filled with suggestions/ideas/questions to inspire me to blog.


*opens jar* *reads paper*
QUESTION: Am I open minded?


Answer: I like to think of myself as being open minded. But sometimes I do come across things that cause me to question that. But like everything it's about tolerance and respect.

The return of the fatty

Well hello there...


I am officially back on the internet. I am officially back to blogging. I am officially fatter than ever.


Today I used the worst excuse ever.
This is how the conversation went:


Mother: Are you going to back to your weightwatchers meeting?
Me: UM no, not til I lose some weight
Mother: ok then


Then I took a step back and realised what I just said. I can't go to back to weightwatchers because I need to lose weight first! Seriously how fucked up is that. W.w is the one place I need to go to stay on track and lose weight. What a ridiculous statement. I think this made me realise all of the excuses I have been using of late is bull shit. I need to step up and deal with all the reasons why I am avoiding losing the weight.


But I have now reached the point where my weight is hurting me. I never really had weight related problems before but now my back hurts, I can barely walk long distances with out being short of breath, I think it is the reason I am not sleeping properly, I can barely fit in my work uniform (and I have hit the biggest size before I have to have one specially made) and I just feel utterly miserable and have reverted to back to being a hermit.


Enough for today! Need to ease my way into the blogging business!

working on it

i am back
And even on track


But my internet is so slow at my new place. it took me forty minutes just to load this page so its hard for me to read blogs and do anything of real importance. :(


working on it

Out of the dark and into the light??

Hello my name is Simone.

And I am a serial quitter.

I do not even know where to begin. I daren't even weigh in I know that I have gained that much. I cannot believe i have let myself get far worse than when I first started. It is embarrassing and shameful. I have been un able to even read others blogs because the success stories remind I am the worst kind of loser and the people in my position just echo the sad mess I find myself in. Neither producing motivation of any kind.

The last couple of weeks I have blamed the gains on work related stress and other family related problems. Why can I not be one of those people who lose weight in stressful times? bah.

I cannot get any fatter. My brother is a lot fatter than me and I cannot reach that level. I watch his struggles and weight related problems, I CANNOT BECOME LIKE HIM. I struggle enough as it is. I am in fact so far back past square one, I can no longer see it. It is a vague shape in the dark.

I feel lost. stuck. sad.alone.fat.miserable.confused.angry.helpless.

But I need to do this. I dont want to die before I am thirty.

over and out.

Not sure...

Finally hit an all time low.

I went away with my sister this week. It was great but she was like lets take loads of pictures of us together. I couldn't do it. I was too embarrassed and now the moment has gone. I can't go back and record our fun. I am too ashamed. I am officially the heaviest ever. I cannot even bring myself to admit to you what size clothes I am now wearing.

No matter how much I tell myself I need this. Or want it. I cannot seem to do it. My will power (or lack there of) is disgusting. Right now I am pulling every motivational tool and inspirational idea out the big fat weight loss bag and hoping something sticks.

Work sucks.

I suck.

My eating sucks.

bah everything sucks.

One positive thing is I am moving out this week from my parents. I hope this helps.

I am back.

I am. I have been thinking a lot. I don't want to end up being the size of my brother or being one those really enormous people that they make a documentary about because they have to have a crane remove them from their house. Not me.

I am back to the bottom and the only way is up my friends.

Plus I cannot afford to buy any bigger clothes.

I have gotten some energy from some where so I must capitalise on it.

Work sucks. If that improved I think would be doing a lot better.

??????

i have lost the art of blogging.

i haven't read some one else's blog in so long.

i am lost.

unsure.

unhappy.

confused.

stuck.

helpless.

have nothing to say.

i am very hateful right now.

3 days so far so good...

This year is already testing me and we are three days in!

I slept through new years. And woke feeling miserable. Then didn't have time to wallow as my granddad has been taken into hospital. So we're dividing visiting schedules up between the family. I have been grandma sitting for the last couple of days. She has nothing healthy in her house. So I got my mother to bring me stuff. Then last night the electricity went off for three hours. The entire village! God I didn't half realise how much I rely on the internet and my phone. I felt very snacky but managed to reign it in.

Did two hours worth of ironing before the leccy went off. Hopefully might get some wii time later.

KEEPING POSITIVE.

or I am gonna fake it til I make it.

:D