Thursday, 5 August 2010

Where the fuck am I?

Where the fuck am I? Good question.

I was in a bad place. The last two weeks has seen my eating grown enormously out of control. In fact if I told you what I ate you'd be sick from just hearing about it. It sickens me to think about it. My mother tried to reign me in but all I did was yell at her and say "I AM 22 YEARS OLD I'LL EAT WHAT THE HELL I WANT." So embarrassed to say that. My moods have been all over the place. One day I am extremely happy on top of the world the next I am suicidal. There is no in between. I have snapped and been nasty to everyone trying to give me support. For that reason I haven't blogged. I just feel poisonous of late. Big surprise I skipped weighing in with the nurse.

Every day I have been waking up waiting for the motivation to grab me and shake me in to submission. It hasn't happened. It will not happen. I NEED TO FIND IT. I cannot sit here and wait for life to happen to me. I must make things happen. No one else can do this for me. No magic wand. I keep thinking it has to be something big to motivate me, something momentous but that is not true. I just have to do it.

Watch this whining space!

Catch up on blogs soon. x promise!

18 comments:

Crys said...

It's your blog and you can whine if you want to! We've all been there. Motivation is a tricky thing... I've been getting B12 shots this go around and I swear it's made all the differences in that area. Hang in there! We all go through it.

Alexia said...

love, you have to figure out how to motivate yourself. i know what motivates me, but i don't know what will motivate you.

simply put, i really really hate being fat. i know you do, too. so do whatever it takes? try putting everything in perspective?

i don't want to waste any more of my twenties being fat. join me why don't you?

Fat Daddy said...

I wish I knew what it is that makes us finally get moving. I let my 20's and 30's go without losing the weight.

And I had no great epiphany when I finally did at 42. I don't know why. Just keep trying.

Natasha said...

Hang in there girl! I'm sorry your having such a horrible time right now. Maybe you should see about talking to someone professional? Maybe the mood swings are an enbalance? Do you have a friend near you, that you can buddy up with to excercise or go walking with? I don't know the answer as far as finding motivation I'm still working on that myself. I just starting going to professionals to see if they can help push me on the right path. I feel your pain. ((HUGE HUGS)) Chin up and know that you can do this :-)

Beth @ fatbustermack said...

Days like this are the worst! But don't hide from us, we've all been there. Heck I'm stepping on the scale just to see it go up. SO DEPRESSING! I've decided that today I take control again. Not sure how...But I will!

TJ said...

Hang in there my wildfluffy friend! We all have crappy days- we all understand. xoxo

arielcircleofnine said...

just sending a hug your way. we all do really understand, this battle sucks!!!! keep up the good fight sweets!

M Pax said...

Transition is hard, Grasshopper.

But yes, you make your life. Get yourself in a positive place and treat yourself positively. Things will flow from that.

Do they have volunteer opportunities? Get involved in something. Helping others will help yourself, plus you'll get to meet other people and get out of your own head. It's a step. One leads to the next.

Behave like you love and believe in yourself. Eventually the behavior will sink into your core and you will love and believe in yourself. From there, really amazing things happen.

You may not believe I began this journey in a pit of hell. But I did. I've come a long way. So can you. I'm happy again. You can be happy, too.

Just make a plan to do one thing consistently in the right direction. Just one. It leads to the next and then the next.

Scuttleboose said...

We all have days or weeks or years like this - we completely understand! beyond that, perhaps some tough love -- get your ass in gear woman! :)

Katie J said...

I am with FD Simone! You don't want to weight another 15-20 years feeling like you do. I will tell you right now it is a whole lot easier moving around when you are younger. Flexibility and endurance are on your side still.

Dig deep sweetie! We all have faith in you and KNOW you can do this. You will be happy you did it!

Julie said...

I can honestly say I know exactly how you feel... my moods are on this roller coaster ride and all I can do is eat and hold on for the ride... although i need to change the motivation is hardly there.

Lost the spark :(

hang in there, we will make it

F. McButter Pants said...

Puffy Heart Hug! I am just reading this, though I have seen you on FB.

I think the secret is not to wait for the motivation. Act as if you do have it. It will come.

love ya Kid!

Anonymous said...

Hi Simone

I've been following you for a while and you have shown such guts and determination in the past, reading this I am wondering if you maybe have some hormone fluctuations which are totally throwing you off track, if you get PMS worth being checked for PCOS which defo makes it much harder to loose weight unchecked. Much respect that you don't give up girl :) Big Hugs, Laura

freaking awesome body said...

hello there! I know how you feel. I think we all do. We've all be there, not knowing how to get the motivation back. I'm not sure what worked for me. I am finally finding some success with my journey and for once in my life I am loving my work outs. I've been dieting for 14 years, doing well then quiting and gaining only to start over again. I can't say what made this time different, but I know it is. I can feel it. And you will get to that point too. The key is just not to give up. YOU CAN DO THIS!!

Katie
www.freakingawesomebody.blogspot.com

Leaving Fatville said...

Been there, done that. You can't make the inspiration come. All you can do is be patient and listen to it when it comes to you. It might be in stages, eat right this week, feel better next week. Keep moving the week after that. That was me. I got so mad at having to do all this weight loss crap, I left it in the dust for two months. But slowly, it reminded me that I needed to come back. The wheeze in my lungs going up a hill, struggling to haul my son up to my hip (he did get heavier, but still). The little things like that will get you to right track again.

Katie J said...

Simone! Why are you not blogging? We miss you and I think it would help you be accountable. Just MHO xoxox Love you Missus!

Heather said...

I have no motivation. Never have. Maybe that's why I suck at this too. But, I do have PCOS and since getting treatment have had better luck, not with the motivation though. I hate to exercise and I love everything about food! And I hate that I have to do it when my BFF is skinny by nature and eats whatever, and still has the audacity to bitch about being fat!! Motivation has never come to me, and I lost my twenties to being a tub. I'm tired of looking like a slob, so I continuously try and re-try and am hoping that if I throw the fat at the wall enough, maybe it will stick there...instead of on my fat ass! You're not alone. We all struggle and get pissed off about being fat and having to work at not being. You'll get there, motivation or not. Use the rage to burn some serious cals. I went through some nasty shit about 18 months ago and taking it out on my elliptical felt good. Give it a try.

big_mummy said...

get back here at once. I demand it