the fat person and me

Where to start?
I'm always good at starting things but never finishing them. However with 'this' I am finding it hard to accumulate the words I need despite thinking about it for a ridiculous amount of time. A good friend of mine said it was because I am too scared of what other people think, and I guess that is quite true. I must learn to take the rough with the smooth so here I am finally (desperately trying) overcoming that 'problem'. Even as I wrote that I cringed. I'm still scared. Anyway I am digressing. What I need to share, get out in the open, tell someone, get off my chest, if anyone is listening is that I AM FAT AND SOMETIMES I REALLY DON'T GIVE A FUCK. however there are times when I do.

I want to address some things about being fat, overweight, obese, chubby, big boned, whatever word you want to use. There are a lot of negativity devoted to the heavier humans, but we are still people. I might be fat but I'm not stupid, I don't think I'm particularly hideously ugly, I have many positive attributes like being friendly and kind and funny and such but I don't understand why I'm treated like a leper. Why even if its the last seat on the bus no one will take it. Obesity is not a disease that you can catch yet that's how I am treated. I am not saying everyone is this narrow minded but a lot of people see me this way. It is one thing that people cannot just get past, it's a mental block, from school to university it has followed. I just don't understand the worlds obsession with being so thin that your bones protrude from your body and you look like you're an inch away from decomposing. However I'm not saying that being fat is ideal either because mostly its not pretty but big can be beautiful too.

There are varying degrees of 'fatness' there are those who are so fat they are beyond losing it and have never helped or tried to help themselves, those who are just slightly overweight and carry off nice curves, those who fat and trying to lose it etc just like there are varying degrees of thinness. But anorexia and bulimia are illnesses that quite public and are constantly in the media but no one really talks about those who over eat. Numerous people over the years have told me how lazy I must be to still be this heavy but losing weight is a lot harder than those believe. Unless you have been fat, and I mean in the medically obese category and not size 12 fat then you can't really comment. I am an over eater. Eating makes me feel better. When I'm depressed I eat, it comforts, albeit temporarily but it does and at the time there's no thinking 'I shouldn't be doing this, a moment on the lips and all that, its just the release of pleasure, those few precious moments of feeling happy are worth it. Some people drink or take drugs, I EAT. Over-eating is a big issue that not a lot of people talk about but its getting worse. Food can be almost drug like. Alcoholics can't just go cold turkey neither can drug addicts so why expect over eaters to suddenly snap out of that dangerous addictive self harming ritual?

YES BEING FAT IS UNHEALTHY. The body being the temple and all that jazz. People do far worse things to their body than eating and not exercising. Simple everyday things that people are so relaxed about, smoking for instance. That not only harms the user but others around it.

IS BEING FAT EN EXCUSE FOR VERBAL ABUSE? Once I was waiting outside a shop for my friend. A bus had pulled up short outside, waiting for the traffic lights to change. Lost in my own thoughts I hear yelling after a couple of seconds I scout out the source. It's a teenage girl yelling from an open window on the top storey of the bus as I look up she yells HA THAT GOT YOUR ATTENTION. ENJOYING YOUR DOUGHNUTS FATTY? I stand there bewildered by this angry and unnecessary abuse. As the bus pulls away shes still laughing. I DON'T GET IT. I actually don't like doughnuts. Why did she need to yell that at me? That's what gets me. I just don't understand why. But then again I do. We human beings do get satisfaction out of demeaning those we deem less fortunate than ourselves. Maybe she doesn't realise I know I'm fat. I can actually see myself in a mirror though at times I do avoid it.

NO. I DO NOT EAT 24 HOURS A DAY. It may surprise people to know that I actually eat quite healthily. However its not that healthily because I'm still fat. Its the lack of exercise that gets me. A couple of months ago I would have blamed that on the fact that I wasn't sleeping properly, I was depressed and had no energy. However now I have no such excuse. I sleep for a solid eight hours, I am not depressed and have ten times as much energy as before. My new excuse is because I have let myself get this fat my thighs rub together viciously after exercise to the point where it hurts to walk after a couple of days. I know I need to get past this to lose some of my weight but I'm not one for pain.

I have much more to say. But tonight, now, I am tired and my eyes ache. And I'm doubting anyone will read this.

OVER AND OUT