Saturday, 28 March 2009

gargh

I already feel that this week is slipping away from me and no matter how positive I am trying to be it is just not happening. At 11pm last night my grandad was rushed back into coronary care, his heart beat was too weak. He was only released from hospital two days ago. He is now being kept in until he can be transfered to another hospital to get a pace maker. I am so worried about him and my gran. She can't look after her self without him, she is pretty much chair bound. So at midnight I went to go stay with her.  I feel bad that I am posting this because I feel like I am whining about how this will affect me when they're going through something really scary but.... I need to let it out.

Reasons/excuses why the week is slipping away...

1. I had my post weigh in treat even though I gained.
2. I ate my meal and half of my mothers. WITHOUT BATTING AN EYELID
3. I had lunch two hours earlier than normal, dinner then followed earlier and I was left hungry in the evening
4. I had three kitkats and now even though I feel a little guilty. I don't really care.
5. I didn't get much sleep at my grandmas house and now I am tired and worried and really not caring about my food intake
6. I only managed 0.35km on the bike because my grandma hip started up again. I want to exercise but it hurts. I think I might actually drag my arse to the doctor. which I hate.

I am tired and miserable and I just want to say 'FUCK THIS WEEK'. There is a tiny little part of me whispering 'don't do it, you've worked so hard to get this far' but I can barely hear it. It is much easier just to do nothing. I thought I had accepted the gain gracefully but now I feel like I was kidding myself. Yes, I understand how it happened but I don't like it one bit. A gain in the past after so many weeks of not gaining was enough to through me off the weight loss wagon completely. I think a gain this week would be pretty much make the ride to rough. Even though I can see this clearly and understand another gain would heavily set back my momentum. I REALLY, RIGHT NOW IN THIS MOMENT, DON'T FUCKING CARE.

17 comments:

Dina said...

Sorry to hear your grandpa isn't doing well. I think it's only normal to stress eat when that kind of stuff happens. I feel the same way as you about not really caring lately. (although my stress is way less and more shallow than yours).

Focus on what you can do. Like make a deal that even if you are eating more, you will still exercise, get in water, etc. Don't just abandon it. Then come back to the healthier eating when you can. I'm gonna sound like a Teletubbie, but "BIG HUGS"!!

arielcircleofnine said...

more big teletubby hugs! I think the idea of making a deal with yourself is a good one.
Last month I too had some stress; work-related and also surrounding moving to a new place after a very very long time (nothing like what you are having to handle right now!). I had twice given myself permission to do what I had to do to make it through. If that meant eating too much or eating something I shouldnt have then so be it. I tried not to eat total crap, or huge portions but I can tell you with some shadow of a pun intended "I had much bigger fish to fry".
By the way, I never weigh. Ever. Because a tiny gain or loss has a big effect on me emotionally and I just dont need it. I know what I am supposed to do, and I'll continue to do it MOST of the time, and life goes on.
Be good to yourself and get through it. Hope things go well with your grandpa and he's home with gran real soon.
Hang in there!!!!!

HopeFool said...

Prayers sent for your grandpa, Sweeite...

I feel ya about the not giving a fuck thing. I'm right there with you. I think if I maintain this month I should be satisfied.

My Big Fat Super Super Obese Blog said...

I'm so sorry your grandfather isn't feeling well. It is so stressful to have someone you love ill like that, but its perfectly normal to feel overwhelmed by the extra responsibility it places on your shoulders.

Sounds like more than enough stress to upset the apple cart sweetie. Don't be so hard on yourself though. Don't wiegh yourself this week. Do the best you can to avoid a full throttle melt down diet-wise, but don't beat yourself up if you reach for a kit kat under stress like this. Just try to maintain more control that you might have pre-diet. It doesn't mean you have to be PERFECT and avoid all horrible foods. Just try to minimize the damage until you can get back on your feet emotionally if that makes any sense.

Keep us updated on your g-paw, I'll be praying for him too xx

Carlos said...

i hope your grandpa gets the help he needs and recovers. WL sucks in the best of times and during stressful times is almost impossible. control what you can and don't beat yourself up.

TJ said...

Im so sorry to hear about your Grandpa. Hang in there!!! (((HUGS)))

:)tj

Tony said...

Life gets in the way sometimes, but as long as you are clear about what you want in the long run, then you will be able to succeed.

Fat Lazy Guy said...

It's okay. Take your time and do what you need to do. This... break, if you want to call it, doesn't matter :) Just get back on the horse when you're able, and do NOT feel bad. Just feel better :)

IRJessica said...

I hope your family situation gets better. It sounds very hard, and my heart is with you.

Now, come on. You don't care? I don't know you at all, and I know you well enough to know that isn't even close to true. Of course you care, maybe too much. If you could care about a slip up a little less, you would be having smooth sailing right now- but caring is a good thing. My whole world is refocusing on good-enough. It sounds lame when I say it out loud, but every time I let go of "perfection" (as if I've ever gotten near that- ha), things get better and better.

Take care of your family. Take care of you, cause like your grandad- others do and will be needing you.

Chews to Lose said...

I'm very sorry to hear about your grandpa. I hope he gets to feeling better real soon.

Dieting is so incredibly hard and to add any stress to the equation just makes it more difficult. I don't blame you for wanting to say "fuck it" to this week.

I'm sure that once your grandpa is feeling a little better you will too. Hang in there!!!

~ugly girl with a beautiful heart~ said...

Sorry to hear about your grandpa.

Listen to me, I'm rollin in the same boat you are right now as far as WL goes. Asking myself why, and saying I just don't fucking care anymore. You KNOW that's not true! You're having a setback, it happens, regardless of what some people say I will tell you to do what you need to do to make yourself content until you are ready to hop back on. But DO NOT GIVE UP! You've come too far and have been doing so well! Take the time you need, then come back, the gym and healthy food will be waiting with open arms!

Hugs to you...

Losing Waist! said...

Hey! I REALLY know how you feel. I sometimes tell myself (argue with myself really) that it is just a week and I will pick things up again after my next weigh in... and then it is like FIVE weeks later... boo! Things are stressful for you right now- maybe a goal of holding your weight would be something more attainable. I know that just seven months ago I would have GAINED terribly during a stressful week, and now I can look at holding my weight when things explode, as a victory! FUCK worrying over those kit-kats. That is only around 700 calories- it would take fifteen of them do do a pound of damage!

antgirl said...

Wow, you're going through a lot of stress. Agreed you have other priorities on your plate right now.

Keep that in mind. Other things should take precedence right now.

You're still new at all of this and you hit a big life bump early. New habits take time to set in. It would be more unusual not to revert back to old habits during this time.

Tell yourself it's OK and forgive yourself. Don't drag it around like baggage. It will keep you down. Just see it for what it is - a stressful time that you're dealing with as well as you can right now.

Then tell yourself when it's over, you'll go back to the new habits.

I went on and off quite a bit before finally settling with the new habits as ingrained as the old. So, don't think of it as failure, because it's not. You're only human. That's all it is - being human while there is a wicked turn in the road.

Hope your granpa is doing better. Hugs.

Its all about me said...

OMG I am soooo sorry to hear about your grandpa. My thoughts are with you at this time.

I have been in that sort of headspace lately too and can't seem to get my bleep bleep together it is the hardest thing ever. But you seem to me that you are so determined for that not to happen or you wouldn't have written in here.... don't ya think?

HUGS

Losing Waist! said...

hey! Don't you have that store... Evan's?? I have looked at the stuff on their website and most of it is pretty cute? Have you tried it?

Natasha said...

Sorry to hear about your grandpa and I can understand why your struggling. Hang in there!

((BIG HUGS))

wildfluffysheep said...

@ Dina
Thanks for the advice. I did manage to counter act the eating with the exercise. Yay for hugs.

@arielcircleofnine
thanks for the hugs! I can't not weigh in, seriously. It drives me insane. I need a number to hold myself accountable. thanks for the well wishes too.

@hopefool
thank you for the prayers. Very much appreaciated and I hear you on the maintain....

@My big fat super super obese blog
It was pretty stressful. *nods* I definitely wasn't perfect this week but I regained some ground so I am happy. thanks for being concerned about my grandpa.

@carlos
*nods* yes, sir. thanks my grandpa is on the mend.

@tj
thanks for the kind words and yay for more hugs

@Tony
very wise, thankyou.

@Fat Lazy Guy
*nods* i feel better and back on track. :D

@IRjessica
thankyou. it was a little hard. I know, I know. I DO CARE. I guess I was just having an off moment. thank you for your kind words and I appreciate you stopping by so much.

@Chews to lose
thankyou. He's feeling much better now. :D Dieting is hard without anything else factoring in! All is well for now.

@Ugly girl with a beautiful heart
Thank you for your encouragement missus! I can assure you I AM NOT GIVING UP. Though I was very close. :D *hugs*

@Losing Waist
I took your advice and aimed to maintain :D Yeah fuck those kitkats! I hope I get to that point you have where I am less susceptible to gain during stressful periods.

@antgirl
Very true! Thankyou for your pearls of wisdom. Very much welcomed and appreciated. I think I do have trouble forgiving myself and moving on. I am working on it though.

@Its all about me
thank you for the kind thoughts. Very true. This blog has helped me so much, thanks to awesome people like you giving me sound advice and encouragement.

@Losing Waist
We do have Evans. Its the one I mentioned. It's kinda pricey. Particularly on my student budget :D

@Natasha
Thanks. I am a hanging on :D