Monday, 6 April 2009

musings and maybes

I love my sister dearly but there are some times when all I really want to do is throttle her to death and bury her in the garden. She is definitely the must frustrating person in the world. We went to the movies yesterday (which accounts for my low steppage, a mere 6122). We were hitting the one pm show, I told her to have lunch before she went or she'd be starving and eating at lunch at 3.300ish would upset eating dinner later. She never listens, don't know why I bother. So I had mine, quorn chilli con carni with potato. This guaranteed I was full and wouldn't pig out on crap while we were there and also saves me money. Sweets and crap at the cinema are well expensive.

My sisters stomach growled loudly through out the entire movie. So loud I could hear it about the film, I mean, come on, films aren't quiet. So afterwards shes ravenous and the easiest option to her is to stop at McDonald's. I am immune to McDonald's so it wasn't too bad. Her food smelt horrible and looked terribly greasy so I was even tempted. She kept offering me bites and shoving it in my face saying one bite won't hurt.... I got past that. And then from out of no where she turns and says to me "losing weight isn't going to solve all of your problems. You'll just find new excuses to hide behind." For like thirty seconds I was like 'What?'. She went on to say that I wouldn't be miraculously cured of all my bad hang ups and that I still wouldn't be confident.

I do wear my emotions on my sleeve and was initially hurt by what she said. I don't know why it came to her to say that while she was chomping on fried chicken and were just listening to the radio. I realise losing weight is not a miracle cure to gaining full confidence but I dare say being happier and healthier may boost my confidence just a little. I just wish she would focus on the positive of this journey with me instead of the negative. I don't need to worry about what will happen when I get there I need to focus on the now. She constantly says things like 'I'd rather be fat than eat that' or 'You've been saying you'll be skinny for years'. Even when she says some positive it is immediately followed by something negative. Some times she is hard to be around. But I don't have many friends and really rely upon her company when I am the family place.

My sister isn't skinny or slim. She is over weight. But she really does carry it well and she's really pretty to boot. Her curves are curves, mine are just enormous lumps. She has great dress sense and no matter what she does to her she always looks good. Maybe part of me is jealous that shes fat but looks good and has millions of friends. Its just when I make an effort to look good I end up just looking OK and feel there's no point in doing it. So I don't bother. Perhaps I should make an effort to dress better despite loathing clothes shopping with a burning passion and maybe do my hair more? I feel its wasted though because I don't really go out and no one will see it or care. Maybe it would just make me feel better.

Maybe... Maybe... Maybe.
This is by no means a miserable post or self pity party :D I am full of energy today and am actually happy... it's just a bit of melancholy moment, just needed to air it out so it won't ruin my day.

19 comments:

bbubblyb said...

I'm sorry your sister was so mean to you. I've went through similar things with my sisters. It's hard to be around people that always seem negative. Hopefully you won't let her stop you from your mission. I think doing your hair, etc. will make you feel better. I know for me when I fix myself up I seem to walk taller and have more confidence. Hope you have a good day. 6000+ steps is nothing to sneeze at, way to go.

SeaShore said...

What your sister said says a lot more about her hang ups and insecurities than it does about yours.

She feels guilty about eating junk, so she tries to bait you, that fails, she thinks: hmmm, maybe you are going to succeed at weight loss?, then maybe you'll be smaller than her?, so she lashes out in the mean way that only girls can.

Not saying she did it intentionally, but at least on a subconscious level.

Emily said...

sounds to me like your sister might be a bit jealous of you. I know that you said she looks good, but she may not think so... That would make sense to me - why she is giving you negative comments all the time.
It isn't a nice thing to have to deal with though.

Oh and thanks for the comments about my new look blog.. did you follow the intructions when you tried to change your blog? I thought it was quite easy (copy and paste the code thingy)
I hope you can figure it out. :o)

Dina said...

It sounds like she's insecure that you're doing such a great job losing weight. And she is being a little turd, like sisters love to do.

Ang said...

your sister sounds like my father, and I've learned it's his issues he's projecting on to me. Don't let her remarks slow you down

May said...

I think your sister is worried about you showing her up...like maybe youll "figure it all out" before she does.

Keep rocking it though :) Youre doing great.

Tony said...

It just irritates me when people who are suppose to be your biggest supporters say dumb stuff like that. Your sister seems to be quite immature.

Fat Lazy Guy said...

It was pretty horrible the way your sister said it, and the shoving of food in the face is really not classy. But there is some truth to what she said about losing weight not solving all our problems.

I know a couple people who have lost a fair bit of weight and they all say that the emotional stuff just doesn't go away overnight. And I know it's been the same with me.

But it's like with anything, you work at it. You don't have to wait till you get to your goal weight to work at it either (which is what I did/have been doing).

Maybe next time she says something like that you could ask her for help? That might throw her off a bit, and maybe she'll realise that her saying those things doesn't help.

Either way, you're doing awesome, and you don't have to wait till you're at some arbitrary weight to feel good about yourself or to treat yourself.

Tricia said...

People love to be negative when they see you doing well. Especially people who are used to you being miserable. Hopefully she'll grow up a bit and realize you're not doing this for vanity so there's no reason to make you feel like you're trying to steal her thunder. Ugh, sisters.

Hang in there, you know how awesome you are :)

Wei Sic Meow said...

I agree with some of the other comments. I think your sister is jealous of you rather than the other way around. She can see you are doing well and is feeling threatened by it. It's a common thing in sisters or best friends. Some people don't like change and especially when change means losing their fat friend/sister. Try not to let it get to you. The last laugh is when you reach your goals despite how other people try to sabotage them.

As for making more of an effort on yourself. Yes, it might make you feel better. If you feel insecure or uncomfortable about it then take tiny steps. Maybe go to a really good hairdresser and get a new cut, go shopping and get a couple of nice new things, go to a department store and get a make up session and buy some new products, then get your nails done (which is one of my favourite things in the world), but one at a time as and when you feel good about it. I think you'll find that one small thing leads to another.

Carlos said...

rude! another thing that's rude is mcdonalds charges for ketchup in the uk. five pence a packet... will the injustice ever end!

Aimee said...

i agree with everyone else...some people are just negative when you're doing something positive for yourself. just remember you're doing this for you - and you're the most important person to be doing it for!

i'm with you on mcdonald's...haven't had the stuff in over two months, and really don't miss it!

foolsfitness said...

I feel for you in that someone you really care about doesn't seem to be very supportive of you when you'd really like them to be. Or even to the level of just not being down on you if they can't be positive. I don't think people realize that "weight" of hurt they pile on others.

In the end this weight thing (like most important stuff in life) has got to be something your doing for yourself... not a sister, or a boyfriend, or even because some doctor said you should.

You have value right this moment in time. Even if you gain a pound or ten or loose 50, at your "goal" weight or not... your a wonderful creation of God.

Live life with passion and zeal. Live loving others, even sometimes the difficult ones because they need love the most.

Of course I care about what I weigh too. But I hope more that at my funeral they speak about the weight I had on my heart to try to love others. that scale is the most important. That's the foolsfitness scale I try to weigh on first. PAX-Alan

WonderLori said...

Everyone else had mature, insightful comments. I, personally, would just look at her and say, "neener, neener" when she spouts such nonsense. Then have a delicious salad. And rock that Wii. Feh on less-than-supportive relations!

Allison said...

I agree, it does sound like your sister is insecure and is taking out her insecurities on you...and by trying to foil your weight loss.
Losing weight won't solve all your problems. But it will solve that one problem. And you feel better when you feel healthier, and that shows in all areas of your life.
Keep up the great work, and don't let her bring you down!

~ugly girl with a beautiful heart~ said...

Why is it that the people you love are the ones that can hurt you the most, and usually do?

As for your self confidence, that shouldn't go up with how small your waist gets but every struggling step of the way. It's knowing that you CAN do you and that you WILL do it will make you confident in the end, not the size of your pants.

Hugs to you sweetheart, keep your head up. Next time she says something, call her on it. Don't let her step on you.

antgirl said...

It's hard not to listen when that comes from someone like a sister.

Losing the weight will help. A sense of accomplishment and victory does boost confidence and self esteem. To lose weight, you have to work on other issues along the way and there is a growth process.

As SeaShore says, what people say to you is a projection of their own issues and insecurities. Honest it is. Think about that, it really is true. It helps us develop a thicker skin which promotes a higher regard for ourselves.

Anyway, it all feeds off each other and is interconnected. Sorry I'm slow to the party ... hugs and all. Sometimes the 5 year old response is best, put your hands over your ears, make silly noises and stomp your feet. :)At least picture yourself doing that in your mind. I do.

Its all about me said...

Jealous Jealous Jealous is what your sister is. You need to keep going and not go by what she says. She is making you feel bad because she doesn't want you to achieve and be prettier than her.

You have your own style. Get things and wear things that make you feel happy and when you feel great you shine that out and people get attracted to your confidence.

wildfluffysheep said...

@bbubblyb
:) I got some new earrings and did my hair and I did feel a little better. Thanks for your kinds words :D

@Seashore
Actually I do think she did it a little intentionally mean. Shes like that. I never really thought of it as a reflection of her hang ups, looking on it that does make sense. thanks :D

@Emily
I find it hard to accept that she could be jealous of me... *shrugs* I don't know if thats me just being really self concious though.
Your blog does look great and I am working on mine. I haven't checked that site out yet.... Thanks for the tips.

@Dina
lol. I haven't used the word turd in ages. I think I might actually start calling her that....

@Ang
Don't worry. If anything it makes me strive harder to lose the weight. I don't want her to get the better of me.

@May
Thanks, May.

@Tony
It is irritating. Especially when my parents and everyone else is being super supportive. I do think she is being a lil immature about this which is weird because shes usually so much better than that.

@FLG
I know it won't solve all of my problems. But I know that it will be a step in the right direction and I'll definitely be happier than I am. Even losing this little bit I've lost now I'm feeling good in soooooo many more ways. :D I have tried asking her for help, I don't want to be mean about her but she can pretty selfish. Thanks for the advice :D

@Tricia
Thanks. I could get used to people telling me how awesome I am. Maybe she is just too used to me being miserable and whiny that its weirded her out. hmmm

@wei sic meow
I guess thats true. I thought that me being happier would be a positive change. I did invest in some new earrings and made an effort with my hair and yes, it did make a little difference. Thanks very much for stopping by :D I really appreciate it.

@Carlos
lol. I've never paid for ketchup at mcdonalds ever... where did you go?

@Aimee
Thanks. I *am* doing it for me. Definitely eurgh to mcdonalds.

@foolsfitness
Thankyou. I am definitely not doing it for someone else. ALL me me me! I could deal with her not being supportive but outright negativity is upsetting. I appreciate your words alot.

@WonderLori
lol. I might try that reaction along with Dina's use of the word turd. Girl, I am rocking that wii like no ones business...

@Allison
Thanks, missus. I already feel so much healthier and happier with the little bit I've lost so far. I won't let her bring me down. My chin is firmly up.

@Ugly girl with a beautiful heart
That is a tough question! I CAN and WILL do it :D thanks m'lovely. I won't let her step on me.

@Antgirl
It was hard especially since I have a good heart of glass. I crack at any mean words. Thanks for the hugs. lol. I think I may try that small child response. Kinda sounds fun.

@Its all about me.
Thank you for the kind words, missus :D I don't think I can accept that she would ever be jealous of me but I don't think she likes me succeeding at something for once.