Saturday, 16 May 2009

Official STUPIDITY...

I have a most excellent week. well weight loss wise.
Exam stress to the maximum.
Clean eating... exercise prior to exam lock down.

Weigh in over. CHAOS.

I don't know what registers in my head that says 'phew, its over eat what the fuck what you like.'

Today I did. An entire packet of biscuits. AN ENTIRE PACK. An enormously cheese stacked pizza meant for sharing. Huge pack of crisps too. And absolutely no exercise. None. Sloth mode returns. That was on top of regular meals. 

I am officially stupid. ONE STEP FORWAED. FIVE STEPS BACK.
Sound familiar? I think this is like the fourth post of this kind.
Great loss. Massive binge.
This post is starting to bore me already.

So, yeah. What did I do about? Cry. Like a baby. Pathetic sorry for myself sobs. Got in the bath and read for like four hours. Blocked everything out. Did not want to think about anything. Didn't want to think about the gain that is clearly gonna happen this week 'cause I really can't be bothered to work out enough to even it out. Plus I have another exam tues-thurs. (i have 48 hours to write four thousand words of my best stuff, so thats two days spent in ze library)

I heard the phrase today 'Either crap or get off the pot'.
I feel like it applies to my attitude to losing weight. do or don't. I keep telling myself I really want to lose this weight. I've made lists of reasons why I want to, even need to. I've set goals and targets. I started a blog. But do I? If I really wanted it as bad as I tell people, wouldn't I just get the fuck on with it and lose weight consistantly? If I'm not gonna do it properly is there any point in doing it at all?

You know what happens now? I dissappear for a couple of days. Clean eating. Exercise. Get a great attitude about weightloss. Get back on track. Lose three pounds and end up back at the beginning. I just don't think I can take this cycle much longer.

And yeah I could list all the positives from losing the weight so far. But losing (almost) two stone honestly doesn't feel like a big enough motivator to keep it going. I don't feel like I've lost enough in the time I started this weight loss journey. DOESN'T FEEL SIGNIFICANT.

BAH.

28 comments:

Jack Sh*t, Gettin' Fit said...

I hear a lot about people being so single-mindedly focused on their weigh-in and then letting loose immediately after.

I say concentrate on the good things you're doing; the weigh-ins will take care of themselves.

Hang in there.

Fat Lazy Guy said...

I completely understand how you feel. I've been there numerous times, and it wasn't really till I passed halfway that I felt really good about my weight loss efforts. But there's no such thing as "losing enough" in a certain amount of time. I mean, would you rather be two stone heavier right now?

You've done so well. It doesn't matter if you have a hiccup now and then. There is no 100% perfect way to lose weight.

Just a few days ago you were saying how at ease you felt in your own skin! Try to remember that. That's the most important thing. Forget numbers, that's the true victory.

Tony said...

One day will not screw up your chances of losing weight. Seriously, I think a day off once in a while is actually good for the soul.

antgirl said...

Perhaps you aren't willing to let go of everything yet ... rebelling. What? Think about it and try to come up with a compromise so that you get a *fix* without so much damage.

It's worth it. You're worth it. Perhaps it's exam stress, too.

It takes time. We want everything instantaneously and, unfortunatley, weight loss is not instant. Hang in there. You're going to be OK and you will reach your goals.

jo said...

Nothing in life is easy. My mom used to say shit or get off the pot all the time.

You know what? KEEP plugging away. If you don't, you may just gain and gain and gain. If you keep plugging away, it will click eventually.

There's something to be said for not being perfect. I was perfect for 10 months, never cheated once, and the one time I had a Snickers bar, it did me in. I went food nuts and gained back 72 that I lost plus some.

So just keep plugging away. You are worth it. FORGIVE yourself and move on.

Julie said...

Been there, done that, still struggling.
You will do better keep working at it.
It was only one day, you can redeem yourself.

Best of luck on your exam.

TJ said...

sending hugs to my far away wild- fluffy-sheep friend! I know its not easy, please hang in there. You know how good it feels to see a loss each week! Keep it up!! YOU CAN DO IT!!

Val said...

Down here in Texas we say paint or get off the ladder...same thing.

I've been EXACTLY where you are...so many times. I think I'm starting to realize I'm afraid of success. I'm afraid of who I will be if I'm ever thin...and that's just me. But I think you should try and identify what you are getting from these binges. There has to be some sort of payoff (beyond just the yummy factor) that has you repeating the behaviors.

Anyway that's my two cents. You're fabulous and you'll get through this. We're here for you!!!

CactusFreek said...

Bit you ARE making forward strides! You are changing your habits and attitudes and if you let each binge define you, it will continue to cause you to fall. Yea you binged, yea it might cost you a pound. But ultimatly you are moving forward. It should be about how you feel overall within yourself. Old habits die bloody hard. But new habits are always forming. As an outsider looking in, you are doing positively awesome! And i'm not just blowing smoke up your ass, you really are!

Bonnie said...

I know exactly how you feel. I started this in November of 2007. In 4-5 months I had lost 50 lbs. At some point after that I lost 10 more, but then gained them back. I have been this weight for a year. One year. Another year of my life--still struggling with weight loss and sick that I wasted this time. BUT--I haven't gained it back. I feel better than I did 50 lbs ago. I can exercise more. I don't have any pain from arthritis in my feet. I have been healthier overall. Two stones loss is HUGE! Don't give up. Don't go back. You can do this. One day of not being on program is not the end of the world. When we (ME, ME, ME--I am talking to myself as much as you) decide that stress is not an excuse to stuff ourselves with food or that celebrating some success does not mean eating more--then we will have found the key to losing weight and keeping it off. You can do this.

Fat[free]Me said...

((hugs))

Please don't let it stop you from carrying on - you have been doing so well and it would be a shame to give up now.

I agree, although we feel the two stone, nobody else bleddy well notices, do they?

Seriously, you have a lot to deal with at the moment, with exams and all, a stress binge is nothing to beat yourself up aboud.

Be kind to yourself, get to the gym when you can or have a walk, eat healthily (it is good for the stress anyway) and you will be back on track in no time.

Natasha said...

Darlin' don't throw your hands up and give up now. It was just a binge and everyday that you choose to eat healthy and excercise is a day that you are doing your body good. You are always going to have times when you eat badly or binge. It's what you do about it afterwards that really matters. I know how you feel, I've done it too many times myself and it sucks, but you are doing fabulous and you can do this! If you read through many people's blog's over time, we all have times where we "re post" about our binges and how much we want this. It's the emotional beast that rears it's ugly head and temperarily throughs us of coarse. It really is normal,and it will probably happen yet again in the future, but yesterday's gone, so look ahead and don't worry about what you did, just move forward.

Take care of yourself, and good luck with your exams. (((BIG HUGS))

Learning to be Less said...

You are working on breaking old habits. It does not happen over night. Just keep getting back to it and eventually you will do it less and less until you stop. Don't let all your hard work go. Would you have gotten this far if you didnt really want to lose it? I don't think so. You want this more than your mind is telling you right now.

big_mummy said...

I dont think that you need anyone telling you to stick at it because you know that... its fucking frustrating and you know that i know your pain, have been there so many times before, and i know that the only difference this time is im truly ready- that and i get my shopping by the list and try my damndest not to stray... so no jaffa cakes or doritos even if i know i could just inhale them in one sitting. the main thing is, calories in, calories out- if you splurge just TRY to exercise- i know that must be hard with the study and all but maybe you can think of some way, like the wii fit that you can do for chill out time... anyway dont come punchin me missus

Aimee said...

you win the brownies! let me know where you'd like them sent. :) aimnic@yahoo.com

PS: i'm sending you three boxes...you can choose from mint, cappucino, and chocolate. all 3 flavors? all 3 boxes 1 flavor? your pick! :)

Aimee said...

left the brownies comment before reading the latest post. :( sorry to hear you're struggling. please hang in there - i know you can do it!!!

WonderLori said...

Ah, my dear Sheepy friend. I'm sorry you're struggling. I understand, though. I'm very proud of you. Those exams will pass like lightening and you'll be back on track.

I know what you mean about your loss feeling insignificant. My 38 pounds (two stone and ten, heh heh) doesn't seem like diddly squat. Is, though. So's your's. Email me if'n you want to compare notes and whine about skinny people. Keep up the good work, chica!

Fit Fabulous 40's Flab Free said...

Yes but it is 2 stone less than you had before and it took effort to lose it. You have changed habits and it makes you grow as a person.

Well done for your achievements.

Mary @ A Merry Life said...

One day won't kill ya. Just put it past you and start the next one with your focus back on eating right and getting healthy. And maybe you should think about chunking the scale for a while. Keep all the good habits but throw away your scale so you have no measurement that will create the build up then post binging. If you keep the good eating and exercise you WILL lose weight, whether you have weigh ins or not. And that way you won't have that massive bestrictdogood before the weigh in that leads to the craziness after. You will just kinda let the new good habits float in and settle comfortable into your MINDSET.

And speaking of that, don't let your sneaky mind trick you into thinking what you've done already isn't awesome. Because it is. Keep it up, please, please, please don't quit! Please?

SeaShore said...

If I'm not gonna do it properly is there any point in doing it at all?You're a smart cookie, you know the answer to that.

I used to do the eat-what-I-want after weigh in. Eventually I stopped. Mainly because I have indulgences whenever now (gasp!) Of course that's also why I have weeks where I gain.

However, having not done it properly would I rather be 74 pounds lighter now (which I am) or not? I leave that for you to answer.

Being on plan most of the time works. Having lost (almost) 2 stone, you are living proof of that!

arielcircleofnine said...

Repeating what SeaShore said---being On Plan most of the time works. Just keep going!! You read my blog so you know that I am where you are, and it does feel as if we make progress and then in one fell swoop erase the progress doesnt it? We dont, we just need to KEEP GOING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1

~ugly girl with a beautiful heart~ said...

Okay hon, the weight loss will never feel significant until it's over. I thought when I hit fifty that it'd be huge. There were no freakin trumpets man...it was just me, still fat, but fifty pounds lighter than before. Same with sixty. Now it's pushing seventy and I'm all like...really? I still have the biggest thighs and hips of anyone I know. It just never feels like enough. But...don't give up. It may not seem significant now, but one day...it'll hit you like a ton of bricks. It'll either be a random reflection in glass or a mirror or you'll see your stats and just be like...wow. I did that...ME. And it's worth it.

Fat[free]Me said...

Just dropping by to make sure you are OK and getting back on track now that the exam stress is finally over (well, I hope it is).

I am still watching Biggest Loser UK and quite enjoy it now, despite its annoyingness (is that a word?). Jamie is really pissing me off, I hope he grows some b*lls eventually!

Anyhoo, hope you are doing OK, if not well it is time to get back in the saddle, girl!

ani pesto said...

Totally feel for you. I know what you mean about getting bored with yourself and the endless cycle - I'm so the same.

I do reckon it's two step forwards and only one step back though, that 2 stone might not feel all that significant but it really is and it all adds up and you're doing great.

You've got a lot on your plate right now - exam stress is huuuuge! Sometimes I wonder if I'd let myself sob, feel sorry for myself and cry like a baby *before* the binge, I might just avert it. Could you be the same?

CactusFreek said...

C'mon on. Where ye be?

Fat[free]Me said...

My email addy is: k101g-fatfreeme@yahoo.co.uk

Hope you are having a lovely bank holiday monday (I am at work, er, not working, lol!).

antgirl said...

Poke. Poke. What's up girl?

You can get my e-mail off my profile or meps@bendbroadband.com, if you ever want to talk.

Miss ya! Mary Meps

arielcircleofnine said...

Where oh where can my wild fluffy sheep be, oh where oh where has she gone??
Miss you too!!