Sunday, 1 March 2009

Mini Meltdown... Massive post.

Firstly I want to say blogging is one of the best things I've done to help me lose weight. The support I have got so far is amazing and definitely the best motivational tool I've found. So thank you very much to all those people who cheer me on, give advice and are just simply reading my blog. It means a bloody lot.

I also want to mention my mother. She is amazing. No matter what time I call she always answers and gives me advice or whatever else I need, even if it is one am and all I need to hear is a hello. She is another huge part of my motivation to lose weight because she is such a great form of support. I love her so much and can't tell her enough how amazing she truly is.

This leads me onto my mini-meltdown. Emotionally it was mini... food wise disastrous! After posting about the gym and how it calmed me down but feeling like I should be out having fun with my friends I thought I could go out Saturday. I felt confident that I could have a good time and still eat/drink in moderation. Not sooooo much. My flatmates boyfriend and his two friends came round to our flat for pre-evening drinks. I was a little nervous. I looked nice but still felt fat and ugly. Not that I had a hope in hell with either of his friends. They were nice guys though. But I nervously and very quickly gulped down the wine. Not really monitoring the intake. Not the best start but before I knew it I was laughing and giggling and having a good time. On to the event...

My house mate won the regional miss student competition last year and they keep in touch. So she got invited to this years final. We got in V.I.P stylee which is always cool even if the event is not that highbrow. The venue used to be one of my favourite places to go for drinks before I became I fat recluse. THEN OMG. all down hill from here.... I had a few of those cheap alchopops that are bright blue...the really nasty cheap kind. I blamed those on my financial situation, don't have that much money right now. But couple that with the wine I soon became miserable. I leaned over the balcony and watched all those pretty skinny girls in their short skirts and lack of clothing and felt jealous. That shocked me. I don't want to dress like that ever. Add unhealthy dose of misery here. So I watched more. More. I saw the models on the stage dancing too. That was embarrassing. Yes, they were skinny and models but they couldn't dance to save their lives. I could not watch it any longer. When my flatmates boyfriends friends went to the front of the stage to oogle them I had had enough. I was about to cry and god help if I was going to do it in there. So I left. Got a taxi home feeling completely and utterly rock bottom. I cried for a solid hour.Whole body rocking sobs. My face red and puffy, eyes swollen and was absolutely starving. Nothing in the fridge appealled to me. In an attempt to calm me down I rang my mam. She soon sorted me out. Man, I love her. She reminded me of all the reasons I'm losing weight and how well I am doing and how I could put tonight behind me and not let it spiral out of control. IT DID THE TRICK.

I am trying to blame the alcohol but I can't. The rest of the guys came back and were heading out for pizza. What my mam had just said had gone in one ear and out the other. I was physically hungry and emotionally drained. Pizza seemed like a great option at 2am. So I get to the pizza place and they guys give me the wrong size pizza. I explained that to the guys and they were all friendly and 'I haven't seen you in here in like a year, how are you'. Wow. I wish that had been enough for me to say 'you know what? I don't want the pizza after all' but it wasn't. Because they made a mistake they give me a free pizza. SO I HAD TWO PIZZAS. every one was like wow we'll have some too. I thought yay I won't eat them both. But they already had their own stuff and only had like two slices oAdd Imagef my pizza. After everybody left and went to bed. I ATE TWO ENTIRE PIZZAS. Just writing that makes me want to cry. I feel disgusted with myself. Absolutely appalled.

In the light of Sunday morning I completely regret last night. I can't believe how I let my eating spiral out of control. My stomach is bloated and I have only had four hours sleep. I woke up craving water and have spent the last hour drinking it trying to flush out the nasty alcohol. All I can think about is going to the gym and working it off but today is a no go. I need this essay wrapped up today. I MUST STAY POSITIVE. I don't have to let the pizza have the last word. It is not the end of the world. I am always telling other people to take the rough with the smooth. I have to take my own advice. Made a mistake. Time to move on. Use it as motivation to try harder. I do feel like I have let myself down. Chin up. I will visit the gym later. *nods* *sigh*


Fat Lazy Guy said...

There's no need to feel appalled, no need to lay blame. You're human. Humans make mistakes. You'd forgive a friend if they made a mistake, forgive yourself.

This is a lifetime thing, right? If you're living healthy, a slip up from time to time doesn't mean anything.

I just hope you feel better. Enjoy today! There's no reason not to. :)

SeaShore said...

FLG is right. This is one day, just one. Forgive yourself, drink lots of water, and, as you said, move on. If you step on the scale today, remember the number you see is only temporary! Take care.

Carlos said...

it's just a bump in the road. unfortunately this isn't a straight line kinda thing... you are trying to change your body and your thinking. ups and downs are to be expected.

Tony said...

Agree with FLG here. The more you worry, the less good it's going to do. Give yourself some slack :).

CactusFreek said...

Every morning is a new day. I am reading a book called "The Diet Alternative" by Diane Hampton. And she addresses a lot of the stuff you address. It is a bible based book.As in, she talks about what the bible says about eating [and that's surprisingly a lot!]and how we ate [not what we ate] back in bible times. And it all makes sense. When i picked it up, i thought "Yea just another stinkin weight loss book but i'll give it a go i spose." And it seriously changed my way of thinking within just a few pages! If you get a chance to have a look, please do. you wont regret it :o)

~ugly girl with a beautiful heart~ said...

Aw hon, I wish I could give you the world's biggest hug right now. We've all walked this road that you're teetering on love. I know you don't know me but my e-mail is always open! I've been told I've got a pretty comfy shoulder.

Rebecca said...

Make sure you spend the next few days taking care of yourself. Drink lots of water, hit the gym, blow-dry your hair, moisturise...remember there are other pleasures in life.

One thing I like to do at a time like this is buy a healthy treat. You know, like something I wouldn't normally buy. Like an expensive fruit or something. Strawberries make eveyone feel better. Then I know I will eat them (don't want to waste the money) and I don't feel like it is the same run of the mill crap again!

I hope Monday finds you cheerful again.