I also want to mention my mother. She is amazing. No matter what time I call she always answers and gives me advice or whatever else I need, even if it is one am and all I need to hear is a hello. She is another huge part of my motivation to lose weight because she is such a great form of support. I love her so much and can't tell her enough how amazing she truly is.
This leads me onto my mini-meltdown. Emotionally it was mini... food wise disastrous! After posting about the gym and how it calmed me down but feeling like I should be out having fun with my friends I thought I could go out Saturday. I felt confident that I could have a good time and still eat/drink in moderation. Not sooooo much. My flatmates boyfriend and his two friends came round to our flat for pre-evening drinks. I was a little nervous. I looked nice but still felt fat and ugly. Not that I had a hope in hell with either of his friends. They were nice guys though. But I nervously and very quickly gulped down the wine. Not really monitoring the intake. Not the best start but before I knew it I was laughing and giggling and having a good time. On to the event...
My house mate won the regional miss student competition last year and they keep in touch. So she got invited to this years final. We got in V.I.P stylee which is always cool even if the event is not that highbrow. The venue used to be one of my favourite places to go for drinks before I became I fat recluse. THEN OMG. all down hill from here.... I had a few of those cheap alchopops that are bright blue...the really nasty cheap kind. I blamed those on my financial situation, don't have that much money right now. But couple that with the wine I soon became miserable. I leaned over the balcony and watched all those pretty skinny girls in their short skirts and lack of clothing and felt jealous. That shocked me. I don't want to dress like that ever. Add unhealthy dose of misery here. So I watched more. More. I saw the models on the stage dancing too. That was embarrassing. Yes, they were skinny and models but they couldn't dance to save their lives. I could not watch it any longer. When my flatmates boyfriends friends went to the front of the stage to oogle them I had had enough. I was about to cry and god help if I was going to do it in there. So I left. Got a taxi home feeling completely and utterly rock bottom. I cried for a solid hour.Whole body rocking sobs. My face red and puffy, eyes swollen and was absolutely starving. Nothing in the fridge appealled to me. In an attempt to calm me down I rang my mam. She soon sorted me out. Man, I love her. She reminded me of all the reasons I'm losing weight and how well I am doing and how I could put tonight behind me and not let it spiral out of control. IT DID THE TRICK.
I am trying to blame the alcohol but I can't. The rest of the guys came back and were heading out for pizza. What my mam had just said had gone in one ear and out the other. I was physically hungry and emotionally drained. Pizza seemed like a great option at 2am. So I get to the pizza place and they guys give me the wrong size pizza. I explained that to the guys and they were all friendly and 'I haven't seen you in here in like a year, how are you'. Wow. I wish that had been enough for me to say 'you know what? I don't want the pizza after all' but it wasn't. Because they made a mistake they give me a free pizza. SO I HAD TWO PIZZAS. every one was like wow we'll have some too. I thought yay I won't eat them both. But they already had their own stuff and only had like two slices of my pizza. After everybody left and went to bed. I ATE TWO ENTIRE PIZZAS. Just writing that makes me want to cry. I feel disgusted with myself. Absolutely appalled.
In the light of Sunday morning I completely regret last night. I can't believe how I let my eating spiral out of control. My stomach is bloated and I have only had four hours sleep. I woke up craving water and have spent the last hour drinking it trying to flush out the nasty alcohol. All I can think about is going to the gym and working it off but today is a no go. I need this essay wrapped up today. I MUST STAY POSITIVE. I don't have to let the pizza have the last word. It is not the end of the world. I am always telling other people to take the rough with the smooth. I have to take my own advice. Made a mistake. Time to move on. Use it as motivation to try harder. I do feel like I have let myself down. Chin up. I will visit the gym later. *nods* *sigh*