Friday, 20 March 2009

stupider and stupider.... then not so stupid.

I was such an idiot yesterday. Firstly, I was super miserable about only losing a pound. Secondly, despite an intense hatred for shopping, I went to a clothes shop figuring losing almost twenty pounds oughta to have made me do down a size. Thirdly, I let the last two reduce me to three separate public outbursts of tears.

Lets take numero uno...
I really worked extra hard this week, with my exercise and my eating was faultless. So in that respect I expected a bigger loss than a pound. I guess that is where I went wrong, I should not anticipate how much I am going to lose, just be grateful that I am loosing no matter how little or small. I tried to stay positive and be happy but it wasn't happening. I could not conjure up excitement or any small bit of triumph.

Secondly...
I went to Evans the only shop that caters for fat people. Well for young fat people. I hate clothes shopping at the best of times but I thought it would cheer me because surely with my clothes being loose and stuff, going down a size would be just the affirming nod that might get me out of my funk. Alas no. I was the same size. The weight that has come hasn't come off in the right places. The tops were loose around my boobs and top of back but clung to my stomach and hips like usual. So I figure my because I wear the same clothes all the time they must have just stretched as I got fatter and even though I've lost weight I am now the actual size of those original clothes.

Thirdly... the combination of the both these caused me to break down. I cried right there in the shop. Sobbing like an idiot. Calmed myself down and rang my mother. Broke down again on the phone to her, so much I had to hang up and promise to ring her back. Even in the haze of tears I went and had my post weigh in treat. I ate it all. Even though I was full. I just eat it until my stomach swelled. Which produced more tears. It was not good. I almost went on a doughnut binge (krispy kreme was just around the corner) but managed not to succumb to it. I wanted to just give up and say, that's it I'M FAT. FUCK IT.

Got home and had a bath. Read a little. And spoke to each of my parents. Read the comments that people wrote on my blog. Felt really stupid. The bath helped me relax and not just loosen the knots in my muscles but the knots in my head. My mam and dad were great. They both reminded me how much more energy I had, how this was the happiest they have seen me in a long time and that they were beyond proud of what I was doing. It was so overwhelming and great to hear them say that. Then I read the lovely comments that people posted on my blog and realised many things.

Natasha posted this...
Hello! 
Do you know me? 
If you don't, you should. 
I am ONE POUND OF FAT, and I amthe happiest pound of FAT that you would ever want to meet! Want to know why? 
It's because no one ever wants to lose me! 
After all, I am only ONE POUND OF FAT. Just ONE POUND. 
Everyone wants to lose 3 or 5 or 15pounds, but never ONLY one. 
So, I just stick around and happily keep you. 
Then I am free to add to myself, ever so slyly, so that you never seem to notice... 
That is, until I have grown to 10, 20 or even 30 pounds in weight... 
YES... it is fun being ONLY ONE POUND OF FAT... left to do just as I please.
So, when you weigh in, go ahead... just keep on saying, "Oh I only lost one pound." (As if that is so terrible.) 
For you see, if you do this, you will encourage others to hang around me because they will think that I am not worth losing. 
And I LOVE being around you... your arms, your legs, your chin, your hips, and every other part of you.

HAPPY DAYS! 

After all, I am ONLY ONE POUND OF FAT!!!
~Author Unknown


It made me smile but it also put things into perspective. Yes, I thought I deserved a bigger loss but the fact that I didn't gain is some thing to be proud of. One pound is better than none, I can't begin to imagine how I would now react to a gain. That scared me. If I reacted this badly and it was to loss, what the hell would happen if I gained? It was such an over reaction. In retrospect, I am embarassed about how I behaved yesterday. My life is good and I must remember that I am in it for the long haul and that most importantly its about my health. I am already benefiting in sooooo many ways and yet I always choose to focus on the one negative. I am making it my aim to be more positive. Stop focusing on the scales.

I am really grateful to all who posted yesterday and to my parents for helping me off the bad path before I got lost.

Now I just need to finish my last essay of the year so I can go out and enjoy the sunshine...

13 comments:

arielcircleofnine said...

Just started reading your blog, and found it by accident but I just wanted to say that Ive been feeling the same as youve desribed early in this post for the past several days and allowed the feeling to cause some pretty bad binges and that old "oh well im fat screw it" message to drown out my voice of reason. Im so glad you stopped it early, nipped it in the bud with the bath and some positive reinforcement from your parents and the comments---I love that One Pound of Fat letter, how true!!!
Anyway, hang in there, glad to have found you!!

May said...

Hey girl :) The losses are going to get bigger as you keep going. Its going to take some time but what else have you got?

Gooooooooooooo get yourself "The Abs Diet for Women" book. Its not a fad diet or anything but it WILL help you, some women lose up to 12 pounds of stomach fat in the two weeks.

antgirl said...

Awwww. Don't lose heart Grasshopper. The beginning is tough. We visualize an ending that takes time to acheive and we have so little patience.

You will see the results in time. In your body's own time. All bodies are different - they lose & gain in different places. It frustrates us to no end at times.

I bet it's coming off faster than you put it on. That's something Husband used to say to me that helped. I did not change sizes fast enough to please me at all. Nope. But, it will happen. A year from now you will look back and see your success.

It's hard to see it while in the middle of it sometimes. Whether it shows up in a size or a weigh-in now or two weeks from now, or a month from now, your efforts will be rewarded. I guarantee it. You'll get there. You will.

Allison said...

I remember losing 10 or 20 lbs. and going shopping with the idea that everything will fit so much better now! And, of course, getting frustrated, almost to the point of tears, when I found out that I was wearing pretty much the exact same size as before.
It happens to everyone. And yes, it does really bite. But if you keep going, you'll get there! You'll be able to start wearing smaller clothing! But it just won't happen immediately.
Keep your chin up, girl. You're gonna make it!

Dina said...

Sorry to hear you had such a rough day. It's disappointing when you work so hard, and don't see what you "deserve".

Tony said...

Hey, I understand how you feel, and you are right---don't focus so much on the scale. It's just a number that doesn't really show you the results from all of your hard work.

Remember, it's just a number.

SeaShore said...

Glad you're feeling more optimistic, more positive.

Clothes shopping sucks, it really does. It's the clothes, not you!

That's wonderful that you have such suportive parents.

~ugly girl with a beautiful heart~ said...

You weren't reacting stupidly, just a little overzealous. I didn't start noticing a difference in my clothing sizes until about 40 lbs lost. And I sure carry my weight in beautiful spots....so my waist is like a 16, but my ass and hips are a 20. Right, huh?

Hang in there hon, it's all going to take time for everything to work out the way it should. Keep givin 'er and you'll see the results. You've had such an amazing attitude so far! Keep on smiling :)

Christy said...

Single pounds add up to lots of pounds.. just remember that. You're going to keep doing well, I'm sure of it :) Also, clothes shopping really does suck. I usually shed a few tears everytime I go. I am fortunate enough to have a Torrid close to my house, and they have phenomenal clothes in larger sizes. It's a shame you don't have one near you. I'm not sure how you feel about shopping online, but it's definitely a store worth checking out!

WonderLori said...

Hey, babe. Chin up. It's kind of creepy how parallel both our most recent posts were. I believe in you, little sister. Do a little dance to tell that pound of fat he's not coming back. That'll teach him who's boss!

Fat Lazy Guy said...

I'm glad to hear you're feeling better now :)

These things happen sometimes, and all you can do is move on and learn from it, and it sounds like you're doing that, so good for you :)

Its all about me said...

I find that sometimes when I work really hard that I gain and the next week it catches up with me and OMG I have lost a heap. Please make sure you keep that in mind aye.

Keep up your good work ok. As you can tell by all these comments that you are an inspiration and people wouldn't be reading if they didn't think that.

Chin up.

wildfluffysheep said...

@arielcircleofnine
thank you for stopping by :D Much appreciated. Chin up, missus! If I can do it, you can do it. It really is about thinking positive. It's my mantra!

@May
I definitely hope so. All the time in the world. I really must try to remember to check that book out!

@antgirl
true about the patience thing. *nods* i just have to remember it will take time. I say it enough but I don't think I take it in! Thank you for your huge scoops of positiveness. They really cheer me on.

@Alison
thanks for telling your story too. Sometimes I feel like I am the only one in the world going through this! you're right I AM GONNA MAKE IT. eventually.

@Dina
thanks. I just have to stop expecting certain amounts and accept the results.

@Tony
*nods* repeats... just a number!

@Seashore
It really does suck. I definitely won't be going shopping until my clothes practically drop of me.

@ugly girl with a beautiful heart
yep. my fat clings to my thighs and my middle. the opposite ends of me are well smaller in comparison. Thanks for keeping me positive!

@Christy
yep. they sure all add up. I don't mind shopping online but it just annoys me to pay for the postage on returns. gargh. thanks for the kind words.

@WonderLori
Good idea.*does a little dance* Thanks for the encouragement, I really appreciate it. I know about the posts... eep.

@FatLazyGuy
Yesh. Moving on my friend.

@Its all about me
thankyou :D you are very wise missus!