Wednesday, 15 April 2009

stupidity...

Why do I do it when I know better?

I have no really satisfying explanation or reason as to why I went off the deep end in the food department this week. I wasn't miserable or depressed. I just really couldn't be bothered. And that really annoys me. I feel so stupid. I keep telling myself how easy it is to spot the mistakes and the signs that lead us astray. I read other peoples blogs and learn a lot. How to do it, what works and what doesn't and I think with all this help and knowledge why isn't it so fucking easy?

Emotions. Just can't control them. I still can't believe that I didn't have any will power this week. I feel like it deserted me. Not once did I utter the word no. Just more. More. Please more. I felt like a junkie. Read this post by Ang. It really explains alot. I really enjoyed eating all the crap and not worrying about it. In those moments of stuffing my face I didn't care or even think of the consequences. Now, in the cold hard reality of my flat, by myself I realise how much I regret letting this week go to shit. I haven't even read any blogs. I didn't want to feel guilty. I knew what I was doing and just thought so what? So fucking what.

That great feeling of losing four pounds couldn't keep me grounded. Didn't make me want to keep going, didn't fuel my encouragement of the good I've done for far. At least I am not making excuses. I know it was me, not the situation, not other people, just greedy fat lazy ol' me. What I did feel about this week is ugly and ashamed. I was this close to giving up this week, for good. Just not caring seemed so simple and effortless, too easy.

Today I am back on track so far as food goes. I'm good with the water. I'm back in love with my pedometer. I'm not keeping my food post weigh in treat, I need to think of a better and more fullfilling reward.  I am not looking forward to weighing in tomorrow. But I just have to accept it and move on. This isn't the end. I need to do this for so many reasons. Giving up now isn't an option.

Thank you so much to all the people who encouraged me on my last post. I just read those comments and they mean alot. I know I couldn't do this with out you lot. Cue corny music.

13 comments:

TJ said...

yeeaa! So glad your back in action! :)
:)tj

Tricia said...

We all have slip-ups. I've currently been sliding for over a week. I don't know why we do it. We have every reason not to, but it keeps happening. All we can do is get back up, friend. <3

Dina said...

haha at Tricia's heart

but, glad to hear you're back!

Aimee said...

i'm proud of you for picking yourself back up and moving on. that's all you can do!!! :)

sidenote: is it just me or does it seem like almost everyone had a tough week last week???

Fat[free]Me said...

Yayyy! Well done - so glad to see you back on track!

Ang said...

Sweety,
If you go back in my blog..I was down 15 lbs or close to it for the month of January alone..after my grandfather died Feb 4..I quit in so many ways..Emotionally, physically, spiritually, individually..My girlfriends (who I've met in person through Richards Clubhouse) gave me an intervention call. Then I had to promise to write to Richard..I felt like a fraud..Here he was putting my picture up on World Wide TV and I was no longer at the 90 lb lost marker but 86 lbs. He said something to me that made me think back..All during the time I cared for my grandfather (he had alzheimers before his death) he called me fat and lazy..(Not him the alzheimers) and I would cry and scream and throw my tantrums in the privacy of my bathroom..2 days before he passed he looked at me and my real grandpa came out and said I can see you are really trying and losing weight and I'm so happy..Richard reminded me of that. Grandpa wouldn't want me to go backwards, look at all my hard work..If it wasn't for this weightloss journey last year I wouldn't have discovered the pollyp cancer I had.

What am I trying to say?

DON'T EVER GIVE UP ON YOURSELF..

I know this food is a hard drug to fight..But you are sooooo worth it to yourself and to so many around you, who assume you know that but forget you sometimes need those re-affirmations.

Please keep fighting the fight..One hour, one bite at a time..You can do this..If you can't believe in yourself right now..then do this because I believe in you..You can do this!

Natasha said...

One bad week, doesn't wash out all the good ones! Glad to see your not giving up and am joining you on being back on track. I've been struggling too!

Cheers to a good week ahead of us!

antgirl said...

It's a bump. A mere bump. Guilt will get you nowhere fast. Drop that as quick as a bag of chips. Learn from it, but don't let it eat at you and erode you. Something turned you back. Turn away from the DARK SIDE, it said, and you listened. Concentrate on that and not the negative. :)

I'm so glad you're back. You're going to be all right. Sure, the old ways are easier. You know them better. You don't have to think too hard about it.

Keep your eye on what's ahead of you. There's so much fantastic life and opportunity.

How about getting yourself some fresh flowers or new earrings or a new cd or something as a post weigh in treat? A pedicure or manicure? Lip gloss?

I get myself fresh flowers and I have acquired a huge selection of lipstick and lip gloss. I don't own every color of every brand yet .. but I'm working on it. LOL

Ang said...

I've been thinking about post weigh in treats for you..how about a nail polish color, a manicure, a pedicure, a massage, a new hairbrush, new body wash from a new store, new candle that smells like chocolate or another favorite scent. Something small, and work it up to a big reward to a big number. Okay back to my corner..lol

~ugly girl with a beautiful heart~ said...

Glad to hear you're back!

What I do for WI rewards is grab myself a new book, CD, workout vid. The rewards get bigger the higher the accomplishment...hit a decade get a new outfit, etc.

Keep it NON FOOD related, it'll make you feel so much better!

jo said...

You know what? I see something you and I have in common: We are both really hard on ourselves.

(((hugs)))

I don't know how old you are, but I can tell you're younger than I am by your picture. I wish I would have been learning when I was your age. Instead I was eating, puffing up, not caring. You're so much further ahead than I was.

Go, go, go! You can do it!

Its all about me said...

I am also glad you haven't given up because I really treasure the comments I get from you and I treasure your blog.

You can do this!

wildfluffysheep said...

@TJ
me too!

@Tricia
True dat. Thanks for the heart :D cute.

@Dina
I am glad too lol

@Aimee
Thanks. Thats so true, it is all I can do. No, I noticed that. Bad weeks must be catching.

@fatfreeme
Thanks. Me too *high five*

@Ang
Thankyou so very much for sharing your story with me. I appreciate it beyond any words I can write. *hugs* You really do inspire me and I am so glad to have found your blog. Thanks again for the motivational top up.

@Natasha
That is true I have to remember that. One bad week would be the end for me in the past. So I know I have moved on a little from those times. Yay to us being back on track.

@antgirl
*nods* a mere bump. I still find it hard to shed the guilt quickly...I like to wallow in it for some stupid reason. I'm glad I'm back too. Thanks for all your wise words missus. The earring thing totally helped me.

@Ang
That made so much sense. I did it and couldn't believe how much those simple things made such a huge difference.

@ugly girl with a beautiful heart
Definitely good idea. I think I am going to do that. The food reward wasn't really working.

@jo
*hugs* I am 21 :) Thanks for the support missus. I really appreciate it.

@ its all about me
Thank you for your sweet words. They really made me smile. I'm glad I haven't given up either. I love reading blog.