Why do I do it when I know better?
I have no really satisfying explanation or reason as to why I went off the deep end in the food department this week. I wasn't miserable or depressed. I just really couldn't be bothered. And that really annoys me. I feel so stupid. I keep telling myself how easy it is to spot the mistakes and the signs that lead us astray. I read other peoples blogs and learn a lot. How to do it, what works and what doesn't and I think with all this help and knowledge why isn't it so fucking easy?
Emotions. Just can't control them. I still can't believe that I didn't have any will power this week. I feel like it deserted me. Not once did I utter the word no. Just more. More. Please more. I felt like a junkie. Read this post by Ang. It really explains alot. I really enjoyed eating all the crap and not worrying about it. In those moments of stuffing my face I didn't care or even think of the consequences. Now, in the cold hard reality of my flat, by myself I realise how much I regret letting this week go to shit. I haven't even read any blogs. I didn't want to feel guilty. I knew what I was doing and just thought so what? So fucking what.
That great feeling of losing four pounds couldn't keep me grounded. Didn't make me want to keep going, didn't fuel my encouragement of the good I've done for far. At least I am not making excuses. I know it was me, not the situation, not other people, just greedy fat lazy ol' me. What I did feel about this week is ugly and ashamed. I was this close to giving up this week, for good. Just not caring seemed so simple and effortless, too easy.
Today I am back on track so far as food goes. I'm good with the water. I'm back in love with my pedometer. I'm not keeping my food post weigh in treat, I need to think of a better and more fullfilling reward. I am not looking forward to weighing in tomorrow. But I just have to accept it and move on. This isn't the end. I need to do this for so many reasons. Giving up now isn't an option.
Thank you so much to all the people who encouraged me on my last post. I just read those comments and they mean alot. I know I couldn't do this with out you lot. Cue corny music.