Monday, 4 May 2009

And it's Monday...

OK....It's Monday... and I've managed to drag myself out of the funk. Well a little. Food wise, bang on. Water, good. Exercise, moderate. Attitude? Stupid. No motivation arrived. Still lacking energy or focus to do anything but mooch on my couch with yet another book. And I have a massive stomach ache.

Yesterday  = disaster.

Didn't make it to the shops. So no food. Ordered in Chinese food, TWO portions of satay chicken (one is like enough for 2 people) and a huge bag of chips (french fries) despite the voice in my head screaming " DON'T DO IT, DEFROST SOME CHILI" So I ate it. Even though I wasn't really hungry for it, even when I was full I just kept munching. Munch. Munch. Munch.

That wasn't all... oooohhhh nooo.  One of those giant share size bags of maltesers, a 1.5 litre bottle of coke to wash it all down with and an enormous bag of sensation Tai sweet chili crisps.

Add that to the fact I've spent the last four days in sloth mode. Barely left the flat. Once to play cricket (which was actually fun)... and this morning to try and go to the gym. (it was closed, I forgot today's a stupid Bank Holiday) Moped around. Little or no movement. Read like four books.

Right now I just feel stupid. Very stupid. Yes, I felt super lonely and miserable but why do I resort to eating crap? WHY? When I'm doing it there's always a voice screaming no. AND I MEAN SCREAMING. but no. I block it out and just do it. Even in the moment the food doesn't make me feel better and I know afterwards my stomach aches and I feel like shit. I KNOW I will worry about what I ate and then stress over it. It never ends well yet I still bloody do it. I have come to the conclusion that I must be stupid.... or really slow. Why else would I keep doing it? I am seriously sick of not losing weight consistently. And frickin' sick of whining about it when I don't. No one else can sort it out. What's whinging about it gonna do? NOTHING.

I NEED TO JUST DO IT.
DO IT.

15 comments:

Emily said...

I feel your pain.. I am the exact same. It is very frustrating. You are either on the weight loss wagon or you are off it - there is not real in between. :o(

Lets hope that today will be a better day than yesterday - that is all we can ask for. :o)
Hope the motiation arrives soon!!
:o)

foolsfitness said...

I'm trying to look at it as just one good choice, and be happy in it and then another.

Boy last week was ruff. It looks as I'm on track to tommorows weight check to gain, RATS!!!

I guess I've got to see this as something I'm realistically going to have to fight until I die. I scarfed down 2/3 a pizza tonight but got in a little soccer ball kicking at the park. Hey, I can be down (an I am) about eating poorly, or happy that I left the third of the pizza and go out and did something.

Your my modivation, and even though I don't know you in person I hope you don't feel totally alone. We and many others are in this strange trip together.

I could say cute saying like "it's not how many times you fall down but how many times you get up" but it's in reality just plain hard. It's a fight for our lives.

You have modivation, you're aware, your posting, and thinking about trying to do more healthy things... I just keep asking myself, "o.k. what will I do right now."

I dare you (I hope this helps):

1) to leave just one single bite of food behind on what ever the next thing you eat is. Just one step.

2) get up after reading this and do just 10 crunches on the floor of your flat. See what's really in you, and remember... no remind yourself how bad you want it.

After this post I'm going to do my crunches. Sure it's silly, but it's just a reminder that I am worth it. You are too!

See, you're modivating me too! Now I have to show what I have in me too.

Daring to be silly is just the foolsfitness way!- Alan

~ugly girl with a beautiful heart~ said...

What I've learned, and finally acknowledged, is that I'm an emotional eater. Sounds like you are too. It's beyond the whole boredom thing. When we're feeling down (with or without reason), unmotivated, bored, excited, whatever really...we eat. Don't know why, just do.

The best thing to do at times like these is just allow yourself a bit of a fall, then pick yourself back up and keep going. We can't all be perfect and have pristine weight loss records. If we did...hon there wouldn't be an overweight person in this world. It's searching for, striving for, and finding the motivation and determination to get up and keep going that matters. But sometimes...just let yourself fall. It really does help...sometimes.

Ang said...

you can do this. one baby step at a time.

antgirl said...

Sounds like you're subbing food for other needs. You're hardly alone with that.

Begin looking for something else to fill that need that is more satisfying.

Like other have said, one step at a time. Don't try to be perfect when these things come around, you'll probably protest all the more. Try to do better. Just better.

I conquer one bad habit at a time. All or nothing never worked for me. Half assed worked better than that. :)

Val said...

Girl I'm with ya...I had a suck ass weekend myself. BUT, like that foolishly awesome Alan said, it's a new week, and it can be whatever we want it to be. I'm rooting for you!!!

Fit Fabulous Forties Flab Free said...

You can do this. You have to want to do this. Do you want to do this? If so take the steps to do it. As they say "nothing NOTHING tastes as good as skinny feels"

CactusFreek said...

Sometimes "whining" about it can help. Try reading out loud what you've written. Feeling it is one thing, but seeing it and hearing it from your other senses might kick start something in you.

Playing cricket during a funk? I'm very impressed!!!

Fat[free]Me said...

I must admit to feeling the same as you most weekends too. Although I have a BF, he lives too far away for us to get together every w/e (finances and work), so I often feel everyone else is paired up and having proper weekends while I am all on my own. Add to that a bank holiday and it is hard being single. On top of that you have your exam stress - it is a lot to cope with.

At those times, food is a great comfort. Drats to your gym for not being open, that would have saved your pants, I am sure!

It is great that you posted here about your feelings as it helps you to find out your danger zones and prepare for them in the future.

I hope today is a better day for you and that you can move on to much healthier eating!

Hugs x

PS: caught up to Thurs BL and now have to catch up with the more recent episodes - am enjoying it though!

big_mummy said...

as much as you are beating yourself up, sometimes it can help to have a blow out and kick yourself for it after. its just important to draw a line under it and move on.

Natasha said...

Binging happens to the best of us, throughout this entire journey. It makes us all feel miserable and out of control. I know it's easier said then done, but just start your next day fresh. Make yourself have a healthy breakfast and go for a little walk. It WILL make you feel like it's a start. One really bad day or week of eating does not erase all the other days/weeks/months that you made the effort, and ate healthy or worked out. I understand exactly what you are going through....I lost 30lbs and now I'm back losing the same 30 again....don't make my mistake. Pick up that purdy little head of yours and look forward.

****BIG HUG****

P.S. Try writing down all your reasons you want to lose weight and be healthy. Every one you can think of. Sometimes that will help to make you realize that food isn't worth your misery. It works for me =)

Carlos said...

i must be stupid too... or maybe its hard and we are both, all humans.

arielcircleofnine said...

emotional eater here as well....and I had a shitty week too, in fact Im still in the midst of it. Not sure when it began but I'll call it a week LOL. Just ate pizza, pasta with cheese, and cookies. I didnt really enjoy it, tummy hurts, etc etc etc---so you know what, lets just chalk it up to "thats life". We know what to do, and we'll do it!! Certainly do NOT feel alone, all of us struggle with the same issues. I think we are one step ahead because now we SEE ourselves doing it; we are aware. I cannot even tell you the years and years I shoveled it in, swallowed whatever was bugging me down in the form of food and was TOTALLY oblivious. Hang in there, we are all cheering you on!!!

jo said...

I have awarded you a Super Blogger Award.

Fat Lazy Guy said...

Usually when you know what you're doing but you do it anyway, it's because you're trying to mask something, something you don't want to deal with, or that you feel you can't quite deal with yet.

That's what my thing was, at least. Maybe it's fear, maybe it's depression.

Just know you're not stupid.