foodgasms and disgust....

Missouri 60

First up this is me in my local footie shirt :D Lumps and bumps galore. Needed a one that was hideous, might motivate me more but also needed something tight so I could see the difference. This is my picture for the Missouri 60 challenge. A little bit later than every one else but y'know.... better late than never. I guess everyone knows what is by now but if you don't head over to this blog and all will be explained.....

Also, still loving the calorie counting thing. Anyhoo last night I hade cajun chicken, onion rings and sweet potato mash. Whilst talking to a fellow blogger (check her out at this blog, if you already havent) and she advised me to put a dash of mustard in the mash. VOILA. FOOD GASM. Seriously best advice I've been given in ages. M.MMMMMM delicious. I cannot talk about it enough. Also Sarah, inspired me to get up and get my arse out on a walk and I did right there and then. It was only a small walk because it was foggy but me and the dog really enjoyed it.

So yeah, things are postive right now. :D

the new weigh in day

It has been 5 days now since I started the calorie counting approach. I must say I frickin' love it. And not just because I lost 4 pounds! The freedom I now feel I have is amazing. Yes, I am still counting numbers but it gives me way more range than the diet plan I was previously following. I did have some doubts... I felt like I was eating too much. But my mam did mention that she thought I wasn't eating enough because the diet was too restricting, I rubbished that with a 'surely an eating less approach should work more?' *fingers crossed* its not just a big loss because it is something new. I always lose big the first week...

Current weight: 19 stones 8 pounds (274 lbs)
Previous weight: 19 stones 12 pounds (278lbs)
Highest weight: 21 stones 3 pounds (297 lbs)
Weight loss this week: 4 pounds
Total weight lost: 1 stone 9 pounds (23 lbs)

I feel happier because I am 3 pounds away from being at my lowest on this journey so far. It takes me back to being a stone and a half lighter. And though I have stopped feeling it in my clothes the numbers are moving. Also I have a little mini trip to Ireland planned in August. Five weeks and counting... this is giving me a little goal. I'm aiming to lose 10 pounds by then, a 2lb a week loss. I think this is a realistic target and one that would make that trip a little bit better. I need to just get back into losing consistently, the last couple of weeks have been 1 step forward and 2 steps back. I entered my losses in the side bar last night and for a while I did lose consistently then the exams happened but that is now in the past. 'Cause I did PASS those exams!

I AM BACK ON TRACK.

A small triumph...

Yesterday I impressed myself.

Last night, because my Dad was coming home late from a cricket match my parents decided to go to my favourite Chinese take out place. I SAID NO. That's right I said no. Even though every part of me wanted to scream GIVE ME THAT FRICKIN' CHINESEY GOODNESS NOW. It seriously is the best Chinese food ever. *sigh* Not only did I say no, I had some delicious spicy Italian sausage with wholewheat pasta, at the right time for dinner, not late like them but whilst they were scoffing down the Chinese delish-oh-rama I did my sports active workout.

OH YEAH. Not just any workout either. One I created myself aaaaaaaaaaaaand it was for an entire 40 mins with a total potential 420 calorie burning percentage. See that chinesey goodness? I DON'T NEED YOU. YEAH.

Annnnnnd... that's right people... I was up early (7am.... which is ridiculously early for me) and since it was my rest day on sports active got 30 minutes on the wii fit.... 77 days since I was like last on there but still... its a frickin' Sunday.

So yeah. I AM STEPPIN' IT UP.

(pun intended)

reflections... and an addiction!

Yesterday, I was thinking about my own weight loss journey and how far I've come; (and sometimes gone back) this is the longest I have committed to doing it. Six months and counting... I still think after this amount of time I probably could have lost a lot more. But you know life intervenes and its not just an easy simple journey or else we'd all be frickin' skinny. And our blogs would must definitely be dull.

So what's different for me this time round? Several things. My attitude for one. Although its never 100 percent right there on the w.loss front it is a 100 times improved from the last time I attempted to lose weight a couple of years ago. My commitment. Again not the best but definitely improved. The last time I did it I quit after one gain. One gain. Stupid... Now I am learning to over come and accept gains, not always quickly or easily but accept them and just move on. Acceptance that this journey is LONG and there are no real quick fixes, that I have to actually deal with all the emotional crap that comes with it too.

This time I feel like I actually want it. Well at least a considerable amount more then before. Even when I am miserable and am mid binge I realise I DON'T WANT TO BE FAT. Sometimes I lose sight of such things which leads to me the biggest help/improvement for this journey...

Blogging. I know this probably sounds over dramatic and very soppy but I could not have started this with out my blog, without reading others experiences, by making good friends with people that actually know what its like and having their sound advice to help me along the way. Just posting whats on my mind has helped me an incredible amount. But finding inspirational and motivational people has been my saviour. Some of you will NEVER be rid of me so, y'know, hold on to your hats... So thank you to all who have been around since my journey started and an even bigger thanks to those who reached out to me when I was rock bottom and apologies to those who I plague daily!

On a diet note...It's only the third day on the calorie counting malarkey and I feel so free. Loving it. However, the scale addict in me did climb aboard this morning. Everyone was in bed so I sneakily did it. My Mam has been very vigilant about my scale habits but I think she may have to finally hide it. I can't just give up checking my numbers... so it looks like cold turkey is my only option. Just so you know it has me down two pounds...

over and out.

Changes!

Okay its a new day. And new things are happening.

I am shaking up my diet starting yesterday. I was doing slimming world thingy, don't know if you guys know much about it. But I lost two stone on it before. However, I have become bored with it. I am eating the same thing every week. Having only 15 syns, yes, they're called syns and cutting out a lot of food I actually enjoy, this particular diet is done for me. I feel like I am cutting out foods that I could eat with in reason and when I'm not eating them I am splurging out on dangerous fatty food sarnies. When in reality I could still have them, not cooked in fat or as many and not without having to forfeit other foods to have it. I am moving on. I feel like its too restrictive and in reality have stopped adhering strictly to its rules because I think I know them inside and out. On closer inspection I have been cutting tooooooo many corners. That has to stop.

Plus my subsciption runs out sun and its gonna save me alot of money....

Another thing that I am trying to stop is weighing in everyday. I check those frickin' scales like nobodies business. And it is counter productive. I know weight fluctuates daily. I get on in my clothes, naked, we have three different types of scale, I try each of them. I move the scales round the floor. In short I am obsessed with the scale. But as you can see my snazzy bathroom sign that is no longer going to be a problem. I can't give up the scale completely. I like knowing my numbers. Once a week should be enough. Also I am changing weigh in to a Monday. Thursday is a sucky day to weigh in. The results always affect my weekend and it is usually in a negative way so I am trying the beginning of my week instead. We will see how it goes.

ok... So what am I doing instead? No not weight watchers or anything else points related. For now I am done with points/syns. I am simply calorie counting. Going for the good old calorie deficit effort. I avoided doing this before because it seems like so much effort but a fellow blogger introduced me to her program and so far I quite like it. I just hope it works. If it doesn't then I'll try something else. But I figure theres only really me who can sabotage these numbers so I will just try hard.

My sister moved home yesterday. So not only do I not have a bedroom I am sharing the airbed in the lounge with her. She is not a gentle sleeper. She tosses and turns like a tornado. And she flails. Already I can feel my body tense and nervous. She aslo doesn't go to bed before midnight which is sucky. I go between 11/12 and get up at nine. She does between 2-3 and doesn't surface til after lunch time. Her influence here after one day is tough and I feel the stress starting to build. *deep breath*

I CAN LOSE WEIGHT EVEN WITH MY SISTER HERE. She in the past has been quite negative about my losing weight so I am just going to have to suck it up. I do tend to wear my emotions on my sleeve so....

*BIG NEWS* I passed all of my exams! Wooot. I am going into final year after all. PHEW. Also it puts the regain into perspective. I would rather of gained during that time and passed than failed my exams because I was too obsessed trying to lose weight. So I am starting to accept that re-gain a little easier and trying not to dwell on it.

(I am a little tired though. I stayed up til 3am channel hopping soaking every last drop of news on Michael Jackson. Despite fighting with my sister y.day we kinda bonded over his death.)

the dreaded weigh in...

Grrr. I stayed the same. No gain no loss. Pfft.

I am really mad at myself this week. I managed to get to a pound loss despite eating the fish and chips, midweek. Then *poof* stupid sausage sandwich. Stupid ability to say yes to frickin' every suggestion of delicious looking food. My none existant will power.

Today I feel super tired. Drained, even. I have worked out everyday. Eaten clean besides the two slip ups and I figured I could pull off a small loss. I'm angry because also I don't my own room and I wanted a lie in today because I feel so fuckin' tired. BUT NO.

So now I'm just grumpy/angry. Best to be avoided today, people. Hence this short post.

Over and out.

the day before judegement day...

I've been feeling guilty about eating the fish and chips at the weekend and spent over an hour everyday working out trying to get rid of it before it becomes a gain. A gain on a re-gain would be so baaaaaaaaad. I think it would make me cry. But I have seen some awesome attitudes this week so if I do gain I just have to as Fatty McButter Pants said "suck it up and move on".

However you think this guilt would spur on clean eating or push me into achieving a loss. Alas no. Today, thats right people, one day before weigh in I have an enormous sausage sandwich cooked in fat. That was like 3am this morning too. Sooooooooooooooooooooo not good. I haven't used fat to cook in (unless I've eaten out) since January. I cut out bread from my diet altogether. With the fat and the bread and the real good sausage my body doesn't know whats happening so in grand celebration of that my face has broken out in spots. That's right my face looks like a new mountain range.

In the moment of the sausagey goodness I didn't feel bad, now in the looming shadow of the weigh in I feel bad and weak. And annoyed. And stupid. You'd think I would learn but nooooo. That would be sensible.

Still, to quote a friend 'One sammich does not a failure make.'

So I am off to drink as much water as humanly possible to flush it out and exercise like something that exercises extremely intensely!!

on the positive....

Was feeling a little bit crap last night but have managed to shake it off today. (only because the scale says I'm down a pound) no its not weigh in just a sneaky check up.

Lovely lovely Amber tagged me in this. And she got it from Carlos but I originally saw it first on Tony's blog. So its clearly doing the rounds. And not one to miss out....

However as its so popular and I don't really do these. I am not tagging anyone! THATS RIGHT. Blatant disregard for rules.

What is your current obsession?

To burn off that huge portion of fish and chips! *obsessed* but also thanks to Carlos, I am obssessed with true blood. I can't get enough of that vampire sexiness!

What are you wearing today?

Currently (since its only 10 am) my favourite mismatched pjs! All about the pink...

What’s for dinner?

Tonight I'm having some awesome wholewheat pasta with smoked bacon and spicy Italian sauce. *DROOL* It's so far away....

What’s the last thing you bought?

I bought six books. Of which I've read four. Oh yeah. I'm on it.

What are you listening to right now?

BBC Radio 1. Good ol' Jo Whiley!

Which language do you want to learn?

Spanish so I can go to Spain and charm all the fit boys there in to joining my sex cult.

And German jsut because it sounds so authorative.

What do you love most about where you currently live?

I love Durham City 'cause its beautiful and has THE MOST BEAUTIFUL cathedral in Europe. Bill Bryson says so!

What is your favourite colour?

Blue. today. maybe.

What is your favorite piece of clothing in your own wardrobe?

My huge grey hoody. It covers all the lumps and bumps. Keeps me warm and is my best friend when I'm ill or moody or bitchy. Good for blotting out the world.

Describe your personal style?

Style? Style? I have none. I wear whatevers clean and if I like it, ITS COOL! yes...

If you had $300 now, what would you spend it on?

Well I wouldn't convert it to pounds because its shit rates thats for sure. So I'd save it for my next trip America.

What are you going to do after this?

I am going to get up off my fat arse and do my 40 minute workout on sports active!

Your favourite smell?

Bacon frying in the pan. Accompanied by the symphony of smells that is of baked beans, fried bread, cumberland sausages, mushrooms and hash browns. I miss that smell. *sigh*

Do you collect anything?

Um.. things in the shape of sheep. *nods* thats right I AM COOL.

What makes you follow a blog?

Me? I'll just follow anything. I'm like a sheep. Hence this questionnaire thingy.

Attitude. Definitely people with awesome attitudes.

Do you like to comment on blogs or just lurk?

I tend not to lurk. I am commenter definitely. Even when I don't have anything of interest to say I will say something.

What’s one thing you dream of doing?

Not worrying about money.

What is your biggest regret?

Repeating my first year of university. That was just embarrassing.

What is your favourite thing to do on a rainy day?

Lie in bed allllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll day. With several books. My pjs and some real healthy snacks ;)

Do you have a tattoo?

Just one. Top my spine, just below my neck. An egyptian heiroglyph, the pharaohs eye/ eye of Ra. Needs re inking. It faded so bad.

What are your favourite books?

oh man. I am a book addict. Serisously this would take me an hour to do proper. I am so nerdy

christoper moore's lamb: The Gospel According to Biff, Christ's Childhood Pal

Christopher Paolini: Eragon

Roald Dahl: Danny the champion of the world

Are you left handed, right handed, ambidextrous, or a little of both?

Right handed but I practice writing with my left. Just to surprise people when I can switch!

Off to work out and stuff...

Big Daddy...

ok. ok. I didn't succumb to the chinese blow out buuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuut I did totally forget it was Father's day today which meant going out for lunch. And this big whopper was what we had.

We British do like to be beside the sea. And since it was quite warm today thats what Dad wanted. So off went up the coast to THE BEST PROPER BRITISH FISH AND CHIP PLACE EVER. Oh yes.

This size fish is the medium. THE MEDIUM. Don't worry I did not eat the entire thing. Just under half. And I left most of those chips! I got half way to the fish and I would have vomited if I eaten any more. Seriously delicious but too frickin' much. The place is so popular we had to wait two hours to get a table and so didn't eat til around 2.30pm.

It is now almost 9pm and I am not even a teeny weeny bit hungry. This is all I've eaten today. lol @ 'all'. It was quite a lot. But the batter was heavenly and the fresh is caught fresh every day!!!! In trying to balance it out I've been drinking water like it's no body's business. (and its working, already flushing my system out) and I did both my sports active 30 day workout and a 40 minute work out one on there too. I stink. I really do lol.

Tomorrow the gym and an appointment with the nurse...

a slump

It's happened. Big loss this week.

Today a slump.

I'm tired. Bloated. Grumpy. Incapable of doing any thing that involves moving from my couch. I am surprised I even got up to post this shitty post.

Most of all I am craving a chinese food blow out. The intensity of this is almost overwhelming. It is now all I can think about.

*sigh*

the pub and other stuff...

ok. So I lost six pounds. I always get deliriously happy and way too relaxed and immediately un-do the hard work. Not this time. Since I was working off a re-gain I was super careful.

The damage.

One bottle of grolsch

One pint of cider (can't go to a poetry slam and not have a cider)

One packet of salt and vinegar crisps.

I think that's pretty limited to say the least. No fatty food. No chips. No seven pints! Controlled. The crisps were a bit annoying because I had to have dinner at like 5pm because I had to leave early to get alll the way up to Newcastle so I was feeling a lil snacky towards the end of the evening.

On the way there some drunk guys approached me on the way to the metro. Putting their arms round me and snickering and saying things like wide load. I shrugged them away and firmly told them to fuck off. God I hate that. Didn't let it ruin the evening though. The same drunks held the train up 20 minutes because we had to wait for the police to escort them off. Quite annoying. However turning up late left me with out a seat and I had to sit next to this really HOT STUFF poet. Infact you can check him out... Ross Sutherland This picture doesn't do him justice and omg his voice. In my personal opinon he should have won... though the dude who actually won was amazing....

The next morning I got lost on the way to the metro station trying to make my way home from my friends house. Totally forgot his instructions and ended up doing 5000 steps before 10 am! ( didn't help that NONE of the bus stops had their respective numbers on the top and I had to check individual stops to find the damn bus home) I suppose it upped my step count so it wasn't alllll bad. Except I got a lil sweaty 'cause I was walking up and down hills and shit.

Also I was in Asda like 20 minutes ago and saw a Jillian Michael's fitness game for the wii. I probably don't need a another wii fitness thingy but I know all of you American blogger's rate her so I thought I'd put it out there.....

the dreaded weigh in...

ok so its not bad. A mere 6 pound loss this week.

That takes me over half of what I just regained.

Some people said it might drop off quick. Yay.

Current weight: 19 stones 12 pounds (278 lbs)
Previous weight: 20 stones 4 pounds (284lbs)
Highest weight: 21 stones 3 pounds (298 lbs)
Weight loss this week: 6 pounds
Total weight lost: 1 stone 5 pounds (19 lbs)

(copied this format from the fat lazy guy)

I am pretty happy with the loss but if I lose more than three pounds I usually get really cock sure of myself and relax way too much, starting with a post weigh in night treat. Tonight I am going to a lyrical slam in one of the cheapest pubs ever. Good fatty food at ridiculously cheap prices. Cheap cocktails and beer. Mnmm.m.m. I will be good. I have to leave at half six to get there and I don't usually have dinner til seven so its screwing with my routine. That worries me a little. Never mind good times.

I worked super frickin' hard this week. My exercise went up ten fold. My eating was awesomely clean. My attitude was rocking. It was a good week. Just need to keep this ball rolling.

Hope everyone elses scales is as generous as mine this week.

my fat and my friends.

I was thinking that moving home for the summer was going to be boring because I really don't have any friends here any more. And I've always kind of believed that the friends I did have didn't really like me because I was fat and ugly. But moving back I've realised that I blamed my friends for not including me in things because I was fat, was wrong. I pushed them away because I was insecure about my being fat and them clearly not being fat. Looking back I would make excuses not to go out with them because I would feel like a fat moose. And it got to the point where I stopped going out at all and resented them for having lots of fun with out me. But now I am realising its a two way street. I have to start communicating with them. People do have lives outside mine. I think I have to burst this bubble of 'I'm fat no one likes me'.

What better time to do it than when I am feeling great and positive and on track? So these last couple of days I got in touch with a few people I used to know and voila. I have some semblance of a social life. Got a few other things planned this week :D In fact I went out to a comedy night last night and had a frickin' awesome time. I didn't worry how fat I looked or if people liked me. I just went with the flow and had a good time. Though maybe a few gin and tonics helped that.....

Being alone made me miserable and depressed me more and in turn food became a very intimate friend. It's not the foods fault its so yummy. It was my shitty attitude. My lack of desire to face the music. Right now I feel like I am waltzing in the right direction. I am keeping my fingers crossed that this positive attitude sticks with me a while 'cause I need this momentum to keep going.

Little things are keeping me positive too... I loved my gym session yesterday. I got so much energy from it and came home and did my sports active for the day too. The exercise left me buzzing and cleansed. My eating is going great. I can actually do my hair the way the hair dresser did it. (i hate it when they make it unmanageable!) I love the nail polish I have on. ( thanks again big_mummy). I making other personal positive waves and they are clearly helping me to stay focused losing weight. I hope I can up this balance of goodness.

I hope my positiveness is catching! Have a good one!

just a quickie ;)

This is just a small one 'cause now I'm back in the rhythm of blogging I don't want to miss a day.

Just had a yummy jacket potato with tuna and onions :D *contented sigh*

My muscles have finally stopped screaming. Yay, the sports active thingy actually gave me the day off to rest. How considerate! Bloody needed it like. Off to the gym sooooooooon. Quite excited to get a good workout on the cross trainer. Got my music sorted too thank god for that.

Still feeling positive! Thank you to every one who complimented me on my hair cut :D Made me feel like a million dollars. You guys rock!

A good streak...

Feeling really good people :D Ta -dah this is my new short haircut! And also my sunburn, but it doesn't look to bad on there. The weather is annoying. rain. sun.rain.sun so my sunglasses are permantly stuck on my head now for all eventualities.... I used a lot of Sarah (big_mummy) stuff she sent me in the exchange to cheer myself up and make my self feel good. I painted my nails, used a delicous low fat hot chocolate, used a face mask, hand cream and all the lovely pens and stuff to make a w.loss chart :D Thanks again, missus!

My muscles are still burning from the active sport thingy but I peeked at the scales and its pulling results so I'm gonna ride through with a smile on my face. I think it gives me a day off today or something... hmmm.. must check that out.

Eating is clean. Went to a bbq on saturday and didn't eat a thing. Had lunch before I left and it saw me through the whole afternoon. It saved me money too. No eating, no paying. The rest of family enjoyed it. It was a cricket fundraiser and I just enjoyed the boys and the kids vs dad cricket. Me and my mam left around 7.30 and I made a delicious mushroom omelette with grilled bacon. MM..MMMM.

Definitely need to up the water and vegggies but I'm eating more fruit. cherries, bananas and apples so far this week.

Hope everyone is feeling as good as me :D

Feeling the burn....

oh my days! I can feel like every frickin' muscle in my body aching! EVERY MUSCLE BURNS.

Yes. I brought it on my self. I bought the EA Sports active thing m'jiggy for the wii. It was my first day of the thirty day challenge and boy was it a frickin' challenge. I went with a low intensity one as I've only been to the gym once this week (first time in like three). I now fear any high intensity ones. eeep. The squats were hard and the shoulder bend things were intense. I loved the cardio boxing.

I love my wii fit but I have played it to death. I felt a bit guilty buying the new fitness thing. lol. weird I know but *shrug* I will try to use the wii fit just as much, I am sure. But there are major advantages to the sports active than the wii fit. lol. PRAISE. you get lots of it and encouragement. I loved that lol. There was like a crowd applauding after I did 8. ;) I'm liking it....

Enough of the review. :D

Goals for the week:

need to drink more water

get my veggie/fruit 5 a day

go to bed earlier

not to panic when eating out

ok... I'm off to have my hair cut. And going to a bbq this afternoon. Fingers crossed I don't let my appetite loose.

over and out!

the sun is shining and things are looking up.....

lol. decided not to include my face in this one. I'm all sun burnt and shizzle. Also lol ignore me complaining in it. I managed to bang my bloody elbow... owwwww. I got some pretty cool stuff huh?

Ta -dah! Been a while since consecutive posts so yay to me. Feeling 100 percent back in the swing of things. Sarah's box of goodies has well cheered me up this week. I was feeling a little bit sad moving back in with my folks. Not because of my parents but the fact I don't have a room of my own. I have to sleep on an airbed for the next four months. IN THE LIVING ROOM. Which means no real privacy and no lie ins!!! (have to walk through the living area to get any where else in the house)

But the sun was shining today (another bonus) and I managed to convince the family into playing cricket and badminton all afternoon in the garden. Loads of fun! And I'm on over five thousand steps. Going to crack the wii out later and top up those steps. Paolo was feeling a little left out lately so hes looking forward to racking up some decent numbers this week.

Spent the morning re-packing and moving all my stuff into my granny's spare room. No easy task as her stairs are practically vertical. So all in all a very productive day.

hope the sunshine made everyone elses day as fun as mine!

over and out.

damage and what nots...

I woke up this morning and tried to be all positive.

However, I didn't sleep well and its bloody hail stoning outside! It's frickin' June. WHERE'S THE SUNSHINE?

Both beside the point. I haven't really been losing weight for like a month. It started out with one excuse. My exams and the stress it brought. The week after that I got my period after 6 months of it being 'missing'. The pain was unbearable. I barely made it out of bed. Then the last two weeks have been 'my friends going on an around the world trip and we're not going to see each other til September so lets make the most of now' excuse. Which essentially meant eat what the fuck I liked and ZERO exercise. Practically no blogging at all.

THE DAMAGE?

13 pound gain in 28 days. That's almost half of my total lost so far. It's hard to type that. It sucks but I ain't got any one else to blame. It was all me. It kinda depresses me to know I have to lose all that again since it felt like it took me forever to get it off. BUT IT MUST BE DONE.

Vlogging and shizzle....

Apologies in advance for...

a. the fact that i look like a tramp

b. the serious eye rolling... I can't explain why!

c. the um and ahing. guess I'm camera shy

d. the quality... I recorded it on my webcam but then had to record it on my phone and upload it because the webcam has no recognisable file type.

e. I say packing and not fucking. :D (I am moving out on monday)

Also I haven't read peoples blogs in a while. Sorry. I miss them and once I finish packing I will catch up as much as possible.