Quitting quitting....

The last two weeks...

...have not been fun.

...was spent scoffing my face like there was no tomorrow.

...has seen me do no exercise.

...there was not one piece of clean eating.

...has been filled with a shitty sleeping pattern

...I have had no motivation. Not even to get out of bed.

...there was no caring.

...saw a gain of eight pounds.

...has caused my face to break out in horrible nasty spots.

...makes me feel like crap.

...I almost quit.

The last two weeks are over. I am back. I realised what I did was stupid. I do care. Eating with reckless abandon has no positives. NONE. It has a whole host of negatives. My body hated it. It actively rejected the crap I stuffed down my gob. Did I stop doing it? No. It is easier not to listen, to pretend not to care. But this journey was never going to be easy. I knew that. I must stop making excuses. I don't know what made me feel so miserable or how I got stuck in the rut. Maybe I was just a little bit depressed. I could blame the exams but that was only a little part of it.  I just don't know.

What I do know is that I don't want to gain more weight. I CAN'T GAIN MORE WEIGHT. ok. I gained 8 pounds in two weeks and it took me like six weeks to lose that. I will probably dwell on that a little but thanks to some great advice (You know who you are :D) I've realised a lot of stuff. I just have to remember why I started this blog in the first place. I should not have stopped blogging the last couple of weeks. Maybe if I had blogged I wouldn't have let my self go this far. *shrugs* can't turn back the clock.

Off to lose the gain...

p.s thanks to every one who commented on the last post and to those who sought me out and dragged my head out of the fridge.

Official STUPIDITY...

I have a most excellent week. well weight loss wise.

Exam stress to the maximum.

Clean eating... exercise prior to exam lock down.

Weigh in over. CHAOS.

I don't know what registers in my head that says 'phew, its over eat what the fuck what you like.'

Today I did. An entire packet of biscuits. AN ENTIRE PACK. An enormously cheese stacked pizza meant for sharing. Huge pack of crisps too. And absolutely no exercise. None. Sloth mode returns. That was on top of regular meals. 

I am officially stupid. ONE STEP FORWAED. FIVE STEPS BACK.

Sound familiar? I think this is like the fourth post of this kind.

Great loss. Massive binge.

This post is starting to bore me already.

So, yeah. What did I do about? Cry. Like a baby. Pathetic sorry for myself sobs. Got in the bath and read for like four hours. Blocked everything out. Did not want to think about anything. Didn't want to think about the gain that is clearly gonna happen this week 'cause I really can't be bothered to work out enough to even it out. Plus I have another exam tues-thurs. (i have 48 hours to write four thousand words of my best stuff, so thats two days spent in ze library)

I heard the phrase today 'Either crap or get off the pot'.

I feel like it applies to my attitude to losing weight. do or don't. I keep telling myself I really want to lose this weight. I've made lists of reasons why I want to, even need to. I've set goals and targets. I started a blog. But do I? If I really wanted it as bad as I tell people, wouldn't I just get the fuck on with it and lose weight consistantly? If I'm not gonna do it properly is there any point in doing it at all?

You know what happens now? I dissappear for a couple of days. Clean eating. Exercise. Get a great attitude about weightloss. Get back on track. Lose three pounds and end up back at the beginning. I just don't think I can take this cycle much longer.

And yeah I could list all the positives from losing the weight so far. But losing (almost) two stone honestly doesn't feel like a big enough motivator to keep it going. I don't feel like I've lost enough in the time I started this weight loss journey. DOESN'T FEEL SIGNIFICANT.

BAH.

Back to business....

Well helloooooooooooooooo there. I am back. Did you miss me? Bet you did....

Jokes.

Just another quickie to announce that I am back from the stressful week from hell.  This week was icky but had one highlight. Don't know if it was stress or what but I managed to lose THREE POUNDS. Well, not so much lose as get the fuck rid off. Takes me down to 19 stone 5 pounds. The better half the 19 stones. Two pounds away from a total of two stones lost. So I really want to hit that target this week.

Didn't really get much exercise in. Spent so much time bent over books I hope I haven't developed a permant hunch. Hunch back would not be a cool new title. Perhaps all the heavy book carrying and racing round the library to get the best books paid off. Because despite all of the sitting around on my fat arse I still managed to pull this week off.

Right, mush dash.... have like a million blog entries to catch up on! 

Wonder what I've missed....

Thin days

Just a quickie...

I felt thin today. I walked 'round today like I frickin' owned everything. Today I did not feel fat or ugly. NO MOOSE FEELINGS. I felt confident and happy. I didn't feel at all self concious. I didn't care about the bus seats I don't fit into. I even ran towards the stupid bus. More running in public and not giving a damn. I didn't take a sharp in take in breath when the lift (elevator) got crammed full of people.

But also just wanted to say that I won't be blogging until Friday. I have two exams this week and I NEED ABSOLUTELY NO DISTRACTIONS. So I won't be doing much except revision and trying to calm my nerves. So try not to miss me too much :D

So, yeah, erm enjoy the week and I'll catch up with peeps at the weekend-oh.

If you're gonna do it, do it right - right?

If you're gonna do it, do it right - right?

Do it with me.

Immortal Wham lyrics there. (I'm your man lyrics to be exact) Wish I was around to appreciate the eighties. I was born tooooo late. Anyways, This song played while I was in the gym. And though it refers to something else, in that moment it applied to my weight loss journey. If I am GOING to DO it, then I should DO it RIGHT. And right now I am. I just hope I can carry this momentum forward for a long while. Another song kinda inspired me whilst I was working out today. Insomnia by Faithless. An awesome dance tune. When the bit for hard core ravin' comes on I doubled my effort on the cross trainer something bad. Worked up an almighty sweat. It felt awesome. Today I am patting myself on the back. Its Sunday, I always reserve this time for mooching and reading in bad til early afternoon. NOT TODAY. That's right people I was in the gym for 9.30 on a Sunday.

There were no hotties in the gym today so no oogling just pure concentration, focus. However, there was this one girl in front of me on my cross trainer. I didn't stare or anything but I did notice her nice figure and her cool clothes. She wasn't super skinny nor was she chubby. She was curvy and toned in all the right places. And I thought I wouldn't mind looking like that. That was my ideal look. *sigh*

One thing that is kinda bugging me right now is my belly. The fat below my equator line (where the belly button lives) is shrinking, I can feel the difference it definitely is getting smaller. However the fat above the belly button is not budging, not one little bit and is now creating the biggest over hang over my trousers ever. And its soft and wobbly. Eurgh. It grosses me out to the max. Eurgh. Eurgh. Eurgh.

One last thing... I've been managing to get in my 1.5 -2 litres of water a day. I can feel the benefits of it. But also I am peeing like theres no tomorrow! Serisously... I'm peeing that much that the trips to the toilet are bumping up my steps. Small grumbles though. Everything is awesome right now.

AWESOME.

Whoa...I feel good, I knew that I would NOW

Above are my new items of the week.First up, welcome Kev. Kev is my new teeny weeny kettle bell. And man does he give you an intense workout. I read up on kettle bell usage for a couple of hours and it suggests women should start out with a 7k one but I bought a 2.5k one and BOY that is more than enough. I think a 7k would have killed me. We'll see how it goes....

Secondly.... My old nikes died on my last trip on the cross trainer. The sole came away from the shoe and gave me a blister. Well, I couldn't abandon the session, I needed to do an hour. So I borrowed some money out of the fat fund my Gran has been saving for me. And PURRRRchased this awesome new even cooler pair. It's like walking on air. *SIGH* I love them.

After the kettle bell work out and my gym session yesterday I slept like a log. I mean I was like dead to the world. I slept so soundly that I didn't hear the postman ring the bell :( So now I have to trek to the post office to get my package. Well all those extra steps will be cool :D

So far today. I've changed and washed my bed sheets. Doing that always give me extra energy. I LOVE the smell of clean sheets. woohooo to bed time. I also put a load of washing in and hung it out to dry. Started revision. I feel energetic and happy and gutted that I really have to devote most of today to revision. Didn't get too much done yesterday.

I always thought my wrists and hands were not that fat but after I had blood taken on Thursday. I realised how fat they actually are. My wrist is covered in like 10 bruises. I was trying to scrub them off in the shower earlier because I thought it was dirt. The nurse couldn't get the blood from the crook of my elbow so she went for the wrist. She got it quick and painless but I bled like a mo'fo. And today. BRUISES. So when I was looking at them I realised when my wrist bends it creates an ugly little fat pocket. See evidence below.

I am frickin' on it....

Smiles all round today. Despite the miserable weather. I don't know what people count as early but I don't usually drag myself outta my warm bed until 9-10am so when I say I got up at 7am I mean I was up well early! Went to the gym. THAT'S RIGHT. Fought off the sleepiness and went for my first early morning exercise. And oh my days it feels sooooo much better. Got in there and sweated like a politician with his pants round his ankles! OH YEAH. Rocked that work out I did. It has really set me up for the day. Drank a litre and a half of water too. I have been struggling with that.... so woohoo.

All set for a sedate revision session after lunch. (I do not study well in the mornings. More afternoon onwards...) As I was feeling super low this past week I have decided to remind myself of why I am doing this. So I looked at length at my motivation book. It did the trick. I saw the naked pictures of me and the motivation just came flooding back. Obviously self disgust is a powerful tool. Also I have a list of reasons why I hate being fat/want to be slim. There's 60 so far. I am going to out down my top ten right here right now.

(some you really don't want to hear about so I'm leaving that shizzle out)

1. No more chafing thighs. It just sucks. A lot.

2. Fit properly on the bus seat. I hate that I don't and I'm sick of praying no one sits next to me. I don't want to squash up against people.

3. To not be out of breath just going up one flight of stairs. That embarrasses me.

4. I want to be able to swap clothes with my sister. She has amazing clothes.

5. For my boobs to stick out more than my stomach. I hate that my stomach is so sticky out.

6. To eat in public and not think that people are watching me thinking look at the fat moose she shouldn't be eating that.

7. To no longer be the token fat girl amongst my friends. I hate being invisible in social situations/nights out with my friends on the pull

8. I want to be able to wear a dress without wearing a pair of jeans under it. I cannot stand the sight of my legs right now.

9. I would like to feel my ribs without pushing into 10 inches of flab.

10. Just to not feel like I am going to have a heart attack doing anything that isn't usual routine.

I want to start the C25K thing tomorrow. Hopefully saying this now it will remind me. I forgot to post post weigh in pictures... so ta-dah.

the dreaded weigh in....

 and I've only been up an hour and I've been to the doctors to give blood and I am on 2,500 ish steps already! That bodes well for my 10, 000 steps a day. I have a lot of energy today but I really do have to devote today to the library. Revision is key. (We actually have sunshine today too)

I gained a pound this week. Completely expected, well actually I expected more so all is well. I have accepted it and moved on. This week is already off to a great start so I am confident things are looking up. I will lose this pound and more. woohoo I feel super positive right now. I hope it lasts.

This is a quickie because I really do have to zoom off to ze library.

Hope everyone is feeling as awesome as I am.

Almost forgot... Jo, on her blog, 282.5, on Tuesday, most awesomely gave me this! I am honoured she thinks my blog is super. You should all check her blog out because she is actually SUPER. Thanks for all your support, Jo. Annnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnd I just got an email telling me that I got it twice! Woohoo! Ugly girl with a beautiful @ the long hard road of hell also thinks my blog is super. Her blog is ace so go check it out, we're both emotional roller coaster riders so she knows just what I'm going through!

I usually hate passing stuff like this one but since I was nominated twice I feel it would be rude not too so here goes.

The law:

1. Tape it up on your blog somewhere.
2. Pass it along to 5 fellow super bloggers, and comment on their blog to let them know how lucky they are today!
3. When you present your Super Blogger awards, link back to the super blogger who gave it to you

The people I have chosen are as follows.... in no particular order.

(really hard cause I would have chosen the people who gave me it and I know some other faves already have it)

[a] Monica @ Confessions of a + sized girl... She always knows how to make me smile and her efforts on the elliptical make me jealous. Her blog is great and I can always relate to what this girl has to say. 

[b] Arielcircleofnine @ Ariels 9th Circle... Her comments are always super supportive, I love her attitude and she is just AMAZING. I am soooo glad she visited it my blog!

[c] Meps @ Chronicles of Meps' Reconstruction.... Wise. This lady is super wise, I have learnt alot from her and have really come to value her support and advice. Also her motivation to exercise videos/dvds is inspirational!

[d] Cactusfreek @ Running away from the fridge. The pictures shes post never fails to make me crack up. I love her determination to move forward. And her request for me to post a picture of my back fat.... well I just love it.

[e] FLG @ the fat lazy guys log. His journey so far is frickin' awesome! Consistantly losing weight he makes me jealous but has motivated me several times to push my self further. Plus he makes awesome videos (in which I got several mentions)!

ok I really have to leave...

I want this...

I really really WANT this. I need it. Today I feel it in my belly. lol. Pun intended. I feel that fire, that burn of wanting it, craving it, visualising the weight loss. Maybe this feeling won't be here long but I am determined to capitalise on it before it deserts me. I feel much stronger in myself. These last couple of days have been shit. No real attempts at weight loss or eating right, no real attempts at anything. I look back and think how stupid I am that I have wasted these last few days but I am not going to dwell on it. I am moving forward.

Tomorrow is weigh in. I am not optimistic that the scale is going to be my friend. I managed to do an hour on the wii and an hour and a half gym session and a game of cricket that almost gave me a heart attack (only got 15 runs) but I doubt that is enough to pull this week back. No matter, this next week will be kick ass.

I have avoided the blog because I really haven't had anything positive or interesting to say. Literally done nothing but feel sorry for myself, eat and mooch on the couch reading books. I just read all the great comments that people left on my last post. It made me smile to see such great support. I've been slacking on responses of late. I will get on to that.

It was sad when Pedro was lost to a bus stampede... however the time of mourning is over. Meet Paolo.... My new stepping friend. So great numbers expected. I feel we will become great friends.

With the late nights I have been having I've found it super hard to get up before noon the last couple of days but tomorrow I have to be up early for my blood tests so I hope this will help reset my early morning routine and get me back to sleeping right. The sleeping thing really throws. I FUCKING LOVE TO SLEEP.

I am determined to not let the scale ruin my mood tomorrow. I best go check out what everyone else has been up to since I went into sloth mode. Here's to positivity...

And it's Monday...

OK....It's Monday... and I've managed to drag myself out of the funk. Well a little. Food wise, bang on. Water, good. Exercise, moderate. Attitude? Stupid. No motivation arrived. Still lacking energy or focus to do anything but mooch on my couch with yet another book. And I have a massive stomach ache.

Yesterday  = disaster.

Didn't make it to the shops. So no food. Ordered in Chinese food, TWO portions of satay chicken (one is like enough for 2 people) and a huge bag of chips (french fries) despite the voice in my head screaming " DON'T DO IT, DEFROST SOME CHILI" So I ate it. Even though I wasn't really hungry for it, even when I was full I just kept munching. Munch. Munch. Munch.

That wasn't all... oooohhhh nooo.  One of those giant share size bags of maltesers, a 1.5 litre bottle of coke to wash it all down with and an enormous bag of sensation Tai sweet chili crisps.

Add that to the fact I've spent the last four days in sloth mode. Barely left the flat. Once to play cricket (which was actually fun)... and this morning to try and go to the gym. (it was closed, I forgot today's a stupid Bank Holiday) Moped around. Little or no movement. Read like four books.

Right now I just feel stupid. Very stupid. Yes, I felt super lonely and miserable but why do I resort to eating crap? WHY? When I'm doing it there's always a voice screaming no. AND I MEAN SCREAMING. but no. I block it out and just do it. Even in the moment the food doesn't make me feel better and I know afterwards my stomach aches and I feel like shit. I KNOW I will worry about what I ate and then stress over it. It never ends well yet I still bloody do it. I have come to the conclusion that I must be stupid.... or really slow. Why else would I keep doing it? I am seriously sick of not losing weight consistently. And frickin' sick of whining about it when I don't. No one else can sort it out. What's whinging about it gonna do? NOTHING.

I NEED TO JUST DO IT.

DO IT.

the weekend....

Not much to say as it goes. Because I haven't really done anything. No studying. No drinking water. I did manage to go to the gym for two hours yesterday. Haven't done two hours for a while. INTENSE.

People look forward to the weekends. The weekends make me miserable. My mood has affected everything. I didn't sleep well. Haven't eaten great either. FEELING BORED AND HUNGRY. In my head I say I know I don't want to eat this. I want to be slimmer. I am not even hungry. I take one look at whatever it is that's completely fatty and not good for me and ignore everything I just said and scoff it down. Then I'm all like well that was bad. I'll just write today off. Just one day. I'll be back on track 100 percent tomorrow. Its three days later and I'm not back on track. I am alone, tired and miserable. Luckily, there's nothing left to eat and I am too fucking lazy right now to drag my fat arse to the shop to get more crappy food. I don't have that many friends and right now I am just feeling completely and hundred percent alone. ALONE. I FEEL LIKE A FAT MOOSE TODAY. No motivation in sight...

I want to say tomorrow will be better. I want to promise myself that I'll stop being such an idiot and just do it. But I can't. 

I didn't want to post because I don't want to be a moaning Minnie. It sucks spreading the misery. But y'know misery loves company. And also blogging is one thing I really do not want to neglect.