Back on the weighty wagon....

Firstly can I just say a huge massive loving thank you and BIG (teletubby) HUGS (thanks Dina) to everyone who commented on my last post and wished my grandpa well. You have no idea how much I appreciated and needed it. You guys rock! Seriously can't say that enough...

It seems that my enthusiasm to this weight loss journey is always an extreme. (Tony's blog this week mentions this too) I am either really devoted and going strong or hating it and want to quit right there and then. No in between. One or the other. And it just changes from day to day which feels stupid. How can I feel so great one day and the next be ready to give up? I do not understand what happens over night to make this great change. I feel it is quite scary. Especially the short time in which my mood changes dramatically.

I feel like I have managed to pull this week a little bit back on track.

Reasons why...

1. I accepted the circumstances in which I binged.

2. I put the binge in the past and am not dwelling on it.

3. I have drank lots of water. More than usual. This cheered me.

4. No more enormous portions. Back to the normal.

5. No cravings for chocolate or pizza.

6. Back into doing at least an hour on the wii fit a day.

7. I joined the local gym today.(just for the two weeks i'm with the family) I did an hour and a half and tried out a fat burning work out on the cross trainer. INTENSE.

8. I went on an hour long walk right around our village with my Dad and the dog.

9. We have managed to settle into  a bit of  a routine around hospital visits so I am eating at better times.

10. I made my healthy kick arse chilli and enough to freeze

*nods* I feel a hundred percent more positive than saturday. I hope this feeling stays a while. I know this week is definitely not leading to loss but I am hoping to pull off staying the same or at most a one pound gain. I feel sick typing it but I need to hold myself accountable...

I had a giant pizza.  A massive Burger King meal. ( i don't even like burger king)I had four kit kats. Fizzy drinks. No exercise. No controlled portions. Midnight eating. Eating when I knew I wasn't hungry.

I added more stuff to motivation blog. :D Looking through it made me realise JUST HOW MUCH I DO WANT THIS. Actually how much I need to lose this fucking weight. I just didn't think it would be this hard this early.

 These are pictures and stuff from motivation book. Progress pictures first. Yay. The other two sets of pics are ones that I hate of me. Ones that I can see how enormous I look. Also I saw the virtual me on some one elses blog. (if its yours sorry, I can't remember) Which is good and bad. Good its shows me at this weight and at my goal weight next to each other which is great for comparison purposes. But the fat version of me is not really like me. It distributes the weight evenly and isn't lumpy like me. lol. Guess I'm being picky.

gargh

I already feel that this week is slipping away from me and no matter how positive I am trying to be it is just not happening. At 11pm last night my grandad was rushed back into coronary care, his heart beat was too weak. He was only released from hospital two days ago. He is now being kept in until he can be transfered to another hospital to get a pace maker. I am so worried about him and my gran. She can't look after her self without him, she is pretty much chair bound. So at midnight I went to go stay with her.  I feel bad that I am posting this because I feel like I am whining about how this will affect me when they're going through something really scary but.... I need to let it out.

Reasons/excuses why the week is slipping away...

1. I had my post weigh in treat even though I gained.

2. I ate my meal and half of my mothers. WITHOUT BATTING AN EYELID

3. I had lunch two hours earlier than normal, dinner then followed earlier and I was left hungry in the evening

4. I had three kitkats and now even though I feel a little guilty. I don't really care.

5. I didn't get much sleep at my grandmas house and now I am tired and worried and really not caring about my food intake

6. I only managed 0.35km on the bike because my grandma hip started up again. I want to exercise but it hurts. I think I might actually drag my arse to the doctor. which I hate.

I am tired and miserable and I just want to say 'FUCK THIS WEEK'. There is a tiny little part of me whispering 'don't do it, you've worked so hard to get this far' but I can barely hear it. It is much easier just to do nothing. I thought I had accepted the gain gracefully but now I feel like I was kidding myself. Yes, I understand how it happened but I don't like it one bit. A gain in the past after so many weeks of not gaining was enough to through me off the weight loss wagon completely. I think a gain this week would be pretty much make the ride to rough. Even though I can see this clearly and understand another gain would heavily set back my momentum. I REALLY, RIGHT NOW IN THIS MOMENT, DON'T FUCKING CARE.

the dread weigh in....

Today as I climbed on the scale I did not do it in a nervous and worrying way... I was totally calm. I knew with exercising late, my dodgy hip still hurting me and eating those extra huge portions I was in for a gain. I did have a little worry last night that it would be a huge gain but I ONLY GAINED A POUND. and you know what? I'm ok with that. I know exactly where I went wrong this week. Which sets it apart from my one pound problems last week. I feel I deserved this weeks result.

So the new week begins... I am back on being positive, my eating is back on plan and the pain in my hip is almost none existant!

Tonight I am heading home for two weeks or so to visit the old family so a motivation top up shall be on the cards. I hope I can use the gym there temporarily with out having to have an induction. The wii fit is packed and ready to go though I have yet to pack my clothes.... 

With knowing I was going to gain this week and the hope that I would accept it gracefully I decided to step up my motivation book. Yep. My printer got some new ink and I printed out all the horrible photos of me looking fat and enormous. The really horrid ones I can't stand to look at. Also I took some some ones of me naked. There are no photos like me naked to stir motivation to lose weight. It reminds me why I am doing it. I hate those lumps and bumps and can't stand looking and feeling this way. Not juts focusing on the negative.. I created several postive pages too, ones where I like how I look and are of me shrinking so all my post weigh in photos are there. Theres record of my new recipes tried and a progress chart :D Oh yeah I was getting creative and I love cutting and sticking lol. *sigh*

A new week.....

hip hip not so hooray...

GARGH. I feel like an old lady! I went to the gym for the first time this week and oh mine lord it hurt. Well, just my hip. I feel like it needs replacing. I could barely walk when I was done. I was hobbling like no ones business. Its much better after a looooooooong soak in the bath but  sheeeesh it was not good.... Despite the hip the gym felt goooooooood. Feel like I am back on track securely. All is well in the world of ME. It has tired me out so I will get my arse to bed early despite getting up late because I stayed up til 2am last night watching GI Jane.

Before the gym I had another attempt at cooking. TA- DAH. This is my cottage pie.... Despite not liking carrots I did not mind them amongst the other pie ingredients and I had much fun mashing the potatos! Also I added sweetcorn and green beans to the mix and cut out the cellery *shrugs* I liked my addtions better. Also my sisters laptop is riddled with viruses and crap and earlier when I was checking my emails this ad popped up. I almost wet myself laughing... its  a little crude but I just had to share.

CLICK THIS LINK DAMNIT

back to normal

WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO my final essay has been finished and handed in. I feel like I am walking on air. Although with the strength of the wind today I literally was! I don't even care the weather was really shitty today. I have no MORE assignments. No more stress. Oh the relief. Hello, my old friend exercise. I have not had a spare minute the last couple of days to exercise, not even to go on the wii! Which really pained me but there were necessary evils to be banished. Tomorrow I have an early morning appointment with the gym-oh. BRING IT. Also today brought back the normal size portions. I don't have any more excuses to eat that much. NA -UH. I was going to have something really fatty to celebrate the death of my assignments but.....

My coat. I could actually do it up with out the buttons scrunching up or popping open! Woohoo. That made me feel extra happy. Plus because the buttons were fastened it kept me warmer. lol. I knew there was a reason I didn't need a new bloody coat. Huraah for money saving and me keeping my one, my only, my favourite coat. *SIGH* all is well in the world. Short and sweet this one.

A new kind of binge....

In an attempt to get out of my stupidy slump I did some spring cleaning! (See above) Washed all my sheets and you know what it worked! Going to bed in my gorgeous, clean and freash smelling sheets was refreshing and calming and exactly just what I needed! Cheered me up no end. However, with studying and trying to get this essay finished for monday and for it to be perfect, my exercise has suffered and the books are giving me head aches. I tried drinking plenty of water, had regular breaks and was making promising head way but something just wouldn't give. I was suddenly ravenous all the time. 

Instead of binging on the really bad stuff.... (there was none in the flat and was waaaaaaaaaaaay too lathargic to drag my arse to the shops) what I did was eat extra big portions of my healthier stuff. ( I read something similar on TwinkelyDots blog) I made pasta with chicken and bacon but it was for like four people and even though I struggled to make it past half way I pushed my self to eat the entire thing, again til my stomach was fit to bursting. I am not going on to explain the slimming world diet but basically there are two different types of day, an red and a green day. On the red its meat orientated and you are limited on stuff like pasta and potato. On a green day its the opposite. Yesterday I stuck to neither day. In the evening, even though I wasn't really hungry, I had four potato rostis. They weren't even that nice. 

Though the stuff I scoffed are not really fattening it worried me that I was eating that much. One of the postives of the last couple of weeks was that my portion sizes had finally made it to a normal size. With the lack of exercise this week so far I am not feeling positive but hope the handing in of this last essay will release me back into the positive for good.

stupider and stupider.... then not so stupid.

I was such an idiot yesterday. Firstly, I was super miserable about only losing a pound. Secondly, despite an intense hatred for shopping, I went to a clothes shop figuring losing almost twenty pounds oughta to have made me do down a size. Thirdly, I let the last two reduce me to three separate public outbursts of tears.

Lets take numero uno...

I really worked extra hard this week, with my exercise and my eating was faultless. So in that respect I expected a bigger loss than a pound. I guess that is where I went wrong, I should not anticipate how much I am going to lose, just be grateful that I am loosing no matter how little or small. I tried to stay positive and be happy but it wasn't happening. I could not conjure up excitement or any small bit of triumph.

Secondly...

I went to Evans the only shop that caters for fat people. Well for young fat people. I hate clothes shopping at the best of times but I thought it would cheer me because surely with my clothes being loose and stuff, going down a size would be just the affirming nod that might get me out of my funk. Alas no. I was the same size. The weight that has come hasn't come off in the right places. The tops were loose around my boobs and top of back but clung to my stomach and hips like usual. So I figure my because I wear the same clothes all the time they must have just stretched as I got fatter and even though I've lost weight I am now the actual size of those original clothes.

Thirdly... the combination of the both these caused me to break down. I cried right there in the shop. Sobbing like an idiot. Calmed myself down and rang my mother. Broke down again on the phone to her, so much I had to hang up and promise to ring her back. Even in the haze of tears I went and had my post weigh in treat. I ate it all. Even though I was full. I just eat it until my stomach swelled. Which produced more tears. It was not good. I almost went on a doughnut binge (krispy kreme was just around the corner) but managed not to succumb to it. I wanted to just give up and say, that's it I'M FAT. FUCK IT.

Got home and had a bath. Read a little. And spoke to each of my parents. Read the comments that people wrote on my blog. Felt really stupid. The bath helped me relax and not just loosen the knots in my muscles but the knots in my head. My mam and dad were great. They both reminded me how much more energy I had, how this was the happiest they have seen me in a long time and that they were beyond proud of what I was doing. It was so overwhelming and great to hear them say that. Then I read the lovely comments that people posted on my blog and realised many things.

Natasha posted this...

Hello! 
Do you know me? 
If you don't, you should. 
I am ONE POUND OF FAT, and I amthe happiest pound of FAT that you would ever want to meet! Want to know why? 
It's because no one ever wants to lose me! 
After all, I am only ONE POUND OF FAT. Just ONE POUND. 
Everyone wants to lose 3 or 5 or 15pounds, but never ONLY one. 
So, I just stick around and happily keep you. 
Then I am free to add to myself, ever so slyly, so that you never seem to notice... 
That is, until I have grown to 10, 20 or even 30 pounds in weight... 
YES... it is fun being ONLY ONE POUND OF FAT... left to do just as I please.
So, when you weigh in, go ahead... just keep on saying, "Oh I only lost one pound." (As if that is so terrible.) 
For you see, if you do this, you will encourage others to hang around me because they will think that I am not worth losing. 
And I LOVE being around you... your arms, your legs, your chin, your hips, and every other part of you.

HAPPY DAYS! 

After all, I am ONLY ONE POUND OF FAT!!!
~Author Unknown

It made me smile but it also put things into perspective. Yes, I thought I deserved a bigger loss but the fact that I didn't gain is some thing to be proud of. One pound is better than none, I can't begin to imagine how I would now react to a gain. That scared me. If I reacted this badly and it was to loss, what the hell would happen if I gained? It was such an over reaction. In retrospect, I am embarassed about how I behaved yesterday. My life is good and I must remember that I am in it for the long haul and that most importantly its about my health. I am already benefiting in sooooo many ways and yet I always choose to focus on the one negative. I am making it my aim to be more positive. Stop focusing on the scales.

I am really grateful to all who posted yesterday and to my parents for helping me off the bad path before I got lost.

Now I just need to finish my last essay of the year so I can go out and enjoy the sunshine...

the dreaded weigh in...

The obligatory post weigh in picture :D with my head and bad bed hair included.... on request!! This t-shirt though faded and hideous (I no longer love Greenday) it shows a little bit more of my figure than the baggier stuff I am wearing. It is even a little loose itself which is awesome because it used to be skin tight and stretch over my stomach. It from like 6 years ago when I was fifteen. Yep. Enormous at 15.  So at least in one picture I can actually see a bit more of a difference.

Just a one pound loss this week. I know, I said just. A loss is better than a gain, all the small loses add up blah blah  blah but I just feel I deserved a little more this week. Plus I kinda had my heart set on reaching the twenty poud loss mark. I worked twice as hard and ate on plan alllllllllllllllll week. I exercised more but the scale doesn't reflect it... maybe next week will be better. I am not going to dwell on it. Rant over. *deep breath* A pound is a g

reat loss. Yes. I will be happy with it. 

Whilst I was working up a sweat on the treadmill I was wondering how long it takes to burn the fat. I mean, was the fat burning off immediately? How long does it take for the fat to leave your body? I tried googling it and I don't know if I am phrasing it right but I couldn't find any conclusive answers. I don't know if that is just me being obsessive about it or what but I am thinking about it more and more.

(my version of the pie. A hearty slice)

Also lol... I think I talked up my steak and mushroom pie to the maximum on one of my posts. It really was delicious. So with several requests I am posting the recipe. I hope it turns out as delicious for you as it did for me. :D I still some left over from yesterday... having it for dinner tonight m...mmmmmm. Looking forward to trying more recipes. :D

***************************************************************************************************

Steak and Mushroom Pie

Serves 4

Ingredients...

 1 large onion

681g /1and a half lbs lean cubed braising steak

1 level tbsp corn flour

2 bay leaves

salt and pepper

284ml/ half a pint of beef stock

227g/80z closed cup mushrooms

3 x28g/ 1 oz sheets of filo pastry

1 medium egg beaten

destructions...

a. peel and slice the onion and place in a pan. remove all visable fat from steak, toss in cornflour and add them to the pan with the bay leaves and seasoning. add the stock and about 142ml/ quarter pint of water just to cover the beef. bring to the boil, cover and simmer for 1 and a half hours until the beef is tender. cool, then discard the bay leaves.

b. preheat the oven to 222*c/425*f/gas 7. quarter the mushrooms and place in a two pint pie dish. add the beef and the onions using a slotted spoon and pour over about 200ml of the cooking juices til it comes halfway up the dish. the meat will come to the top but once the mushrooms cook they will sink down.

c.brush each sheet of filo pastry with egg, lightly scrunch it up and place on top of the meat, spread the sheets out until all the meat is properly covered in pastry. brush generously with egg and bake for 20 minutes. lower the heat to 180*c/350*f/gas 4 and cook for a further 20 minutes until golden and hot. serve with what ever your heart desires.

VOILA. enjoy.

The journey to find the filo!

I posted the steak and mushroom pie that me and my dad made that was ooooooooooooooooooooo totally delicious I have decided to make it now I am back at my own place. I had no food on return from the family home so off I trekked to Asda and did my big food shop for the next two weeks or soooooo.... EXCEPT THEY HAD NO FILO PASTRY. I couldn't believe it, one of the biggest supermarkets around didn't have it. Using any other kind of pastry would be disastrous on my points system. I'd already defrosted the meat so the pie was definitely gonna happen.... I thought its ok I will just go to another supermarket after uni.

Went to uni ( had the most amazing lecturer, an American called Elizabeth Morris) and then headed into town. Two supermarkets there also didn't have the pastry either, I was starting to worry :( Off I went to the gym. A very productive session, even talked to a couple of people. *gasp* being friendly at the gym. It cheered me and for an entire hour I forget about the stupid damn filo pastry. Gym over. Back the soul destroying quest for the right pastry. I trekked further and got on a bus for 40 mins to the next big supermarket. NOTHING.. Went to the one across the street. NOTHING. I feared the worst for the pie. While I was waiting for the bus to the next supermarket (the one I hated) a man told me I didn't exercise enough. He just said it. Seriously, do I have something etched on my face that says I AM FAT AND LAZY PLEASE TELL ME SO. I just stared incredulously and hoped the bus turned up on time. Finally made to Morrisions and whoooooooop I found the pastry. I bought three packs. 5 supermarkets and 3 hours in total. I was ready to make the pie but it after 7pm when I made it home. So I decided to leave to it today. See the dedication for this pie? That yummy!

This is the inside of my little store cupboard. I had no really interesting pictures to post but I like posting them so I thought I would just post it lol. How interesting...NOT :D I have today off and I am really glad. I miss one day of blogging and theres a million posts demanding attention! I got some really lovely comments on my last post and was really touched :D I am so glad that I started this blog. I really can't say that enough. So thankyou to those that do read this. I checked the scale today, again. I am sick of moaning about it on here so I am just not going to do it anymore. Just once a week from now on. Yes.

Sunday yummy Sunday...

In my last couple of visits home I have been trying to convert my family to healthier eating, I've made them well healthier versions of their favourites :D Just simple cooking, nothing worthy of a five star restuarant... last time it was a pasta and sausage dish, this time it was chilli :D both went down very well (if not a few comments on the smaller portion size) However this weekend was completely different....

I brought home my new cookbook and every one was eager to cook something healthier themselves. Even my younger brother who desperately needs to lose his weight made a huge effort to be a part. He has a sweet tooth so he made a yummier 100 x healthier desert than he would normally eat. I was sooooo proud of him. I really can't express just how much in words.

Me and my Dad made a low fat steak and mushroom pie :D It was absolutely delicious. I was most impressed with my cooking skills but also that my parents both got excited over recipes and which one we should make first. We decided on the steak and mushroom pie for dinner this evening and before I leave tomorrow we are going to make chilli lemon chicken. I am positively beaming as I write this :D We went on a special shopping trip to get the ingredients and they now own many herbs and spices they would never normally consider. woot. woot.

This is my empty plate my Dad forget to let me take a complete picture of the pie before he served up but as you can see from my seriously empty amlost licked clean plate that the pie was a major success.

Both before and after dinner we spent alot of time on the wii... sports and the fit. It was so much fun, it really does bring my family together. I really am glad that we invested in one. We've had many game consoles over the years but this is the only one that has been worth it. My Mam in particular said she felt much better for changing her eating habits and both, her and my Dad have lost noticable amounts of weight :D positive and positive.

I miss the gym :( I don't believe it. I can't wait to get back to Manchester for that reason alone. I love my weekends with the family but I do miss my home. It won't be long til the end of term and I shall return so it's all goooooooooooood....

I was tagged in It's All About Me's blog and I never usually do the tagging others thing 'cause it in general bugs me (sorry) :D but I felt bad and attempted half it in honour of her... (I'm not tagging other people)

Seven facts about me....

1. I have the best family in the entire world.

2. I love manchester city with all my heart.

3. I read at least two books a week.

4. I am addicted to the internet.

5. My room is actually tidy right now

6. The slimming world diet works the best for me.

7. I am the shyest person I know.

Seven quirky facts about me...

1. When I get on the scales for weigh in, I do it ten times.

2. I can only start my studying on an exact hour.

3. My friends call me Simmyfish and I have no idea why.

4. My wrists are my favourite body part

5. I always wear odd socks

6. Theres only six quirky facts about me

7....TA DAH

Ah... I am happily exhausted *content sigh*

the weekend...

(my official progress chart oh yeah)

....Has been awesome and it's only half way gone! I brought the wii fit home... introduced it to the old family. Bonds have been made. The wii fit is IN. Score, another healthy relationship initiated. It was sooooo much fun watching my dad hula hoop, I actually almost pee'd myself laughing. Seriously have not laughed that hard in a while. It felt so good. Right now I feel so happy I could burst. I am in the bosom of my family and they enjoyed my kick arse healthy chilli. OH YES. I am converting the peoples....

I had my post weigh in treat last night instead of Thursday. I feel a little odd about it for some reason but *shrugs*. I wanted to wait til I got (family) home to have one of the most amazing chinese take outs. OMG. I am so glad I don't live here permantly any more, that chinese place would be my ruin. Luckily theres no real good chinese places near my flat back in Manchester. Which justs leaves the pizza demon on his lonesome.... I did eat more than I needed but it was so delicous. I rationaled it was ok this once because I will not be eating it again for a very long time.

I finally decided to bite the bullet and get measured... bought a new measuring tape especially for the moment. I HATE this figures more than my scale numbers but once over I would not dare tell anyone my scale number so I figure I am moving on and am no longer embarrassed by them because they are soooooooooo going down. IT IS NOT A FIXED NUMBER. So here goes....

inch by fatty inch...

BUST: 48 

WAIST: 44

HIPS: 57

ARMS: 18

THIGHS: 33

cooking and stuff...

No matter what I do this picture won't turn round the right way so screw it... I bought some pretty pink, red and orange cup cake holders and decided to brave the baking malarky again....

<<<<>

I'm off home for the weekend... I am quite excited because I bought a new recipe book and me and my mam are gonna try out a few new things. She seems keen to try my spanish omelette I made the other day. She's also decided she doesn't like kidney beans but I am pretty sure she hasn't tried them. (mam, if you're reading this they're yummy ESPECIALLY in my chilli con carne) *fingers crossed* I shall try to convince her...

Alot of the comments from my weigh in yesterday have suggested marking my progress in inches too... at first I was against this because *shrugs* I just hated those numbers more than my scale number. But, actually, I think it might be a good idea because sometimes when I don't lose as much as I like or can't feel it in my pants the inches might just show a result! So I will be measuring up later today... eeep.

the dreaded weigh in...

[OBLIGATORY POST WEIGH IN PIC]

My hair is all over the place so couple that with my spotty face I felt it was best left cut off! You can see my clean exercise stuff in the background oh yeah. This actually one of my nicest outfits... one of seven that I wear continuously...but thats another post entirely!

Despite my lethargic tendancies and a real late stab at the gym... I lost a pound :D woot woot! That takes me in to the 19 stone region so I can say goodbye 21 stones, goodbye 20 stones and a brief hello to the 19 stones! And brief it will be! I do not plan on staying here long. Last night I was sure that I was going to stay the same and initially felt that would be as bad as a gain. However, after a chat with my superstar of a mother(best support network ever) I realised it would not be the end of the world if I did stay the same. Still it made me feel sick to think of it. She now thinks I am obsessed with it...

Am I obsessed??? I thought about it some and realised the part about weighing myself on the scales is obsessive but thats it. (just need my to remind my flatmate to hide it) I have to think about my weight loss strongly or else I wouldn't be able to do it and I have to think about it often because it does affect a huge part of my life. If I didn't monitor my exercise and eating closely I would fall off the wagon constantly. I need to be strict to a point but I don't think I am becoming obsessive.

To gym or not to gym... that was my question!

With being on my health kick I have been going to bed earlier, sleeping better and rising early with lots of energy. I have one late night (to see the awesome watchmen) granted it was the super late midnight viewing and I didn't make in to bed til 3.30am and I usually go to bed at around 10pm so there was a quite a difference. I suffered for days afterwards. No energy. Felt sleepy through the day. Awake at night. No motivation. Might explain why I was a bit miserable the other night and was worrying for no reason. So apart from going on the wii fit. I basically did nothing. Just existed. I finished two books over three days. Watched tv. Then I thought I need to go to the gym.... but ah I am too tired. 

Then I remembered what I read on The Anti-Jared blog. NO MORE EXCUSES. I WANT RESULTS. so I bit the bullet and dragged my sorry tired arse to the gym. As soon as I changed. I felt the energy arrive!! By the time I'd done thirty minutes on the bike I was pumped. Did fifteen on the elliptical and another 15 on the treadmill. I no longer feel tired. It was such the wake up call I needed. I realised I didn't get over the tiredness because I just let it take over. If I just gotten up off the couch once it wouldn't have gone on this long, I just wallowed in it. I feel sooooooooo much better.

I was a bit annoyed that in my hurrying to the gym I left my mp3 player behind. Gutted. The music at the gym coupled with the machine noises was baaaaaaaaaaaaaaad. Not as bad as the farts the guy on the treadmill in front of me was letting out. GARGH. They smelled like rotten eggs, I actually gagged once. On a more positive note.... instead of doing my usual total 11 whatevers (I'm not quite sure what the distance is measured in) I did 14.95 whatevers. 11 of those came from the bike. Oh yeah. I stepped that shit up. I am averaging 10 rpm more than my last couple of times on the bike and it didn't hurt as much to sit on it.

Feeling completely refreshed from the gym I showered and went off to uni with a smile on my face, forgot that I dreaded my group project meeting. The meeting was productive (thank god). Got everything sorted and I stayed til 6pm doing as much of my essay as possible before I head to my family's place for the weekend.... so yay, yay and YAY. I am feeling soooo much more positive. I never thought I'd owe the gym that. Also below is a picture of me in my work out top. It used to be skin tight on me and I am not sure if you can really tell but I pulled it out to show how feckin' loose it is. *content sigh* Don't look at the mess on the floor beside me... I WILL TIDY :p

HOOORAY. I also experienced sunshine today without a freezing chill wind. I actually felt the heat of the sun on my skin. Good times. Now I just need to be able to fit on my own bike (I'm too heavy for it right now)....soon...oh yeah

Spot the difference...

I have never had really bad skin but I do get those ridiculously green goo filled volcano like monster spots. I thought with drinking more water and eating more healthy that they would calm down and be less obvious. Alas more are appearing. They've now started appearing on my back, thighs and neck. I feel it might be because I am sweating more. Especially after exercise. I don't know how to stop it without cutting out the work outs but there is no way I am doing that. I enjoy it too much and it is key to my weight loss sucess. I've never used any products or anything, maybe it's time....

On a less icky but more positive note... I got my wii fit age down by 14 years. Still 4 years above what it should be. :D I am trying to do at least twenty minutes on it every day. (I hope others are including it in their exercise routaine, not mentionfing any names HOPEFOOL.) Just twenty minutes of the aerobics left me slightly breathless but not panting or sweating. I've spent just under three hours in total on it now and unlocked pretty much everything. Having problems with the jogging on it. If it says JOG AT MORE CONSISTANT PACE or whatever it says one more time I'll scream. But when the man waves at me it does spur me on to run faster. Though I am two pounds heavier on it....

I'm still going against my advice and weighing myself at every oppertunity. Not good. It makes me worry. I tried to get my housemate to hide the scales but after once she hasn't done it since :( It's not like I can hide it myself! I was worrying about this in bed last night... which lead to more doubts. Can I keep up the momentum of exercising regularly? My meals are boring me, how can I mix it up? What else can I do? Am I really going to be able to do the charity run? Why is the weight not coming off my legs? Round and round and round. Couldn't sleep so I read for a while. Still woke up before the alarm.  I think I may need to have a serious look at my motivation diary.

In a small attempt to cook and try something new... a spanish omelette...my frying pan broke. Awwwwww. It looks so sad and abused. This pan has stayed with me three solid years of student cooking and I mourned the loss noisily. Now I have to invest in a new one... no worries. This one only cost me three pounds. Yay to the basics section at Asda. I completely forgot to take a picture of my spanish omelette. It was delicous. I would definitely make it again. My flatmate said it looked funny but I thought it looked ok. Doesn't really matter because it was SCRUM- DIDDLY-UMPTIOUS.

the calm AFTER the storm

Last night I climbed over another gym fear. I conquered the treadmill. Oh yes, I went there. I hadn't always been a treadmill fraidy cat but in one of my earliers attempts to lose the poundage I did fall off one and hurt myself. That was the end of my treadmill r.ship. GONE. DEAD. I had not been on one since incase I fell off and embarrassed myself like the first time. However, the gym was fairly empty so I thought why the hell not. I did it. YAY. Nervously at first but ended up doing half an hour on 5.5 so all in all it worked out ok. I only did fifteen minutes on the bike and 15 on the cross trainer. But now including the treadmill mixes my routine up a bit so hopefully I shouldn't get too bored with the gym really early.

Today I ache. My thighs are a little sore from the treadmillness. I didn't feel like I was chafing but apparantely was. And my hips hurt. I didn't realise hula hooping could be so intense. However, I've had a nice long soak in th bath and nothing no longers aches like it did when I tried to drag my arse out of bed. I just enjoyed some chill con carne I had left over from the other day. It was yummy. I must make more. I have to go to the library and study today but I can't wait to come back and play around with the wii fit more. *hint hint @hopefool*

I am still smiling so all is well :D

a wii bit more fit....

(you can see why I'm so fat. That's only half of my dvd collection, sometimes its easier to lose yourself in a film then face the real world as a fat person)

Oh yes... I invested in a wii fit. You either love it or you hate it, I am finding. I didn't realise how heavy it was. Man, carrying it from town to the flat was such an effort. But I thought yay its working before I even get it out of the box, that's a good sign right? It took less setting up than I thought too. So far so good...

I tried everything out on it and I'm addicted to the hula hooping. Yep. My balance leaves something to be desired though. My current wii age is 39. lol. eighteen years on me. That's tough but it gives me something to work at. I like how it weighs you and gives you goals. And it is something to use everyday or the days I can't make it to the gym or whatever. Don't get started on the yoga and the muscles exercises. After two or three of each my body was screaming. NO MORE. NO MORE.

And I am off to the gym...

The dreaded weigh in...

The obligatory post weigh in  photograph. I don't notice many changes in the pictures from week to week but I can feel the change in my body (well just my stomach). I see and feel some change in my trousers. So I tried to document that. The first one is me from the side. I can get a hands with between my stomach and my trousers. Not that you can tell that well but whatever!It really was dreaded this week. The pizza and the wine plus treat night I was sooooo bloody worried. Even when I did an intense work out, went swimming and ate well immediately after I figured it wouldn't be enough. Because I sat on my arse the rest of the week so I could finish my essay. Studying is not productive to exercise I feel.  Despite the pizza splurge I have a great week, My essay is done. I have twice as much energy as I ever had. I made the most scrumptious chilli con carne. I am sleeping such more better that I could cry with joy. And it seems the weather is slightly less cold. Plus tonight I get to see an advance screening of the Watchmen for free at the imax. All is right with the world....

I LOST THREE POUNDS THIS WEEK. I couldn't believe it. I stepped on and off the scales 5 times just to make sure. I still can't believe it. Really. Did not expect it, really thought I would maintain or gain. But I am not going to whinge about how I don't deserve it. I have been telling other people about unexpected losses. It is much better than 

a gain and staying the same. So you know what I am just going to bask in the glory that I am now a straight TWENTY STONE. bang on even. I like the sound of it. TWO HUNDRED AND EIGHTY POUNDS EVEN.

Everyones been posting their food successes in picture form so TA -DAH here is my chilli con carne. *beams proudly* It does like very orange, 'tis the camera effect I feel.

Stupidly swimming...

I went swimming again today. Didn't enjoy it as much. BECAUSE I GOT IT INTO MY HEAD MY FAT ARMS WERE MAKING TOO MANY SPLASHES. yep. I couldn't swim. I just did the crappy little doggy paddle but for some reason couldn't move my legs at the same time. So not only did I look even stupider than if I would have just normally my arms were working twice as hard to pull my enormous whale like body through the water.... We (me plus my flatmate) paid a little extra and used the health spa bit. That was cool, went in the jacuzzi, sauna and steam room. It felt really good, not that I deserve a treat this week. However, when moving from the pool to the spa we had to walk back and forth in front of a well toned swimmers. Young guy swimmers. Needless to say I was not thrilled. After long deliberation I have decided to post me in my swimsuit. So you can what they saw and hopefully motivate me into losing more weight.

From the side and the front. I don't think any one needs to see my fat arse from behind. OH MY GOD. I am sooooo pale it is scary. Those shorts are grey but go that nasty colour after being in the water. Lumps and bumps, my friend. LUMPS AND BUMPS. Pretty huh?

We got told off for taking these pictures. Apparantly you're not allowed to take pictures by the pool.

Went to the gym this morning too. That was such a great workout. woohoo for today.

This has taken soooooo much effort. That this is all I shall post. I feel  purged. My body is screaming for mine bed.... Sleeping tight.

Mini Meltdown... Massive post.

Firstly I want to say blogging is one of the best things I've done to help me lose weight. The support I have got so far is amazing and definitely the best motivational tool I've found. So thank you very much to all those people who cheer me on, give advice and are just simply reading my blog. It means a bloody lot.

I also want to mention my mother. She is amazing. No matter what time I call she always answers and gives me advice or whatever else I need, even if it is one am and all I need to hear is a hello. She is another huge part of my motivation to lose weight because she is such a great form of support. I love her so much and can't tell her enough how amazing she truly is.

This leads me onto my mini-meltdown. Emotionally it was mini... food wise disastrous! After posting about the gym and how it calmed me down but feeling like I should be out having fun with my friends I thought I could go out Saturday. I felt confident that I could have a good time and still eat/drink in moderation. Not sooooo much. My flatmates boyfriend and his two friends came round to our flat for pre-evening drinks. I was a little nervous. I looked nice but still felt fat and ugly. Not that I had a hope in hell with either of his friends. They were nice guys though. But I nervously and very quickly gulped down the wine. Not really monitoring the intake. Not the best start but before I knew it I was laughing and giggling and having a good time. On to the event...

My house mate won the regional miss student competition last year and they keep in touch. So she got invited to this years final. We got in V.I.P stylee which is always cool even if the event is not that highbrow. The venue used to be one of my favourite places to go for drinks before I became I fat recluse. THEN OMG. all down hill from here.... I had a few of those cheap alchopops that are bright blue...the really nasty cheap kind. I blamed those on my financial situation, don't have that much money right now. But couple that with the wine I soon became miserable. I leaned over the balcony and watched all those pretty skinny girls in their short skirts and lack of clothing and felt jealous. That shocked me. I don't want to dress like that ever. Add unhealthy dose of misery here. So I watched more. More. I saw the models on the stage dancing too. That was embarrassing. Yes, they were skinny and models but they couldn't dance to save their lives. I could not watch it any longer. When my flatmates boyfriends friends went to the front of the stage to oogle them I had had enough. I was about to cry and god help if I was going to do it in there. So I left. Got a taxi home feeling completely and utterly rock bottom. I cried for a solid hour.Whole body rocking sobs. My face red and puffy, eyes swollen and was absolutely starving. Nothing in the fridge appealled to me. In an attempt to calm me down I rang my mam. She soon sorted me out. Man, I love her. She reminded me of all the reasons I'm losing weight and how well I am doing and how I could put tonight behind me and not let it spiral out of control. IT DID THE TRICK.

I am trying to blame the alcohol but I can't. The rest of the guys came back and were heading out for pizza. What my mam had just said had gone in one ear and out the other. I was physically hungry and emotionally drained. Pizza seemed like a great option at 2am. So I get to the pizza place and they guys give me the wrong size pizza. I explained that to the guys and they were all friendly and 'I haven't seen you in here in like a year, how are you'. Wow. I wish that had been enough for me to say 'you know what? I don't want the pizza after all' but it wasn't. Because they made a mistake they give me a free pizza. SO I HAD TWO PIZZAS. every one was like wow we'll have some too. I thought yay I won't eat them both. But they already had their own stuff and only had like two slices of my pizza. After everybody left and went to bed. I ATE TWO ENTIRE PIZZAS. Just writing that makes me want to cry. I feel disgusted with myself. Absolutely appalled.

In the light of Sunday morning I completely regret last night. I can't believe how I let my eating spiral out of control. My stomach is bloated and I have only had four hours sleep. I woke up craving water and have spent the last hour drinking it trying to flush out the nasty alcohol. All I can think about is going to the gym and working it off but today is a no go. I need this essay wrapped up today. I MUST STAY POSITIVE. I don't have to let the pizza have the last word. It is not the end of the world. I am always telling other people to take the rough with the smooth. I have to take my own advice. Made a mistake. Time to move on. Use it as motivation to try harder. I do feel like I have let myself down. Chin up. I will visit the gym later. *nods* *sigh*