the friday blues... and maybe some running shoes?

Well it is now Saturday... but I need to touch upon yesterday. What a bloody miserable start to the day I had. Thursday I lost my stone and was excited and happy beyond belief and was thinking that that happiness would be long lived. Alas no. For some reason I didn't sleep all too well and felt so miserable on waking up that I wanted to spend all day in bed and just cry. No idea why. I have nothing to feel miserable or sad about. NOT ONE THING. So I dragged my miserable arse out of bed and went off to university. Not the most interesting lecture and it did nothing to improve my mood. Not even the surprise visit to an art gallery instead of the usual stupid seminar, cheered me up. Came home and just sat on the couch for several hours watching mind numbing tv. NOT HEALTHY. Didn't make one effort to get my essay started.

Then from nowhere I was like f**k it. No one else can make me happy except me. I just have to shake me out of this pointless misery. So at 7pm I headed for the gym. Yes THE GYM. It took me by surprise that that is where I wanted to be. On the way there I was thinking, man, I'm such a loser hitting the gym on a friday night. I'm 21 years old I should be at a party or hanging out with friends. I shrugged that off. I realised that yes I could be doing more fun things but I never enjoy them because I am too busy worrying about how fat I am. So if going to the gym on friday night brings me one more step closer to not being enormous then so be it. And off I went.

Did a solid hour on the bike. Got my usual lovely bums view. *sigh* I thought the gym might be empty with it being a friday night but there was still a decent amount of people in there. That made me feel a whole lot better. The excercise cleared my mind and I came out feeling calm refreshed and absolutely knackered. Needless to say I slept like a log last night and am back on the bandwagon of positivity.

On maybe another positive note... I signed up for a charity run. I know I can barely run in public but it says you don't have to run the entire way, its more about raising money for breast cancer. There are thousands of ladies across England doing it so I saw the ad and signed up immediately. I am not regretting it as yet.  So there is something else to motivate me its a good six months away so I have the oppertunity to be prepared for it. I just hope I don't end up regretting it.

MUST FINISH ESSAY *POOF- dissappears under a stack of books*

The dreaded weigh in...

Woohoo. This is my first one stone loss sticker. OH YEAH I GET A STICKER. 14 hideous pounds down. THREE POUNDS THIS WEEK. three more vile piles of fat *poof* GONE. I can't begin to describe how happy I am. I needed this little milestone. After the week of people getting up in my face about how fat I am, random people no less, I sooooo wanted it. *phew* It happened. Still felt that stomach churning nervousness before I stepped on the scales. I feel like I can actually say I whole heartedly derserve this weeks loss. I exercised hard and ate great. I am going to make this week the deciding week as to whether to keep my post weigh in treat.

Here is me in my pyjamas. My obligatory weigh in reminder.Sexy as usual. Couldn't get any closer to the mirror because my room happens to a giant mess. Another excuse to tidy and not to study me feels. My stone loss is not my only achievement this week :D Not only did I get over my

 gym phobia, I've been back there for two additional workouts. I have also discovered a new buzz for exercise. Leaving the gym after a good sweaty workout makes me feel energetic, happy and productive. Now there is something I thought I'd never say. Wow. When I went back the second time I was pretty sure it wouldn't be as good as my first experience with watching all the lovely bums. I went in and there were no bikesfree at all. I waited a little and it looked they were all set for a while. So I thought I would go upstairs and use the cross trainer in the more closed off area of the gym. Free of people. I was really going at on the cross trainer and two really pretty skinny girls came up and used the machines beside me. The one closest couldn't take her eyes off my progress. She constantly watched my distance. She was going twice as fast me and weighed half as much as me but her watching kind of put me off. Could have down with out her beady eyes. That was soon forgotten.... I looked up and in the corner there was a small weights section and it was now filling up with boys. *sigh* the girl promptly forgotten, I subtly eyed up the boys and finish

ed my workout. Stress free.

AND I WENT SWIMMING. yes. the dreaded swim suit dilemma. I feel like my thighs are still hideous so I decided to wear my work out shorts. That gave me some relief. But my stomach has split into two rolls. And the top roll loves to hang out over my pants. Not cool.  Still, I hope to feel more comfortable with each time I go. Hopefully my badminton partner will be better this week. I miss it. Also this is my second yummy smoothie. Went with the summer fruits. Yummy. It was really was delicious, several people asked to taste it.

Yay to starting another week on a positive. Hope everyone else feels as good.

Ta-dah I made it to the gym...

Today was a great day. (With one blip.) I over came my gym phobia. Phew. But it was a little scary. The introduction session was a little bit scary. Though absolutely no where near what my nightmares tried to tell me it was going to be like. That session was kinda pointless... not worth the 10 pounds it cost me. He basically just walked us round and pointed at things. Follow the instructions on the machine became his mantra. I couldn't stay afterwards because I had to go and study but the really nice girl on reception gave me a free pass for later :D and they let me off with paying for my locker too. hey... so what it was only 20p it all adds up.

Soooo off I went to study. And then after great progess went back to the gym. I was so nervous. Because going to the gym is scary. Lots of people. Machines. Me in my shorts! Its a student gym so its lots of people my age but no fat people like me. That makes me nervous, a room full of already toned people maintaining the perfect body. But I thought f**k it. People will be focused on their own workouts to be looking at me. Stop being so self obsessed. I only had half an hour to spare and spent it on one of the exercise bikes. It turned out better than I imagined. The bikes are positioned behind the treadmills but before the weightlifting unit. So in front of me were lots of pretty guys running on the treadmill. And I got the sweet view of all their lovely bums! Which was very very nice. It made me pedal faster. I imagined they were out of my reach and I had to catch up with them. mmm.mmm. I was really worried about how my fat arse and back fat wobbled as I rode but I zoned out to my music and the half an hour I had planned went bY super quick. I came out and felt good. Not sure what 7 was on the distance column, miles or kilometres or whatever. I did 7. And it made my body sweat and move so yay. AND I DID IT IN MY SHORTS.

The blip, of my otherwise great day, was as I was waiting for the bus into university a car full of boys slowed down as they past me and yelled out 'fatty'. This is the second time this week that random people have made fat gestures at me. I don't get it. Just why? People say bad things come in threes but I really really hope not :( I don't think I could take another fat jibe. Maybe I need tougher skin but man it's just not nice. I don't understand why people need to tell me I'm fat. I KNOW I AM BLOODY FAT. I can actually see myself. I feel it. It just makes me want to scream out. I AM TRYING TO LOSE THIS F**CKING WEIGHT. CUT ME SOME SLACK. *deep breath* Venting over. Nasty language too. *cringes*

More than any other of the weigh ins so far I want to lose this week more than ever. Just to feel like I am on track, that I am doing it, just to prove to those people who I shouldn't even care about that I can do it. And also it would make my month if I make my first stone loss. 

good stuff... and lists!

It's my final night at home and it's been a rollercoaster of a week (and a bit) but a great learning curve. Definitely learnt alot. Which is great. I am sad to leave home but in another way I am glad to go back to Manchester. I am determined to make another 3 pound loss this week just to reach my first stone loss!

Things that I have learnt...
[a] my body has limits to exercising and that I must listen to them.
[b] Pizza cravings are nasty and I must keep an eye on them.
[c] That I can have a post weigh in treat and not over worry.

[d] that children can be unbelievingly cruel.

[e] pizza hut is expensive.

[f] that when I am upset the exercise bike is a really great thing to calm me down.

[g] keeping a motivation diary helps more than I ever thought it would.

[h] what nsv actually means.

[i] the bloggers I have come across on my journey are great people and are extremely inspirational.

[j] my weight loosing is a long term goal, I finally accepted that.

[k] i can't do my hair the way the hairdresser did it.

[l] I secretly like running when no one watches.

[m] I have never had this much energy ever.

On another positive note I bought a blender. After reading Definitely No More Cheesepuffs and learning of her crazy r.ship with her blender I decided to invest. Mine is no way near as high tec or so expensive but OHHHHHH YES. Made my first one this morning (with limited supplies) and it was delicious. A nice alternative to my usual solid breakfasts. Very refreshing. Yum Yum. Looks a little bland but hey... creativity is just around the corner.

<<<<>

My motivation diary is on a roll. I have taken to writing every thing down that I hate about being fat. Stuff like the kids at pizza hut or not fitting comfortably on a seat on the bus. And it is building up quite heavily. Which I hate and love at the same time. I love it because it is definitely motivating me more but I also hate it because its a lot of bloody reasons and I've just let these things affect me for soooooo long and I shouldn't have. Some of them are soooo embarassing. I mentioned before about writing the list of reasons I no longer wanted to be fat and I think Allison said I should post it but looking at it right now I am sooooooo not ready for anyone else to read it. Maybe one week soon. Other things to motivate me are pictures of me. I pretty much find all photographs of me repulsive. My ex boyfriend told me to make a collection of them and look at them regularly to accept who I am, was and will be. But also to see how much I have changed. So sometime soon I'm gonna post my ugly pics in order to get them out of fat closet. Accept them and move on. I'm going to start with this one of my exercise attire. EURGH

this ones a biggie...

After yesterdays three pound loss I had THE most intense pizza craving ever. Which I still find strange because I only started liking pizza like this last year. The last six weeks have of cutting out pizza have been really hard. I thought it would be harder to cut out the sweets but I'm finding it's the pizza that's the killer. I had a slip up the other week with pizza when I was not so hot after getting my wisdom tooth out. That wasn't about craving though that was about ease. I bounced back from it and worked hard to keep it off. In the end I didn't gain that week but I didn't lose either. It was an appropriate outcome for that week no matter how hard I still wanted to lose.

Last week was my sisters birthday and even though I didn't over indulge, the Chinese take out and the small piece of cookie cake I had had enough fat to block an artery. That pleased me still because once I stray from the routine it is usually the end of the end of end. But I didn't I managed to keep it to that minimal bit of excess. I knew it would weigh heavy on my mind (no pun intended :P) so I exercised as my much as my fat legs would let me. And it paid it off. I lost three pounds and still had my cake and had eaten it.

Which leads me to last night. This time round (it is my second major effort to lose weight) I have been forgoing my post weigh in treat. I did it the first time round and still lost every week. But this time I was adamant that there were no more treats. It has to be hardcore. However, not allowing myself small treats and being 100 percent healthy food 24/7 was giving me bad thoughts like, well I'm ill and can't go out so pizza will be OK because I've been so good. I surprised at how much it came easily to just use that as an excuse. That's when I binged on the aeros and stuff and stayed the same weight that week. Not a happy week. So last night I gave into the pizza beast.

I came to the conclusion that if I allow myself this one weekly treat I will have no reason to binge or stray from my regular regime. And that this unhealthy food would happen on my terms. So I am going to try it out. I figured if I can work off the slice of cake and the Chinese take-out and still lose three pounds then I can work off the pizza and stuff. I shall see how it goes.

What actually went down last night... was kinda weird. I just commented to CactusFreak that I wasn't a big pizza hut fan but after my weigh in I was craving pizza and decided to go up to Newcastle to meet my sister there for dinner. Couple of things I noticed in there were [a] the service was appalling, [b] it was a bit pricey (then again I was comparing it to takeout pizza places) [c] the actual pizza I had that afternoon was nigh on orgasmic. I do regret sharing a starters platter of chicken things, garlic bread and wedges with my sister. That was just excess. I make absolute no excuse for it. None. Pure greed. I went there for pizza I should have stuck with the pizza. I kinda just let it happen because I was having such a great time catching with my sister. But that's where the niceness ended. Across the table was a man and three kids. Every time he left the table the two young boys would point at me and laugh. It went on for quite a while. Even when their dad returned. The youngest of the two started making fat gestures at me. Holding out his arms round his waist extending it and pretending it wobbled and puffing out his cheeks. His dad just laughed it off. It was not fun. I'd already finished my meal and they made me want to throw it back up. I couldn't wait to leave. Even as we were walking down the street, he turned and still made the gestures. The only positive I took away from it was that I didn't cry.

So ignoring that and feeling full to the brim I set off to go to my first every poetry 10 x 10. Awesome night. Will definitely go back. I wasn't planning on spending any thing let alone having a drink but the friends I went with bought in rounds and even though I protested they wouldn't take no for an answer so instead of drinking my usual sugar overdoes formerly known as cider I relented and went for a low point gin and tonic. Kept it down to three. *phew* I mean they are soooooooo refreshing but after pizza hut fiasco I didn't want to blow out completely.

Then something really interesting happened. I was quite late and was going to miss the last metro back to my sisters place so I had to run. Physically run. IN PUBLIC. I never run. Well, never in public. The odd family game of rounders or cricket but never on the street. So I ran to the metro and made it just in time. However, it was already running late so that made me even later to catch the last bus home. So more running. This time I had to step it up. It was not pretty. My jeans had fallen down slightly even though I was wearing my belt on its last notch and my shirt had ridden up but there was nothing I could do I was mid run and didn't want to spend the night in the city alone. By the time I got to the stop the bus had pulled up and I was so out of breath I almost couldn't say my destination. So on the bus I recovered and all was well... until I missed my stop (my sister said she would be there waiting and wasn't) and ended up in the bus depot. No taxis anywhere. No more running buses. Gargh. Feeling a little bit panicky ( it was gone midnight and it was very dark and I'd never been there before) I had to walk super fast to meet my sister. Thirty minutes of brisk walking later I was at my sisters place and I was bloody well knackered. So I figure that contributes a little to working off my pizza fiasco. Slept well.

Today so far I have walked the dog for thirty minutes. Brisk walking with a little bit of running. I like the running when no ones around. It makes me feel exhilarated lol even if I am not really going far or that fast. I am also about to do some cycling on my standalone bike. Then hit some wii time. I reckon I can still work off the pizza and hit my one stone target. BRING ON ANOTHER THREE POUNDS THIS WEEK.

p.s just want to say massive thanks to the people who commented yesterday :D

the dread weigh in...

.... went well. Lost another THREE POUNDS. However, it was not a smooth weigh in. Last night I thought I'd casually just quickly check my weight. Not fun. It was really stupid as I had just eaten as well. I was gutted and feared the worst for today. In retrospect I shouldn't have done the pre weigh the night before but I wanted a loss so badly because I've been exercising more this week. But my exercise this week HAS paid off even though I thought it was soooo little. It shows that that all the little bits add up.

Needless to say I am beaming and have a large ounce of energy in my step today. My mam also sported a weightloss this week. Even though I whinged yesterday about not bullying my family into losing weight I think my 'encouragement' has rubbed off on my mam because she too exercised more than usual this week.

However once I got off the scales my first thought was oooooo I've been so good I could treat myself to some pizza.... but its never just some.... its ENORMOUS AMOUNTS. *banishes the thought*

lots of learning

I have actually learnt a few little things today which makes me feel great. From going to no exercise to lots of exercise my body is definitely feeling the strain but when I when I was cycling earlier I was aiming for a kilometre. I figured it sounded like a nice easy figure to target. But half way my hip started to really hurt and instead of listening to my body I went on and did the kilometre anyway. Stupidly. 'Cause my hip hurt for hours afterwards... I realised that just like my food intake, exercise needs moderation. I felt much more comfy doing the half kilometre all week and should have continued with that much longer til I felt ready for more. So now I will do it in stages, so yes half a kilometre at a time doesn't sound like a lot but it DOES feel like it and I have to respect that.

When I was eating dinner tonight something my mam mentioned before about something she saw on the Paul McKenna show (hes the hypnotherapist guy) made me think. He suggests that after every mouthful of food you put down both your knife and fork on the table and only pick them up when your mouthful of food is completely swallowed. I did it for the entirety of meal. I realised several things:

one. before I started doing it I always had my next mouthful perched on my fork before I'd finished chewing. Guaranteeing that I would eat it even if I was full.

two. It made me chew properly and think about how automatic it is to just shovel in food.

three. I was full before I even realised and that allowing that small amount of time between bites made a difference.

four. I actually left something utterly delicious on my plate and had no desire to scoff it down because it would be wasted.

Also I realised that because I have started my weightloss journey my family should start theirs. I think this week I have been too pushy and overly rude about it. I guess they will start their journey when they are ready and not when I bully them into it. All I know is that they will definitely benefit from it like I am and right now I like how I am going along. It has sooooo many benefits.

blogging and blah

I am trying to get in the habit to blog everyday so that I don't lose focus and give up. But earlier today I was telling Carlos (if someone should be reading this post, check out his blog) that I had a blogging block and couldn't even think of anything worthwhile to say. That all changed when my lovely mam suggested I cook one of my healthy meals for the entire family. At first I was like, nooooooooo way I barely survive cooking for myself. However she was tired and my dad is ill so I thought I'll keep it very simple... I went with sausage and pasta combo. Whole meal pasta, low fat sausage and yummy Italian chilli and tomato sauce. THEY LOVED IT. That made me feel pretty good. They're not sooooo much about the healthy eating right now, well my mam is, but everyone else isn't. I tried them out with my healthy eating size portions... lol... that didn't go down so well with my dad and brother but my mam couldn't finish hers. It made me feel good to actually cook for my parents. They were extremely grateful which made me feel more wonderful. I usually hate cleaning the dishes but today it zoomed by. Some times small things can make you mega happy. *sigh*



Didn't exercise much today but did work my arse off cleaning the entire upstairs of my grandmas house. Cleaning can be hard work-oh. Didn't stop for two hours straight. Kinda hurt my back a lil stretching up to put things away but no lasting damage. Tomorrow I feel will be a different day entirely. Though I need to start studying I shall devote-oh some time-oh to exercise-oh. I WILL.

Tough SHIT...

It seems there are alot of birthdays this week. Some people love 'em some hate 'em. I think they're ok... its the stupid food that gets me. Even though I didn't do too badly on my sisters birthday I still wasn't the best. God knows how much fat was in that Chinese food. And even though I've been exercising like mad since, nothings happening. Which leads to another thing that is upsetting my postive attitude from yesterday. I keep checking the scales to see if the exercise is paying off.

GARGH. I always tell other people, don't get weighed everyday. Your weight fluctuates sooo much its not healthy checking every day, just do it once a week. And here I am checking it morning, noon and night. It's depressing. I keep blaming the reason nothings changing on the scales because they're not my scales and its not in my usual spot. And that I'm at my family's house and not my lovely little place.

Despite not seeing the magic numbers on the scale I am pretty sure I can feel a change physically. I can no longer see my belly sticking out past my boobs, makes me feel a little better. But I am feeling utterly utterly miserable. Infact I am stupidly crying as I write this. I thought coming home would relieve some stress but it just seems to increase it.

stepping up...

Feeling positve today...

Because I have stuck to my word. Increased my exercise this week and it's not even Monday yet. Which is giving me more hope for Thursday's weigh-in. I've rode 1.25k on my bike so far. This disheartened me a little because I look at it and think is that all? It's not far at all but I looked back on my bike time and I had stopped because I was tired and hurting. So pushing myself further would not have been worth it. And going from no exercise to exercise I have to take it steady.

I discovered I love taking the family dog for a walk. My family home is near a little wooded area and despite the mud and ice right now, its really pretty. I've only walked her twice but it made me feel so good. I don't consider myself an outdoors type person but walking outside in the crisp air made me feel wonderful and alive. FRESH AIR. Just watching Mia race around the woods gave me energy. I think I have finally found that little buzz from exercise that some of the bloggers talk about. GOOD. It would be hard if I hated exercising.

Wii-ing it. Some don't consider it exercise but some of the activities leave me out of breath and sweating I figure it can't be that bad. I did alot of boxing on it, phew, I stunk afterwards. I worked my little socks off. And doing it regularly has increased the mobility in my arms tenfold. Though I feel my arms haven't lost any weight. Still got those hideous bingo wings. Eurgh.

I'm also feeling good about not over binging on my sisters birthday. I had a small piece of her delicous cookie cake and though my body screamed for more and more I managed to keep to that one slice. Also we had a chinese take out. I didn't eat it all like I usually I do, even if I'm not hungry. And I didn't eat the half my mother leaves either. It was a small step to moderation. But it could have been way worse.

I have more energy and that can only be a good sign. *fingers crossed I stick with it*

the hair cut bug

I've mentioned before that the blogs I have been reading have been quite inspirational to me but today Fat Lazy Guys blog made me physically do something.

I was walking around town busy picking up my sisters birthday present and this women approached me. No one likes being approached on the street! I tried to shrug her off and walk away but then some thing she said made me stop. She was offering out free haircuts. I asked her what the catch was... No one gives away anything for free. So I thought screw it I'll do it. And I did.

The hair dressing place is usually quite expensive so I was like hell yeah. But after arriving there I had second thoughts. Sitting in the chair and looking round, all I saw was these beautiful, well dressed skinny people. My heart slumped. I sat there in the chair and even though it was extremely hot in there I zipped my jacket up to my neck so no one could see my lumps and bumps. Then I sat worrying if I was sweating. It was a tad uncomfortable. So to avoid the people I looked into the mirror.

BIG MISTAKE. The lighting was super bright. I could see every blemish, spot or slightly red mark on my face. Not pretty. Then I saw my double chin. EURGH. It almost made me cry. I didn't realise it had become so prominant. I stopped the tears and realised now was not the time to cry like a baby but just add to the list of reasons I don't want to be fat. For a little while I closed my eyes then engaged in mindless chit chat with the hairdresser. *sigh* I just wanted it to be over.

Then bam. It was. And I loved my new haircut. I thanked her and walked out quickly. Once I hit the street I walked with a little more confidence than I had earlier and I did feel better. Alot better. I smiled as I finished the rest of my shopping. I felt happy. I still do. Even though I felt uncomfortable and super fat it was worth it in the end. And it was free.

Sometimes you just have to focus on the positve. I am learning...

Winning and Losing....

Today was weigh in day. The dreaded day. I haven't had the best week with food and done little exercise. I stayed the same. No loss. No gain. But I feel super guilty. I was 100 percent sure I was going to gain. I feel kind of guilty I didn't, like I cheated or something. Last night I had a bit of a panic and did a small workout but in reality it wouldn't affect todays weigh in. I should feel happy that I didn't gain. Now I'm left feeling stupid that I feel guilty. Would I really rather gain?

NO. That was last week. New week, new focus! Had a great nights sleep. And theres barely any pain from my tooth so definitely new excuses. None. I have energy and lots and lots of errands so I should get on it! One blog that has really inspired me is Chubby Chicks. And on reading it I saw a blog entry that really interested me. She had written down all the reasons she didn't want to be fat. I thought this was a great idea. So last night I made my own list of why I don't want to be fat. So far I have sixty four reasons and counting... Reading it back after furiously scribbling for half an hour made me realise how much I really truely want to lose this hideous weight. Some of the things I wrote down made me want to cry from embarrassment. So when I'm having a bad day or feeling crap I hope to look back on this list and have it renew my motivation and whip my arse into gear.

There are alot of other blogs that have inspired me and have given me ideas to motivate myself. But one idea at a time. Looking at my weekly weigh in picture is filling my veins with energy as we speak. Repulsion can be quite a strong emotion. I hate those lumps and bumps and my enormous middle. So on that note I am off to do something about it....

the good, the bad and the ugly...

I almost did something bad last night. Worse than if I had gained weight this week. I almost lied on a blog entry. Almost. The thought was there. I wanted to write that all I had this week was those two pasties and the McDonalds. THAT WOULD HAVE BEEN A LIE. I went a little further and had several aero bars... a few packets of monster munch crisps and pizza. Not just a slize, a gigantic full half of pizza with a mass of cheese and pepperoni. Unlike the McDonalds that tasted scrumptious.

I didn't lie. In the end. I realised that all I would be doing is cheating myself. I don't want that. I want to lose the weight. I need to lose the weight. ok. ok. It's one bad week. I still have several days to my weigh in. I CAN PULL IT BACK. I WILL PULL IT BACK. It is not the end of the world.

On a good note... My wisdom tooth came out. Almost no pain, a slight jaw ache but thats it. I wasn't even groggy. Minimum bleeding too. This makes life easier. I have a better chance of clawing a loss back this week. This has definitely put me in a good mood and is encouraging for this weeks food shop.

Next week will definitely test me. I am going home for an entire week. I find it the hardest to be active and eat healthy there but if I can conquer this I feel it will be a huge boost. I figure that now I'm going to be there longer I will be able to get into a rhythm rather than if I were there for a short weekend arriving and leaving late, weird hours don't help. I will have no excuse not to walk the dog either. And now they have a wii I can do my little boxing exercises and what not.

right enough of sitting on my arse... theres lots to be done!!!

extreme ups and downs

Today has been a bit of a rollercoaster. And not the fun kind. My emotions have been up and down hourly. And in a down hour I went to McDonalds. Big Mac Meal. LARGE. and I ate someone elses fries. (my mothers, not some randomer) I just honed in on the comfort junk food zone and went for it. It wasn't particularly tasty but felt very comfortable. Too comfortable and oh so easy. :( I didn't even eat at an appropriate time. three pm. I don't even remember being hungry. This just reminds me how easy I get sucked into being sidetracked.

A McDonalds. Two pasties. Gargh. I tried to burn off some calories. But only manage 0.25 kilometres on the exercise bike. I was aiming for an entire kilometre. *deep sigh* End of the day feeling like utter shite.

not good. not good at all.

ups and downs...

It's already one day after weigh in. Already I feel crap. I've read alot of blogs since yesterday and learnt alot of stuff. Last night I felt so positive but today *poof* gone like magic. And I lost three pounds!!!! So why am I feeling crap? Good question. Several excusable answers...

[a] I still feel a bit shitty from my chest infection

[b] I was very late in getting to the trainstation and in haste bought TWO MEAT PASTIES!

[c] I'm home with the family and have already written this week off as a loss.

[d] I have realised that the weight I have lost so far is just the weight I put on over christmas so essentially I am back at sqaure one

[e] Monday I am having my wisdom tooth out, I'm not worried about that itself but the fact I will be in agony and not feel like exercising

[f] Knowing that this week will result in loss worries me further because I tend to give up at the first failure.

Probably alot of that is over dramatised but thats how I feel. ok lets take them one at at time

[a] to be honest I haven't had the best nights sleep. Just as my infection died and I was set for a good nights sleep, my neighbours upstairs argued til 2am. And I had to be up early for my friday morning lecture. This has left me tired and a little grumpy.



[b] That said I was tired and running late for my train and headed straight for the express bakery outside the station. It was quick and easy and cheap, I reasoned. All thoughts of weightloss and my progress immediately flew out of the window. And you know what? It didn't even taste that nice. Yet I had to have TWO! Now I feel disheartened and very very guilty. But I must stay positive. In the past one mistake was my entire downfall. Just give up, easy peasy. Just looking at makes me feel sick to my stomach. It just reminds me how weak I am sometimes. MUST BE STRONGER. new mantra I feel.

[c] My family are not the healthiest of eaters and I love coming home to see them. But it worries me alot. I should probably lose weight just from the stress of thinking 'bout it! (never happens, but *shrugs*) It's more out of laziness than anything I guess. I trick myself into thinking I'm making it easier for them but I could cook my own meals. I COULD JUST SAY NO. I talk myself into...its only a couple of days... I can easily work that off. BOOM. Next thing I know I'm in a dark slump.

[d] I sadly realised, when pointing out my success so far to my flatemate, that actually the weight that has come off is just christmas weight. So really I am exactly where I was last year. SQUARE ONE. Which is certainly a little disheartening. It made me put into perspective how much weight I have to actually lose. That depressed me a little further. :( What I am learning from this blog already is my weaknesses but also my strengths. So even my fears of no one caring about it or reading it are slowly evaporating. After all I am doing this for myself.

[e] Next week is a worry because I've been told I'll be in agony from it and I have to rest with it for a couple of days anyway. Which means little or no exercise. Erratic sleeping patterns. Which means quick easy meals. All adds up to weight gain. But it has to be done. I must remain positive and just deal with it when it comes. I can always work harder next week. I just need to focus and stop being over dramatic and over worrying, It won't be the end of the world. *nods* a minor set back.

[f] Worrying about the gain is not going to do me any good. Accept it and move on. Stay positive. new mantra working well...

NO MORE EXCUSES.

almost a year on...

... And nothing much has changed in the fat status. Still fat. As you can see. Well actually I think I am a little bit heavier. And I completely I forgot I started this blog to encourage me to lose weight. I only made one post. HOW SHIT IS THAT? so from this moment effort increased 100 percent.

Over the last three weeks I have committed myself to the slimming world diet. I know, I know fad diets are not the best. But.... I know that this works for me and has been working. My first week I lost 5 pounds... second week I stayed the same mostly due to over indulging at several days of not living at home and hanging out with friends. This week despite being ill I managed to lose three pounds. 8 pounds three weeks. Not to bad. I am eating healthy. Ten times healthier than the last time I made an entry. So I mean... progress is happening. Slowly, slowly but better than nothing,

Finally found a sport I enjoy.. badminton... playing an hour a week. It feels good though I must admit I am the worst badminton player ever. But who cares about the points when the pounds are coming off right? I leave the court feeling exhilorated and happy but also with brightest red face you ever and I am puffing like a steam engine. That is a small price to pay. Another way I am looking to exercise is through the wii. I hate the idea of working out in a gym. I have been to several and the people there are already slim and are just maintaining the perfect body shape not trying to acheive it. And I always feel like I am being stared at. With the wii I can play as long as I like, for free, in my own comfy clothes and never have to leave the flat. The boxing section is where I work out most. I do it til I am out of breath and read faced. It's working. I play it everyday for 1 hour or so. I feel now I have more mobility in my arms.

My mother is an amazing rock to me and a great support network but I feel I need to talk to more people my age and my weight. Gain more perspective more help. But also maybe help and encourage others...

*gone to investigate*