*slacker alert slacker alert*

Yesterday and today I've pretty much slacked exercise wise. No real excuses. I did spend four hours cleaning out two of my grans cupboards (omg she is such a hoarder... there were tins of food in there from like 2000) and I did go to the gym. But it was such a half arsed effort. I could feel I wasn't in to it properly. Also I did not do my week two day 2 c25k yesterday. It pissed it down all day and I thought that's OK I'll do it at the gym.... jogging on the treadmill did not work for me. I just couldn't do it. I felt like I was going to fall and the last time I fell off the treadmill I did not get back on one for like two years! (i had treadmill burn) so I chickened out. I have not got my 10k steps in either. I could have done my next c25k thing today but no. Stayed up til 3am playing some stupid face book farm game. but also talking to one of my favourite Texans. So all day I've felt sluggish 'cause I only got 6 hours sleep. I tried to step whilst watching America's biggest loser families but I just slumped in to my Mam's bed and thought fuck it. My water and food have been bang on though.

In fact I am reacquainting myself with lettuce. I hate salad leaves of any kind. But I have actually found I can now eat some lettuce. So I bought some and actively chose to put it one of my sandwiches. As small as this sounds its quite a big step. I have hated salad type stuffs for years and completely pulled it from any sandwich or meal I have ever ever had. NOT ANY MORE. So small victory for me.

I keep harping on about my shrinking belly but the change is REALLY DRAMATIC. and right now it is the only thing that is keeping me going. Yes, I have been sluggish these last two days but tomorrow it stops. Back on track, fully. No excuses. No whining. Just exercising.

whiney wednesday....

Today I am gargh. and emotionally drained. My sister is back to her trouble causing antics and its driving me insane. I never get why she has to be so mean to everyone. She lies in bed til after lunch, she does no chores, she pays for no food and she owes me money. I am sick of her. She doesn't go to bed til late so I have to sleep through what ever shes doing and yesterday I had to have a nap. Between exercising and not sleeping properly it hit me square in the face. I haven't had to nap in a long time and it throws me all off balance. The other night when I was sleeping I could feel something weird, when I opened my eyes my sister was an inch from my face and glaring at me. Scared the hell out of me. Took me ages to get back to sleep and she just laughed. Like today I was tired from her not letting me sleep and as she had to leave early for once she let down the airbed on her way out so I couldn't. That is what I am dealing with. It's not helping.

I still feel a little drained. But I said I'd go over and clean out my grans cupboards. She has food in there from like 5 years ago. lol. shes a hoarder. even with food. Also its day two of the c25k and I am really not looking forward to it. Though once its done, the sense of accomplishment and the feeling that I might have burned some poundage make it worth it. It's just starting it. The weather as usual is MISERABLE. which doesn't help one iota.

The scales have been re-hidden and I have no desire to go looking for them. NONE.
Thats it. Whinge over.

p.s on a positive note. again... my belly is shrinking dramatically. i can see it moving. and feel it getting smaller. woot.

tired tuesday...

I feel super tired today. Drained I think is a better word. Didn't sleep too well but hopefully by the time it comes round for the gym I should be ok. Tuesdays are mine and my lovely mam's gym day. (she goes as part of a get active scheme run by the government so she doesn't pay.) The people in her class are lovely people but they're not workers. They just chat and do stuff half heartedly. So annoying. One lady always wants to chat when I'm working away on the cross trainer. Very distracting so today I am going to go the gym an hour before so I can get a good work out in but still meet my mam later so I can give her some support. Also to make sure shes not just chatting! I am really proud of my Mam's gym progress.

C25k almost killed me. No jokes. I coughed up some phlegm I didn't know I had. I did it later than usual too because I knew it was going to be hard. But with some tough love motivation from a friend I went out into the drizzle and did it. Before I even started the warm out walk I got a pain in my side. lol. I think it was just a phantom one trying to talk me out of doing it 'cause as soon as I started it disappeared. It stopped raining when I made into the second lap of jogging. Which cheered me alot.

Also I forgot to mention.... Friday... I searched the entire house and found the scales. Hidden in a wardrobe. Had a sneaky weigh in. Had me up 5 pounds. That will teach me to go looking for them. I sharp put them back.

Onwards and downwards, people. Definitely downwards.

the really super duper dreaded suicidal weigh in.

This is a pic of a heart drawn in the sky by the famous red arrows. Yep. I went to an air show. Pretty dull. Once you get past how amazing and skilful the pilots are and one set of planes do all the twirls and tricks. the next set is just crap. but whatever because I LOST. The air show was on the seaside. Oh the temptations... fish and chips, burgers, hotdogs, icecreams, sweets and beer... the list goes on. Did I succumb? Nope. My will power did not desert me once. I felt pretty chuffed with my self.

That's right 2lbs gone this week. Hopefully this is goodbye to the shitty stale mate I've been stuck on. Woot. Still don't think I am gonna make my mini target by the time I leave for my Ireland trip but right now I do not care. BECAUSE I LOST. Man, it just makes me happy to see the number move. The change in my stomach is looking quite dramatic and not to have it reflected on the scales was just frustrating.

Current weight: 19 stones 6 pounds (272 lbs)
Previous weight: 19 stones 8 pounds (274lbs)
Highest weight: 21 stones 3 pounds (297 lbs)
Weight loss this week: 2lbs GONE
Total weight lost: 1 stone 11 pounds (25 lbs)

I have yet to do my first session of week two c25k. I might have to go to the gym and treadmill it. The rain is not letting up here and its forecast like this for the rest of the week. Also I have a million blogs to catch up on... I thought the weekends were quiet....


Yep. This is the crotch area of my work out trousers. Well and truly fucked. That is the result of effort this last couple of weeks. Also the effects of ginormous thighs that never seem to shrink! But it means I got to buy some new ones. woot. which are nicer and comfier and was greeted with compliments. They're a tighter fit and don't hang loose, which everyone says makes me look slimmer so yay. Apparently my jeans hang down on me like a sack of potatoes and are not flattering. No one ever said that... I WEAR THOSE JEANS ALL THE TIME.

P.S. water, steps and veg all on track. *nods*

P.P.S i discovered I do actually like cucumber. And actually purchased one. *pat on the back to me* Another veg added to the list. Also I tried radish but the verdict is still pending.

saturday mumbles...

I am all about the mentions today. Carlos, over on his blog, mentioned making solid written in stone goal settings, targets for the day and what not. He divided it into fitness and nutrition. Check it out. Inspired by the goal setting ( i always say im gonna do it but NEVER DO) here is my check list:

minimum of 2 litres of water a day.
10, 000 steps.
no longer than 4 hours to blog.
at least 5 portions of fruit/veg.
45 minutes of exercise every day.
at least one form out door exercise.
complete my 30 day sports active on time this time.
plan meals. (especially for weekends away)
save for the cleveland trip.

c25k update: Week one done. I managed to run the last stretch which really cheered me up because on the 6th stretch I was feeling like giving up but that's a step from the first two times where I wanted to give up in the second stretches. Also on this last session I didn't attempt to cough up a lung, I wasn't out as breath as before and I am surprised that my body doesn't ache from it. I may attempt week two... then if it doesn't work I'll just revert back to week one. Fat Lazy Guy who is one of the people doing it with me suggested I combine the first and second week to make it an easier step, that makes a bit of sense. Well I'll attempt the first one and evaluate from there.

TJ (that wily cookin' minx) tagged me so ta-dah. I never tag back so meh. All done.

1. Where is your cell phone? charging...
2. Your hair? birds-nest
3. Your mother? shopping.
4. Your father? bald
5. Your favorite food? chinese!!
6. Your dream last night? dirty ;)
7. Your favorite drink? cider!
8. Your dream/goal? one-derland
9. What room are you in? lounge
10. Your hobby? stalking
11. Your fear? drowing
12. Where do you want to be in 6 years? debtfree
13. Where were you last night? bed
14. Something that you aren’t? tidy
15. Muffins? *drool*
16. Wish list item? imac
17. Where did you grow up? Durham
18. Last thing you did? smiled
19. What are you wearing? towel
20. Your TV? loved
21. Your pets? Mia!
22. Friends? visiting
23. Your life? dull
24. Your mood? energetic
25. Missing someone? nope
26. Vehicle? non-existent
27. Something you’re not wearing? jewellery
28. Your favourite store? bookshop
29. Your favourite colour? blue
30. When was the last time you laughed? minute
31. Last time you cried? week
32. Your best friend? *shrugs*
33. One place that I go to over and over? imac
34. One person who emails me regularly? mikester
35. Favorite place to eat? sofa

grrrrrr!

oh my days a lot went down yesterday.

Lots of family trouble. All my fault. Sister went full on psycho at me and didn't talk to me for like three hours. And I confronted my dad about his promise to my mother that he wouldn't drink alcohol during the week when he came home drunk. After shouting at me, (he got really nasty and I told him I couldn't talk to him like that) he is still not talking to me this morning. But instead of crying and feeling like I was a horrible person who upsets everyone I took a deep breath and realised the only reason both of them got so angry and aggressive towards me because they don't like hearing the truth. And they don't like me standing up for myself either. Think that came as a bit of a shock to both of them. So right now. Fuck them. I am a person and sick of them talking down to me like I was some thing stuck on their shoes. I don't need it.

This is my attempted effort at making turkey patties. More like turkey burgers! I got the recipes from TJ. lol. Mine clearly do not look as yummy as hers. But my dad was not talking to me and was bustling round the kitchen getting in my way, not saying excuse me and actually bumping into me so I couldn't concentrate. So things went a little bit off track. And didn't up quite right. But they tasted yummy and are low calorie so frickin' woot :D thanks TJ...

I had planned to walk to and from the doctors this morning but alas it was pissing it down. And since I don't have an outdoor coat I had to get a ride there. The doctor says everything is fine. All the blood tests came back normal. Healthy healthy healthy apart from being fat, obviously. Blood pressure good. Cholesterol good. He thinks I could have PCOS. but there's nothing he can do about it. Just have to keep losing weight. I told him about hitting a plateau and not losing. He said just to do whatever exercise I do do it for 45 mins at least. Keep eating right and not weigh in weekly. He wants me to do it three monthly. THREE MONTHLY. he seems really nice and straight forward but there's no way I am doing that. He would like me to lose a stone every three months. So he gave me a target of 118kg for the next time I see him (unless I have to go back with another complaint).

I hope the rain lets up soon. I want to do my final C25K of the week. Killer but *fingers crossed*

Problem:
Some of my friends are doing this free hug thing in a couple of weeks (part of a loony toon weekend I'll be involved in) and they want me to go along. However, I'm scared too. What if people don't want to hug me? People don't hug random people... they definitely don't want to hug random fatties. I really don't think I could handle lots of rejection. On the other hand it always looks like a lot of fun and its not like I go anywhere... maybe I can just help out with other crap and not do the hug thing?

I have finally stopped looking for the scales. Not only has my mother hidden it exceptionally well but I am no longer craving to find out the number. After last weeks gain, one day of bad numbers is enough for me. Which is really good because worrying over the scale was really shitty and I definitely do not need shitty right now. POSITIVE THINKING LEADS TO POSITIVE ACTIONS.

Nothing else to report. Exercise bang on. Eating clean and calorietastic. 10,000 steps almost everyday. Water at least 2 litres a day. Attitude? Good, strong, focused and ON IT.
Oh a little nervous about my doctors appointment tomorrow. Finally gonna tell me whats wrong with my period! Oh the joy.


c25k side note: the second one did not go any easier. infact my body is screaming NO MORE PLEASE SIMONE NOOOOO.... i think i may have to repeat week one. sucky. Because I was only jogging the intervals and gasping for breath like there was really no tomorrow. and they guy on the pod cast was all you shouldn't be out of breath blah blah blah. better lose some poundage with it or else...

embracing death the c25k way.

I can't believe day two of c25k is here already. My body is saying nooooooooooo. The windy wet weather is saying nooooooo. Me? I AM SAYING HELL YES. I have to do it. I need to complete it and I hope this exercise will be key to me losing some ACTUAL poundage this week. I think I am the only one really struggling with it. Seems to be going smoothly for the others *sad face* but I am not them. So power on. *nods*...

The weather is looking shit for the rest of the week too so I better just get on with it. Where the frick is summer? Here in England we had like 5 days of sunshine, more specifically here in Durham its been storms and rain since. I don't even own a rain coat (stupid for living in England I know) so its not like I can just say ah fuck it I walk anyways... Can't afford a new coat either so... anyhoo I am now whining. So less of that.

Eating on plan. Even left some calories so I could even have a few drinks at the comedy place last night. Ended up only having one vodka and diet coke so woot to me. Wasn't so full of chuckles though, one of my friends found out his wife was cheating on him, he confronted her and she moved out and the comedy night did naught to relieve the pain, even if only temporary. But I am gald he came and didn't spend the night alone and miserable in the house. *sigh* right. gonna catch up on a few blogs and then hit the garden for my alive/dead c25k business. keep your fingers crossed this one doesn't kill me.

the calm after the leg chopping.

ok ok so I didn't cut off my leg. I was this close [ ] to doing it. But what can I say...I'm kinda attached to it! (bad jokes = the only jokes I can tell) Thanks to every one who gave me so much encouragement to keep going and not chop off my leg. Also hello new followers... 71... nice number!

Yes, the pound gain is discouraging but as everyone keeps saying forget about the number on the scale and I am getting healthier. My belly is shrinking. I can do alot more stuff because I lost that little bit of weight. There are too many benefits to give up now and its about long term health not short term numbers. Saying that I will be mightily pissed off next week if nothing shifts on the damn scale. I think it just sucks that for the first time in ages I am finally working my socks off to get this weight off and it feels like nothing is happening and then doing considerably less one week and losing alot. FRUSTRATING. ok no more whining about it. The gain is in the past. Moving onwards....

Oh my days. I started the couch to 5k programme yesterday. OH MY FRICKIN' GOD. Seriously harder than I anticipated. I have never done anything that made me feel so alive but like I am dying at the same time, ever. It was intense. It really showed how unfit I was. I sweated like there was no tomorrow, almost coughed up a long and fell down a small hole in which the dog is digging trying to escape the garden. Before I began my thighs were still burning from the lunges I did the day before but I wanted to do the c25k thing if it killed me. I am so proud I pushed through the burn. I am doing it with Mary and Fat Lazy Guy and I think there are a few others now too... some people have already started it like fat[free]me. KUDOS.

If doing this programme doesn't make me drop some poundage then I don't know what will.
Over and out.

Hopping Mad weigh in.

This is the knife that I am using to cut off my leg. We don't own any kind of saw. I checked the shed.

Ta dah. My one hundreth post. I didn't think it would be a dramatic affair but alas it is.

Like I promised. I am cutting off my leg. Which means, that's right people, say it with me, A BIG FAT GAIN. I have no idea how but I managed to gain a frickin' pound. I exercised like a demon on crack. I ate perfectly. I chugged the water. I gained.

I had a deal with Carlos. If I didn't lose this week after the stay the same last week. I was allowed to cry. And I did. Stoopid. Felt a bit sorry for myself. Threatened to quit this journey right here and now. Thank god for the wise parental advice that followed. I am glad they got over my snapping at them to comfort me.

The c25k I am starting today sure is gonna be hard with one leg... wish me luck!

Current weight: 19 stones 8 pounds (274 lbs)
Previous weight: 19 stones 7 pounds (273lbs)
Highest weight: 21 stones 3 pounds (297 lbs)
Weight loss this week: A BIG FAT GAIN
Total weight lost: 1 stone 9 pounds (23 lbs)

uneventful 99

ooooo post number 99 today. don't expect an epic 100th its going to be weigh in....

It's just gone 8.30am, already up, showered and breakfast. Early for me... I don't surface til 9 usually and I think that's frickin' early. But our dog has a water infection, bless her, and needs to be let outside every 10 minutes so I got like 4 hours sleep. It's pissing it down constantly here so every time she comes back she has to be towel dried and apparently *I* am the only one who can hear her crying to get out... which is funny because I sleep right next to my sister and I know she hears... *rant over*

It does not feel like July. Storms again last night and torrential downpours are due all weekend so it looks like the workouts are going to be wii orientated. (I really hate my local gym now. Manchester's gym is tooooooo awesome). I was talking to fellow blogger big_mummy and said if I don't lose this week after these last two awesome weeks of being super on it I am going to chop off my leg. I figure I lose a lot of weight right there and then the hopping will increase it further.... I AM SERIOUS.

Besides not really doing much since I got back from Manchester I just feel like I am waiting for weigh in. My mind is constantly thinking have I? I've worked hard I should lose but I bet I won't. Can't wait til I just know. Visually the belly is changing a lot but I am not feeling a loss. Maybe (big_mummy suggested) it is because I am no longer checking everyday on the scales so waiting longer for progress feels no progress.

Also I would like to do a shout out... check out this amazing lady if you don't already. I am so frickin' happy (super jealous of) for her this week. She inspires me a lot and I love reading what shes got to say. LEARNING TO BE LESS.

(small note: some people asked about Manchester. I live there while I study at uni but have come home for the summer to Durham to save money while my flatmate comes back from her round the world trip. Manchester = big awesome city Durham = tiny sleepy villages)

manchester and shizzle

OK who missed me? jokes... Completely forget I was skedaddling off to Manchester for a couple of days to stay with my friend Rob (a.k.a plague rat). Was a little bit worried I wouldn't stay on plan but I DID. Awesomely too I might add. Ate perfectly. Went to the gym twice. Only for an hour each time but I rocked that frickin' cross trainer. I miss my old gym. FULL OF HOTTIES. I miss perving on them as I work out. It makes the tiny gym here suck, in fact I am not looking forward to going back to this one. great things

I got from my mini trip...

1. i discovered i love houmous (sp?)
2. prevented an almighty binge by buying a new bag instead.
3. i am not going clothes shopping til i lose like 100 pounds
4. i can go to the cinema and not snack
5. i got in over 15.000 steps each day
6. a break from all the drama at home
7. its great not to sleep on an air bed
8. i frickin' love manchester. i miss it sooooo much.
9. i finally got the sticker and the simpson stamps Tricia sent me.
10. i went to see public enemy. AWESOME.
11. discovered an amazing delicatessen.
12. rob was super nice. drove me lots of places :D
13. didnt eat any of the chocolates i got to thank him with

However I did have a mini meltdown. I vowed I wouldn't do it til I was sure that I had moved down a size. I thought I had my. stomach has shrunk quite a lot but the thighs are not moving. the fat underneath my belly button has decreased a heck of a lot but above is not budging and creating a horrid over hang. so now downsize in the clothes department. i just snapped and then cried. and felt shitty. and was this close [ ] to going over to krispy kremes an stuffing my face but then I spotted the bag. and it calmed me. quickly purchased it and all was right with the world and i am so happy i saw it because I do not need doughnuts right now. I NEED TO SUCK IT UP AND STOP WHINING AND JUST DEAL.

below are some awesome pictures. my new funky bag that i totally LOVE and ofcourse the sticker and cool stamps i got from Tricia :D

weigh in...

This was my first full week with out checking the scale everyday. And I have to admit no matter how much I enjoyed not stressing everyday I liked knowing those numbers. The build up of not knowing sucked. Last night I was really anxious and fidgety. And today I am not feeling positive at all.


Here are the numbers. A BIG FAT STAY THE SAME.
Current weight: 19 stones 7 pounds (273 lbs)
Previous weight: 19 stones 7 pounds (273lbs)
Highest weight: 21 stones 3 pounds (297 lbs)
Weight loss this week: A BIG FAT ZERO
Total weight lost: 1 stone 10 pounds (24 lbs)

No I am not happy. Yes I had the one really bad meal. I made one shitty decision. But from that I have worked out like a mo'fo this week to pull it back. I even frickin' RAN. I did the big workouts on my sports active. I RAN laps in the garden. I even did one of the work outs in the garden. I had two extra long walks. I ate cleanly and within my calories. I chugged water like it was fricking water and for what? To work off that one shitty meal. I can't even blame this on my period because it ended it two bloody days ago. I am angry at myself for that one fricking bad choice but I have ate worse and worked out less and LOST MORE. So I am angry about that too. I AM JUST PLAIN ANGRY. can you tell? I just feel like this week was pretty worthless. My mood has been up and down. But it felt like my belly had shrunk some and theres loose skin starting on thighs so I thought a loss might be possible. I feel like giving up. I AM NOT GOING TO but I feel like it. I just hate this week and now I am starting this new one really shitty too.

A day for running?

I only ever run on the spot, just for stuff like the wii fit and sports active. And it seems like a great calorie burner. The only thing is I can't do it for long and I hate doing it in public. But last night when I was walking the dog alone in the scary scary woods I did a lil bit of running. Small bursts. And although it left me puffing like a frickin' steam engine I felt really really good about it. By the time me and the dog made it home we were cream crackered. (knackered) :D

On another positive running note FLG and Mary both want to do the couch to 5k with me. FLG posted about it ages ago and I wanted to try and do it for the charity thing but never stepped up. When FLG feels better (he got an icky cold but not swine flu) we're going to do it. I think its cool that we're doing it as a group because then we can compare the stages and how its working out and stuff. Support is the way forward. Any one else wanna do it? More the merrier.

We went for lunch the other day (instead of dinner) to celebrate my brother passing his driving test (pretty cool 'cause he loves driving he offers to take me places... not soooooooo good for his w.loss plans though) and I did not make the right decisions. Nope. You think that posting about it, talking it over, knowing there are healthier options would solve half the problem. NO. I still ended up going in there with the fuck it mentality. The 'I've been really good all week one ginormous fatty meal won't hurt, I'll work it right off' attitude. That's a sucky attitude right there.
I thought doing the 5k walk in just over an hour would cover my back. Then my period arrived although a shock to the system I had only one day of pain, minor cramps and then nothing. No heavy bleeding as usual. Kinda scary but it means I didn't have the excuse not to work out. And I have worked out. I have walked. I have stepped.

It does not feel like enough. I thought I felt like I had lost this week but alas now I am fearing again. And yes, sadly, today (even after yesterdays attempt to diss the scale) I miss the scale. I miss knowing which way it is going. I hate this uncertainty of wondering and waiting for frickin' Monday to arrive....

But right now I am going to burn those shitty feelings off with a small but energetic run/jog/walk. YEAH. TAKE THAT SHITTY ATTITUDE.

life with out the scale

In an attempt to not miss checking my scales 10 to hundred times a day (since my mother has well and truely hidden it... did attempt a sneaky look for it but did not prevail) I am making a list of all the none positives I do not need a scale to tell me. so here goes....

1. My body is 10 times more healthier than when I started in January.

2. I am now on the last notch of my belt. I had to have three extra holes punched into it.

3. My thighs are at least 3 inches smaller (according to the last measuring)

4. It is no longer an embarrassing struggle to tie my shoe laces.

5. When I look down I can no longer see my belly stick out further than my boobies.

6. My favourite hoody is now hanging off me and can only be worn around the house :D

7. My body no longer actively protests to exercise. In fact a lot of the time it bloody well enjoys it.

8. The top half my body now enjoys at least a one size smaller in the clothes department

9. I feel great for losing what I've lost so far

10. I enjoy the healthier food and how it makes me feel.

surprise surprise

Well yesterday did not go calmly! Just before lunch my period surprised me. (I've been having lots of problems with it and pretty much turns up when it likes... on time... 3-6 weeks late it doesn't care) however I had no telltale signs it was approaching. SURPRISE. As the cramps kicked in. Just came on so frickin' sudden. Just when I had mustered some energy my body just wanted to scream out fetal position NOW fetal position NOW. I did manage to have some calorie counted delicious chocolate later to calm me down but before that I had to phone amazon, play.com and the bank. It took two calls to Amazon. One lady didn't understand my English. ENGLISH. The next one called me Simon.After I repeatedly had to confirm my name. SIMONE. SIMONE. SIMONE. SEE-MOAN not SIGH-MUN. That's when I snapped. They told me they couldn't redeliver and would have to refund me the money and re order the book. She told me to calm down. *deep breath* play.com and the bank went a lot smoother, maybe they could sense the surprise period wrath. *deeeeeep breath* sorry rant over.

Feeling much more positive. Calmer. It did feel good to be angry y.day. My brother passed his driving test so he got to chose how to celebrate (my sisters returning today too) so tonight we're going out for a family meal. My brother has picked a pretty delicious pub/restaurant and with not weighing in daily I can't gauge where I am. Am I on for a loss? stay the same? Gain? This is the first time that not having the scale at my disposal is kinda of bugging me. I felt the other day my belly was shrinking but since the period arrived I am all up in the air. I don't want to over worry or stress myself to death about it but it is niggling at the back of my mind.

we'll see how it goes...

temple of calm

Woot. After sharing a couple of nights in the airbed with my sister and the 5k walk I have felt really drained. Like zero energy. But pushed myself to go to the gym yesterday and voila. Went out like a light last night. Up bright and early this morning. Had some breakfast and hung out a load of washing. Now theres a story....

There were local council men cutting all the old peoples gardens on those ride along lawn mower mobile contraptions. One of them were looking over the fence into the garden as I was pegging out my ginormous undesirable bridget jones type the size of a table cloth knickers. He looked at the knickers, he looked at me, I looked at him. I went crimson, he smiled. Awkward. So then I just had to continue pegging out the washing on the line while he continued to watch. I stalked into the house embarrassed. To find the washing machine is now broken and leaking water.... big knickers swiftly forgotten.

Drama in the house... my brother is taking his driving test today and was rushing round in a blind panic snapping at everyone because hes misplaced his forms and license.

I am a temple of calm. CALM. Though amazon and the bank are gonna get a mouthful from me later. But thats another angry story and I am a temple of calm who is going to go exercise and shower and be calm.

the no longer dreaded weigh in

Current weight: 19 stones 7 pounds (273 lbs)
Previous weight: 19 stones 8 pounds (274lbs)
Highest weight: 21 stones 3 pounds (297 lbs)
Weight loss this week: 1 pound
Total weight lost: 1 stone 10 pounds (24 lbs)

Yep. Another pound *poof* gone! I hope to get back to my original two stone loss pretty soon so that is just four pounds away. Just a mini goal. But before I go away on August 9th I would love to hit 19 stones exactly. So I have four weeks to lose 7 pounds. I feel this is relatively achievable. Lately I have just been aiming to lose something each week so maybe these mini goals will motivate me a little more. Also besides the walking I haven't really stretched myself with exercise this week... been all like 'ooooo don't want to strain myself before the walk' so now I have done it (woot it makes me super happy just to be able to say that.) I can get back into exercising properly.

So far today I ain't done much... lay on the couch and watched the pretty thunderstorm roll on by. It's clearly time to get up off my one pound lighter arse and get moving. Once I have checked your awesome blogs that is...

Much love to everyone who stopped by and commented yesterday on my race for life post. It really made me super happy to read and have all the support of such wonderful people.

Also the scales had been hidden until weigh in and its working. I am definitely not stressing out over it and it feels good not worrying about the fluctuations all day so this is definitely all good. I thought I would be missing the scales massively so *phew* for now its all goooooooood.

woohoo I did it and I was no where near last!

Well I did it. 5km in 1 hour 8 minutes! Though I'm happy with the time I have a few qualms about it ( some of the walk I was stuck behind people because it wasn't wide enough to over take and also there was a massive fucking hill). It was such an emotional day for me even though I don't really know any one who's suffering from cancer or died from it so I did it for every lady who was unlucky enough to get breast cancer. But it was emotional because I did it. And I had only been managing 3k in an hour the rest of the week. It just felt so good to pass the line. Boy was I knackered!! LOL took a big nap when I got home.

Also it said showers and I ended up really bad sunburnt. But another none scale victory this week I bought a new pink top for the race and it was ONE size smaller. Which gave me an extra buzz. No blisters, no chafing and no stitch. woot. Those are all huge positives I've taken away from the race. I kept a really good stride. And my family were so proud of me it was just amazing to see them at the finish line. My sister was actually super supportive this time and her, dad and my mam all cried when I finished. I met my 100 pounds fund raising target which was really cool.

One thing that absolutely infuriated me was a few of my friends. Besides you awesome bloggers, only three of my friends wished me good luck. I can look past the none sponsoring but it kinda upset me that something I see as a major event in my life and they can't even be a tiny bit supportive. Especially one friend in particular who harps onto me every single day about how important friendship is. Gargh.

moving past miserable....

Yesterday I did nothing. I lay on the couch, watched the tennis and felt super sorry for myself. So sorry for my fat self that I didn't even want to blog about it because of course that would naturally mean I would have to get up off the couch.

It was several different things. The crappy July rain. The fact I haven't walked enough for my 5k walk tomorrow. The scales weren't moving. Family stress. BAH. Just felt like the whole world was against me. Well not today people. Moany Simoney is not here, I left her comfortably in the yesterday.

Actually I did something half productive... though you can see from the picture its not the best. Big_Mummy directed me to a meatball and sauce recipe and since I haven't 'cooked' in forever. I figured why not? Like all of my cooking attempts it doesn't look so good but actually doesn't taste so bad. The family did laugh at the meatballs....they ended up kinda more square.

Nervous and apprehensive about the 5k tomorrow. I keep saying to myself as long as I complete it I will be happy but in all honesty I'm just hoping for more people unfitter than me so I don't come in last. I really should have walked more these last couple of weeks but it's too late to change that now so no point dwelling. I would like to thank TJ and Big_Mummy for sponsoring me. Seriously, you guys didn't have to and I appreciate it alot. (some of my friends here couldn't even sponsor me a pound) I've almost hit my target so I am pretty chuffed.

Right I have to go do lots of stuff :D while I'm in such a better mood.

p.s The scales have finally been hidden. And won't come out til Mondays weigh in. It's weird waking up and not checking the scales. My mam thinks I am obsessed and wants me to go to the nurse... thats another post waiting to happen.

advice and early mornings...

Today I was wide awake at 5am!!! Could not go back to sleep which made me really sad. I love to frickin' sleep. I need like 9 hours minimum to function like a sloth. I don't know if I mentioned it but I'm staying with the family over the summer til uni starts up. And its driving me insane. I really can't take any more. My sister is being an absolute bitch. I have to share an airbed with her. We both don't have a bedroom. So we're sharing the lounge. It's a fucking nightmare. She goes out of her way to cause trouble. Infact last night she reduced me to tears. The stress is driving me up the wall. So this morning I channelled the stress into an early morning walk. I tried to be quiet. But its hard when its all open plan. She went mental at me. Infact right now as I am writing this she is screaming at me. My mam again is defending her. Sorry, this sounds like a pity party but I just want to note it down incase my food esculates into some giant binge. Because really all I feel like doing is eating lots and lots and lots of icecream....

On a more positive note the pretty pictures are from my walk. It's around 6am ish. Super early. Really enjoyed the walk, didn't even notice that I'd been stung by nettles! I also used several bloggers words of advice while I was walking. From Dina.... I carried something to protect myself. You never who you'll meet in the woods! My mantra switched from between sweat, hydrate, repeat courtesy of Carlos. And I love my arms I can feel them shrinking from Mizfit. It was super hot and the sun was kissing my skin. My stretch marks were dazzling like diamonds!!!But again it was too hot to cover up so I thought fuck it. I almost melted. But I did 3km so I was pretty happy. I realised why I never enjoyed walking lots, it was because I used to chafe like mad. I noticed over the last week I have not chafed at all on any one walk. So I am taking that as my huge ginormous thighs are actually starting to shrink. This cheers me.

jiggly arm fat.

Look at the steep mo'fo! You can't see it too much but its a frickin' steep bank. I am standing at the bottom. It's almost vertical. Oh yeah I climbed it. Killed my legs but I climbed it. Been walking everyday in very last minute preparation for my 5k charity walk on Sunday. Should have started earlier but I haven't so I'm making the best of that now! I wasn't sure I actually enjoyed the walking but I have been taking the dog and it's turned out to be quite nice. They leave me tired and sweaty but also happy that actually I am not just mooching on the couch doing nothing.

However it looked quite miserable weather wise so I walked with my hoody on. But it was far too hot and had to tie it round my waist which a) divided my stomach in two hideous lumps and b) i had a vest top on underneath so it reavealed every part of my fat arms. This was fine for walking in the woods but since I was doing a loop I had to walk back down the busy main street. I wanted to put my hoody back on but I just couldn't, would have passed out with the heat. So I spent the last half walking super fast thinking everyone was looking at my fat upper arms jiggle. There wasn't that many people about but I just felt super uncomfy. I hate my bingo wings. They suck.